M_The_Raven

A brief dance with my former codependent self. 1 week

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A brief dance with my former codependent self. 1 week

   ROUGH YEAR! It's   been one of spiritual  and emotional growth.   I had set backs.

 

I literally just was tested by a set back.  I overcame it ---- but I flirted with the idea.   I let a toxic person back into my life --- briefly.    maybe ----I mean.I set firm bounds.     I didn't let them   know my location.   I refused to meet them,  even after they lured me in with sex and open invite to  come stroke  and nurture my emotional wounds.   I kept firm boundaries.  But  I can literally say it was  the second worst week of my life.    EMOTIONALLY

something is wrong with me.   I let this abuser rip my emotional wounds out and feast on my ego--- and I spent the week    diminished --- addicted to the abuse.. and i let them  bring me  to my deepest  core trauma     ------but i forced them out ----i   gave them love ---- detachment.        I'm not certain why  i let them in though in the first place/

It was only phone conversations  ---- she invited me over with lures of sex and kindness..  like the nurturer ---- in disguise.    I was not fooled..--- but I let her entertain the idea of it.    And I lost myself in it---- I felt sick,

i resisted all the urges..  I kept solid boundaries.   but  simply allowing them to contact me --- was a sign i need to do more work on my healing.   

 

 

ANY ADVICE?

 

deep  psychological and psychic wounds.        ----reattached.    I feel proud of myself though ---  I cut them off after a week.   I RESISTED!!!
But it persisted.     now i feel safe. ----  i meant it this time.   no contact.  

i was avoiding my emotions and core traumatic wounds.  

 

WHAT   HAPPENED?

 

 

 

 

Edited by M_The_Raven

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How did I allow   her back in anyway?   She had done the usual.  TEXTED me from an unknown (burner cellphone app)    because she's been   blocked   for a year.    ----  it's not the first time.   but  over the year.   I didn't respond.   ----    this time.   I let her speak.     I need help.   I feel the addiction to her.    she said,  "COME OVER and  fuck  me  right now M! ---- ... " and I said no.   ---later though.  We talking over the phone    She masturbated on the phone while   talking to me.   I didn't know --- she just was like ooooohing and awing   ----   s o  I'm saying to  her, "What's going on? "    all that racket?    -- she  said..  "I was just listening to your voice --- thinking about your perfect cock..  and I just orgasmed while playing with myself. "   It was awful.   then she hung ---called  me next morning saying she dream  to  me..     OK.I was like---  this is toxic    then i blocked and unblocked her on my phone for a toxic dance-of maybe week..

she offered me   sex --- like constantly   8 days straight. --- every night for a week on the phone.   I said..  NO! NO! NO!!   NO!!!!  NO!!!

but   I entertained the idea.    OHHHH it was awful

 

I feel like so   emotionally toxic.   I need help.   Can someone help me?

HELP ---please..   I'm so  Confused.  ----->>i can't stop ---   the no-contact is re-inforced..  but shes in my psychic aura.    She's pulling at my stomach!!!!!!    I feel  like she twisted a knife in my belly    right now..   i feel   the twisting.      It's  so  powerful    ---- ughhhh..   awful..   and she's hooked in ----  I   don't want her..    but I'm in trouble now.

I feel like so   emotionally toxic.   I need help.   Can someone help me?

HELP ---please..  I'm in trouble now.    because I'm ACTIVELY  resisting the urges to   unblock her again.     --- HELP!!!!!!!!!

I don't want her.     ----   It's horrible  and traumatic     what's happening ?

 

 

Edited by M_The_Raven

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this is the negative of having sex with someone with a bad energy, it is a energy exchange... so you have a piece of each other as dumb as  that sounds.

here you go.

 

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I didn't want sex with her.   in a way. I played out the fantasy.   

she's my ex.    My toxic horrrible ex.   

Shes extremely attractive.  But she's a psychopath.    Her way of mentally messing with my head is through so many tactics.   

"Oh.  The sex with you is the best."

"I realized.  I'm truly In love with you.  And I need you back in my life"

"I changed  ---  all I want is to see you again.  I treated you bad.  I'm sorry.   You're the one that got away"

over and over.  ----  I was extremely skeptical.   I let her go on for a week though.  

But by the end of the week.   I felt so toxic and sick.   That I had to block her number and ended up here.     Have no contact for 20 hours.      And it's like detox

because.  I can feel she attached all these hooks into me.   And deeply psychic.  

I think I was feeling great about myself and life before I let her in.    I was doing great.  Future was perfect.  Present was great. Feeling healthy successful and strong.  

Why did I break no contact? 

