Sign in to follow this  
Blaze35

Terrified: No Direction in Life

12 posts in this topic

Terrified: No Direction in Life

I just finished the first three hours of 'real work' in my life as a waiter at a sushi restaurant.

The experience was absolutely overwhelming. I cried from the moment I walked out the door and until my dad picked me up an hour later. It suddenly hit me that I feel absolutely unprepared for life and utterly worthless. I am introverted and just clueless, REALLY clueless, and I had to learn very fast and this burned me. I was tense and awkward at work and also spilled a glass of water on a customer.

After my shift, I sat and had dinner. I am vegan and have never eaten sushi, but I really wanted to be polite to the chefs and know what food I actually serve the customers so I sampled all the meat... I genuinely want to do my best and offer great service, but my best really sucks. There were so many hiccups, small things.

I don't feel like I get my experience across at all... I feel so insecure, isolated and wrong at the very core of my being, and I had to confront a lot of this crap through this work as a waiter. It was very stressful. I also need to hide all this emotional turmoil and basically dissociate for the duration of my work shift.

As I walked on the lonely street, the stars above, I questioned if this road is really where I need to go. I just sat on a park bench in the dark and sobbed. Next year, I really want to attend a consciousness retreat and I need money to do this. Whatever it takes, I will make it happen, I thought. I recently dropped out of high school and damn, as a straight-A student I lack experience 'in the real world'. A lot of things have begun to change in my life. I am the black sheep in the family now, even more than before, and the atmosphere is toxic.

Everyone always says that I am destined for great things, and I feel like this is true. I tested my human design type (someone wrote about it recently), and I am the manifestor type, but I don't feel up to task, not up to the task. Life could be so much easier. Go back and study, take the traditional route.

A fine man came up to me after I changed clothes and sat to eat dinner, and he gave me $7 in tips. Why? It nags me, I sucked. The restaurant earned $3 in total tips for the whole day. (In this country, tipping isn't customary.) Why? Because I made an effort to stretch myself?

Please, I am lost. What are the themes in my life? Contraction, isolation, withdrawal? I have no clue about what I want. Should I continue to work as a waiter or find a different way to earn money? Maybe I just project everything onto the retreat, and it is really worthless like my family says. Is it supposed to be this difficult? Do I really need to confront and overcome this social awkwardness, and in this way?

I really appreciate any thoughts and feedback from any you. Also, I keep having this thought: Am I truly scarred? Because I never experienced physical violence or anything like I know many of you have, yet I still experience this intense pain in my life. Like, my family presents this happy facade and I can't point to any obvious, major dysfunctions. Like I don't belong to this forum and I am wrong because I continuously feel this pain for invalid reasons. What do you think?

Thank you.

  • Upvote 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Anyone who went through what you did, would feel exactly the same way. So that happened. You know what you don't want, so now you know what you DO want. To not abandon your values to please others, to improve in service, to feel secure, feel connected, accepted for who you are, to gain life experience, to live life to the fullest. Unfortunately we would not change anything in our lives if things were good all the time, because contrast inspires action. You set yourself up, you are the creator, your loving self created a series of events to point you in the right direction. My advice, take a screen shot of Teals frequency painting ' Alignment' keep it with you, entrain with that frequency. All the best :) 

  • Upvote 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I used to work as a waitress! It was all of the things you described, very overwhelming, I hated it. I think you should listen to your own guidance 100%. I did, I quit my waiting job, and I've never been happier. I've been able to get over a lot of mental issues and take time for myself. @nuia is right - don't compromise your boundaries for your job - ever!!! Your boundaries are priceless, your job is *not*, especially if you don't even like it! But don't beat yourself up about slipping up either, we've all done it and there's no shame in having a learning experience. 

You have a powerful energy, I think if you could direct it more and more towards what you *want*, you would feel much better :)

Edited by lightworker
  • Upvote 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

you're not worthless, my favorite people ever have been through shit and didn't exactly have the life that you are supposed to have, I love the fuck out of them regardless of what they did or didn't do. school is always a option and will always be an option, but its not meant for everyone, and this doesn't mean you don't get educated if you don't go to school.  I don't know, I don't think life is supposed to be a cookie cutter life and just do what you're supposed to. I imagine my future self a lot older saying you didn't know shit at 20 30 40, life just unfolds, and experience after experience happens and you gain knowledge from such a bad experience and learn from it.