I feel like that's a shadow element I've yet to identify.   What's happening inside me right now that I would even play around with no contact?

i guess.  I was feeling so strong. Capable. And healthy.   I thought.  "I can manage this one!  I'm capable!"

but.  I couldn't manage. 

I didn't see her.   She kept advancing advancing advancing advancing.  Like so aggressively.   And I was like.  Stop.   Respect my boundaries.   She would take a breather.     Then try other methods.   She's resourceful.   

Something is obviously wrong with my shadow side.   I can't uncover it.   But it's unconscious.   Why would I do that to myself?

Edited by M_The_Raven

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I was so brash.  Thinking how far I came.   I was spiritually.  Emotionally.  Mentally evolved.  I'd recovered my finances and was secure with my self esteem.   I was on top of my game in business.   I was a great scholar. I was doing fantastic.   I was busy.  But there were many women interested in dating.   And I just wasn't making it a priority.   They all really liked me though.     I liked them too.   Just had not made it my short term priority to get involved.     I was doing great.  

So.  I figured. "  What's the harm?"    If not for nothing.  It'll be schaudenfreude to hear how stupid her life is.      Right?????    

Wrong.    Omg.    So wrong.    She's a mess.  But I was incapable of schaudenfreude.   I felt guilty.  Manipulated.   Just toxic coolata of emotions.        It was awful.  

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I NEED HELP!    I spent the week in isolation and agraphobia.   Hiding.  I couldn't leave the house.    My cortisol was rushing.   Surging anxiety.     Depletion of my adrenal glands. 

I'm laying in bed right now.  I can't move.  I feel paralyzed.     I feel adrenal fatigue.   And I need help.     I don't love her.   I don't want her.   But I have these wounds.     

I have unhealed wounds.    Before I met her.   I had these wounds from childhood abuse.    I thought I had them healed.    I was doing well.    And now I'm in bed.    I can't move.   I feel like I just got beat down by a hurricane storm.       Was just hit so hard in the wound.    Don't even know what that wound is. 

I know I suffered childhood abuse.    I suffered trauma from childhood to early adulthood.   My father (the primary abuser)  committed suicide.     I have conflicting feelings of love and desperate need for his approval.  Mixed with hatred and despise

thought I forgave him.    I thought I let him go.    I had!!!!!

i forgave my ex too.    I had.    I really was happy.  And feeling whole.   But.   This week reminded me I have a power of self delusion.   I need help.   I really need help.  Please.   Someone help .     

Like earlier this month.  Leading up to election.  I felt Helter skelter inside.   I blamed the political situation --- but I know it's a lie.    It wasn't that.    It was something else.   And.  I was just using it as a red herring.    There was no trigger into this either.     There may have been a trigger.   But I didn't consciously recognize the trigger.   IT allowed me unblock my ex girlfriend.  WHom id forgiven and let go.   ANd  had no interest in revisiting.      I THought I was happy.      

I was self delusional.   _---   Help.  Me.  Please.  I don't understand what this is about.     I thought I had put it all behind me.     I don't want to get back with my ex 

i didnt.   I initiated no contact.  I set firm boundaries.   I held my boundaries.   But I allowed her a week of communication via text and phone.  And we spent like hours talking on the phone.   And it felt good.    

Thats sick isn't it?    But I saw the red flags.  I felt all the red flags.     I held my boundaries. But I was exploring this shadow aspect of me. 

The shadow just punched me down so hard in the face.  I feel like I got punched by god himself 

like holy punch from the sky just reminded me of mortality.   I'm in the room.  In the dark.  In complete paralysis     I haven't been functioning. For a whole week.  I tried.  Sooooo hard.   Help me!!!!!  .   

 

I tried to pick myself up and do my life and get out of bed.   And I felt so toxic.   And my adrenal glands are soooooo depleted.    I feel like I've got no energy.    Feel pains all over my body.  And cortisol and surging fight or flight chemicals are rushing through my veins.    I need help 

its not her fault either.    This is on me.  I know exactly who she is.    I know better.   I know exactly what I was doing was going to bring me nothing but horror.   

I did it anyway.   And there were moments of complete euphoria.    And bliss and utopia.   But they were immediately recognized as chemical and my brain recognized.    

I was very logical and methodical.  And no point in time did I feel like I was trusting of this person.    

Actually.  I trusted her to be exactly to be exactly who she is.     And I don't care about her or her life.  I tried to be a savior to her.   I thought she was my savior once.   I know better.     Knew consciously throughout this week.    All the logical things in my head were logic and steeped in complete awareness of the toxicity of the situation.   

Yet.  I got addicted.      

I was addicted to this back and forth tennis match with her.    