On ‎11‎/‎22‎/‎2016 at 4:05 PM, Blaze35 said:

Am I truly scarred? Because I never experienced physical violence or anything like I know many of you have, yet I still experience this intense pain in my life. Like, my family presents this happy facade and I can't point to any obvious, major dysfunctions. Like I don't belong to this forum and I am wrong because I continuously feel this pain for invalid reasons. What do you think?

Emotional abuse is worse than physical, physical is like this is happening and in the moment not much to fear, you're just super aware of what's happening. emotional is like ill tell you what your worth is and ill give you love when you reach the standard and if you can never reach their standard how can you be loved? if my own family cant love me for me how is a stranger going to love me? you get stuck in something like that, emotional is way worse, and it reflects back at you in your life...

  • Upvote 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello @Blaze35

what I personally love about restaurants is that there are soooo many job possibilities there! you don't have to be a waiter forever. Look around. Maybe they need help in the kitchen. Waiting  tables is definitely not for everyone . Your confidence will greatly depend on the knowledge and love of the food that restaurant is serving. 

I would highly recommend you to learn how the food is prepared at any restaurant you work.

In general, the more you know about any business  you work for, the more you learn about other positions - I guarantee, you will never have to worry about employment and it will be easier for you to decide what to do next.

Hope this helps!

 

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@nuia I will definitely try to use the Alignment painting.

I feel like I desperately need to make this retreat happen so I will stay with the waiter job for now. It is a crappy money mentality though. It feels twisted, I create such a pressure on myself. The goal overshadows everything else.

20 hours ago, Mark Joseph Middleton said:

I would say tell everyone else to go to hell when I was pushed into doing anything.

That would be incredibly difficult to do in practice... I respect that this is the advice you give based on your experience.

I once did game development which was exciting, but not something I want to do as a career. I have a list of other projects, but I'm afraid people won't value what I do, and I fear putting myself out there. Also, I would need to learn multiple new technologies, but in the end, the project may not earn any money at all.

Edited by Blaze35
  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, Blaze35 said:

That would be incredibly difficult to do in practice... I respect that this is the advice you give based on your experience.

 

@Blaze35 It only takes practice to assert your boundaries, you have to teach yourself to stop caring what other people think and feel, and to realize that your deep desire to please others and to make them happy is ultimately fruitless, because you can't do that for anyone else and it's not your job. If I could give you one piece of advice in your life ever, it's to learn how to assert your own boundaries. You have to learn how to become comfortable with potentially pissing people off and hurting peoples' feelings, it has to be something you can be okay with. Your boundaries are more important than other people, seriously. Once you get deeper into it, you also come to realize that you don't have any pure boundaries that will hurt anyone else, you will see that it's not possible to actually hurt anyone and assert your boundaries with them.

An example from my own life, if I have a customer who would spend $2000 on me and become a regular once a week and ever after give me $2000+ every time that I see him, but he wants me to do things I am not comfortable with... I am going to tell him to f*ck off!! He might be offended, he might be upset, he might get angry, he might even threaten my life and safety and YES I am going to lose out on that money (and possibly even my job)! But guess what? I don't care. I'm not *actually* hurting him or myself. I WOULD be hurting both of us if I had agreed to something I was not comfortable with. He is simply reflecting onto me the hurt he has experienced in his own life from back in his childhood when someone told him "no" and the entitlement he feels from other people (societal expectations to please others and for others to please you in return). In reality, I am helping him to get to know himself better because I have triggered him and given him an opportunity to learn from his trigger that his entitlement to me is not okay and that my boundaries and honoring myself are more important to me than temporary gain. In doing that, I have shown him AND myself healthy boundary assertion and I have shown him that I love myself too much to do anything I am not comfortable with for what is ultimately table scraps. I have honored myself, and that honor when enforced compounds on itself over and over and over again until it your sense of self becomes so strong that you *cannot* violate your own boundaries without becoming physically sick. 