I don't hate her.   I cared about her.   But I know she's broken.   I'm broken in a different way.  She's not a team player.  She's a controller.  She can't be happy if we both are doing well. 

Only if I'm in misery and she's not can she be happy.  And I am not happy watching the people I once cared about in pain. 

She was playing the victim card.    And it was a ruse.   Ok.  But I knew it was a ruse logically.  Very transparent.  But I also felt like she's a victim she doesn't even know it.    

Shes so much more traumatized than anyone I've ever met in my life.   I felt bad for her.   But she doesn't know she's damaged.    She projects that damage on others.   It's never her fault. 

And I take personal responsibility for this.  

But I need help. I can't figure out my intentions.    Something is wrong and hidden in my shadow.    I need help 

Edited by M_The_Raven

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She's not pure evil.   She's just broken and sad.    I cried about how bad i felt for her.   And she doesn't even know she's a mess.  Although it's apparent to everyone but her.      I'm wondering if I'm similar.   To. Much less extent.   Have ability to self reflect and own up to  my problems.  If I can identify a problem.    I own one to it   

But I have these hidden shadow problems    I can't own up to    Because they're very well hidden from me  

 

 And im struggling in my shadow.       Can't recognize my intentions.    Don't even know why I did this to myself.      Wasn't naive.     I knew what I was doing.   I mean.  Didn't allow her to cross my boundaries.   

  She did.  But.  I kept my distance.   She doesn't know my address.  I refused to meet her.  I refused to give her my information.  

Although she extracted a lot of info from me----   I guess I didn't care about certain things.  I wanted her to know j was doing great.  

But clearly I am not as good as I thought.    Bc. I wouldn't have even bothered to ensure she knew I was doing great.   If I truly was doing welll.   I wouldn't care. .  

I don't care about her.   --- because it's about me.   ---   Why am I doing this to myself!      My issues are seriously big issues.  I thought I upleveled them from the shadow and I thought healed them and put them behind me.   I haven't 

the childhood wounds.  I don't know where they come from

i know I was abused  as a helpless child   I had physical emotional and violent abuse my entire childhood and early adult life   

It was constant chaos and survival in the most hostile environment    

I feel like I forgave my father     I let him go   It's the wounds   I thought I healed that    I didn't 

 

Edited by M_The_Raven

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I'm not a victim.  I'm not a victim.  

I just don't understand what's up with me and my shadow.  And these childhood trauma wounds.    I don't even know where they came from.   But there's so much childhood trauma.  That it could be anything.   I can't think of the single scenario.   It's 1000s of the abuses from childhood.     THere wasn't one EPIC trauma.  Although. Maybe dad's suicide.   But like he was sooooo abusive.    Physically.    MENtally.    Emotionally.  

Ive been so tough all my life until recently.  When I met my ex.   And she kicked me in every wound.  

And triggered every horrible event in my life unconsciously on her part. 

Shes got more wounds than me. 

Im just lost.  I feel so confused right now 

I feel the surge of adrenaline right now.   My heart is pounding 180 bpm.     

Im laying in bed.  I feel my skin is on fire.  I'm icy and chilly.  But  sweating --/.  My stomach is spinning.  I feel like I just got God smacked.  

I need help right now.    I can't stop hyperventilating 

this isn't about her.   This isn't about her.  This about her

 

this is about me. ---- wtf is happening??????

Edited by M_The_Raven

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I need help.   I'm also so psychically attached to her.  I know EXACTLY what she's doing right now 

I know exactly.   She's not calm.   She's going on RAGE FIT.     She's throwing things down the steps.  Breaking things in the condo.   Destroying things.   She's in a frenzy of rage right now.    I  Feel her inside me right now.  Raging.   Angry.   Massive violent outburst ---- I know her really well. 

 And I know exactly what she's doing right now psychically.  I'm in the bed having my heart racing.     I'm hyperventilating.    I'm on fire.   Yet in chills.  Aches and pain.  Depleted of energy 

she's a raging storm.  Kicking the closet doors down.   Throwing her bases at the door.  Throwing her fragile things down the  wood steps.   I know her so well.   I can feel it 

Edited by M_The_Raven

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She's very violent and she goes insane.    She has violent tendency.   But is just a little girl.    I mean. She's not very deadly. 

Nor is she willing to kill someone.  But she is violent.     

I was over her.   --- no way I wanted her back.    But I never recovered from her.    ---- I have met nice women.  Some interested in a relationship with me.  And I pushed them away.   I was terrified of them.   Even they didn't want to go away.  I forced them to go away.   I got mean.  And said.  "Go away!!!!!!!"   And hit them below the belt with insults and mean words if they refused to leave early alone. 

Then they left me alone  

Ughhhh.   I haven't healed at all. 

 

Only financially.  --- and in terms of self worth.     But that's a shadow projection.    Help!!!!!!!!

Edited by M_The_Raven

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I feel like such a loser.    I really do.   I hate myself right now.    I let myself down.  I let everyone down.    If i don't fix this wound.    There's no hope for me in life.     I might as well  Be never born at all  

Because she did not inflict this wound on me.    They were there before her.   Way before her.   She just put salt and acid on the wounds.    And stuck her fingers in the open wounds and picked at it.    But I let her do it.     I wanted to be punished in the past. 

This year.   I felt I deserved love and a second chance at life.   I thought I had turned a corner and healed.    But I'm doubting that now.   I'm not healed.  At all.    Am I hopeless?   

Is this going to be the rest of my life?    Doomed to hell?   

This horrible trauma I can't heal from my youth?

i need saving.  Please help. 

Edited by M_The_Raven

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Toxic.   I hate myself right now.     I don't know how anyone could ever love me.  They couldn't. I'm unlovable.     I'm truly unloveable.   I don't even love myself even a little bit.    Look at what I just did to myself.   

Im a codependent love addict.   

And the sex part was really something that I wanted.   But I was not going to do it.   I had decided to stand my ground.    But.   I really was like hot and bothered by it.  

I wish someone would just murder me right now.      It's like pointless living so busted up emotionally.  Like my heart in a meat grinder. Just kill me already.    

Im unlovable.    

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And I'm annoyed by those PICKUP BRO SCIENCE COMMUNITY D BAGS right now.   

Pickup artist community bro scientists.   

Oh.   If all I wanted was pussy.   Id have it.   It'd be easy for me.    I don't need to do any magic tricks.    I turn down sex all the time.  I'm a sexual agnostic at the moment.   I had a one night stand with someone 6 months after I broke up with my ex.    It was HORRIBLE. 

I HATED EVERY SECOND OF IT.  

i don't want pussy.   I don't want it.  

I want someone beautiful that I love  to destroy me and suck my blood and murder me.    

And then I can die happy.  

But I don't give a shit about pussy.    These Miami pickup bro scientists.   Are so dumb.   They just are so dumb.    

I turn down sex all the time.     I don't want it.  I live in south Florida.   Near Miami.   This is the most oversexed region of the continental United States.     It's grotesque.  I hate it ---  someone just kill me

its not a goal of mine to find pussy.  

I could do it.    Swear.    Bro scientist pickup artist community.   

Its so repellent to me.     Nothing those guys have in life I want

as horrible as I feel today.   I would rather be miserable as me than that guy who does magic tricks and teaches guys in workshops to wear big mad hatter caps and orange shirts to save themselves from. Misery 

 

that I'd rather be fucking miserable right now like this. Than that desperate.    Doing magic tricks and "NPL" tricking women in noticing them in a big stupid costume.     

Thats so sad.    That's so sad.    That Julien.   Bro scientist guy.   He's such a sad person to me.    If I were him.  I'd commit suicide.   

But my life is moderately better than those guys. So I won't kill myself 

Someone please help me.   Teal can't help.  She think bro scientists are in alignment with her.    

I need real help. 

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My ex --   

I don't care she's broken.   I know she's toxic and I don't want to be with her.  Because she devours all she latches onto.   But I happen to love my ex  --- I know exactly who she is  --- and I don't want to be near it    But I will always have unconditional love and pity for her    --- the worst days of my life are often triggered around her    

i do.    --- I love her like a dog that was raised by Michael Vick.      One of Mexican chickens they feed cocaine and other chickens to cock fight for Mexican gamblers in border towns. 

It's not her fault.   I happen to love my ex.  She's just a wounded animal.   I tried to help her.   I did love her.  I still do.   I always will.  Even tho she's just in a different realm.   

Shes very special.     She's enormously talented.   She is very unique.   And she has a strong spiritual aura.   But.   

She and I can't work it out.    And. She can't fix me 

I thought maybe if I fix her I could fix myself in the process.      I don't know.   First off. She can't be fixed by me. 

I can't be fixed from other people or sex or love or a relationship.  

Thats why I've been a sexual agnostic for a year.     I know I have no choice.  I need to fix myself.  But for fuck sake.      I don't know how.  

I loved my father too though    He broke my heart    He was an abusive son of a bitch      He had many good qualities tho  but I still loved him    He abused me    He tortured me     He was terrible sometimes    There were some good times too     IT was so unstable     I had no idea when dad would be set off or fine     IT  walking on eggshells   But I loved him   

What am I supposed to do?    Huh!!???

Edited by M_The_Raven

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