I can with almost 100% certainty guarantee you that once you learn this, you will never post anything like your original post again because the problem will have solved itself. Once you begin to honor your own boundaries, you will not end up in jobs you do not like, feeding into a system that you despise, trying to please people you hate.

The number one way to learn about yourself and your own boundaries, ask yourself, every second of every day, with every decision you EVER make, even if it's choosing whether to eat an apple or an orange or choosing whether or not to go in to work today: "What would someone who  loves themselves do?"

Edited by lightworker
  • Upvote 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I thought I would share what has happened during the last couple of days.

Two days ago, I got an unprompted call from a company. They wanted to interview me for a job, and today I got the job as a sales consultant.

Today, I also forgot that I had a work shift at the restaurant... It makes me incredibly guilty and sorry. The manager still wants me to come to work on Saturday where I plan to quit the job because I have an alternative now.

Edit: I have also been a little sick even though I am virtually never sick. This night, I was hit by a terrible fever and slept very poorly. Interesting.

Edited by Blaze35
  • Upvote 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Just wanted to let you know that I am in a similar place to you. Emotionally, and with my family, and school. I support you and I'm wishing you the very best in your life. Who knows where the universe will take us next...

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey Blaze35 I am wondering if you are working in a job to make you, yourself, move forward in the direction you wish to go in (a Teal Retreat), or simply pacifying your parents etc yet again - having upset them by dropping out from the educational route..?

To me, going to a Teal Retreat should be something to aspire to, but not desperately so. You won't die though Living is harder. And having come out of education, I gather that you still live at home by the graces of your parents. Are they ever likely to kick you out? Do you know of anyone that has been and where are they now? 

I think you need to give yourself some space and time to know what it is you want and how you're going to get there. It may seem like the world is right up hard in your face but at least you acknowledge that to give you credit. Teal says we all try to fill in the Big Picture when not all the puzzle pieces are yet on the table. Things happen step by step. Don't rush it.
I am not you, You are You. That means you view what happens to you through your own life experience filters not anyone else's. You mention you are quite naive and green (my words) and have little life experience. So as the others say, don't be so hard on yourself!! Having said that, everything that happens to you is for a reason. Watch Teal's YouTube The Hidden Positive Intention (The Key to Letting Go): 

And Blaze you may be terrified, but that's just a sign that you at least have some common sense. There's a saying (and a book) "The Road Less Travelled". What you are continually doing at present is thinking the same thoughts over and over again. Has become a like an over-used highway. Faith is being scared shitless to do something - and doing it anyway! Also, try the peace and calm that you say you get from the colour blue. (Teal is a blue colour by the way; so is the Throat chakra (light blue) and the Third Eye chakra (deeper). The 3 Questions Game resonates with a lot of people and similarities are not a co-incidence... :-)   {Blue-purple; cat lover; waterfall - it falls to a lake and energises it}   :surprise-yahoo-emoticon: 

I hope this helps. You have other Tealers behind you - take comfort in that you are not, ever, truly alone. Besides the Tealers there's someone in spirit watching out for you. They whisper in various ways but a busy mind makes it hard for them. Calm and meditation may help here. Find your serene space and open your heart to the colour blue; they are waiting.

Light, Crystal Rob

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Mark Joseph Middleton Perhaps. I have noticed very clearly how I become sick exactly when I am especially emotionally disturbed, but I don't know if the sickness is positive or negative. And I felt sorry for both reasons.

@Crystal Rob Havelock NZ I only work because I want enough money to do a consciousness retreat. Not a Teal Retreat, but a Cheng Hsin retreat. If I won the lottery, I would leave my home and focus more on writing.

Well.. Desperation may be a negative place to come from, but I want change, now. And consciousness work is transformative. I don't want to miss my opportunity. I like the metaphor of trying to complete a puzzle when all the pieces haven't been delivered yet. But I don't know where to go and what to do.. I no longer have any rules or moral guidelines to follow.. The HOW is difficult. I realize that I am disconnected with my inner self, inner authority, inner flow.

I get the message that I need to look deeper within. Thank you for your responses.

I just wanted to share this: Last week, I asked a master (Peter Ralston): How can I know what I want to do, and he sort of didn't say anything. And in this way, I don't know what to do, do, do.

@Rosalie Thank you, and I wish you the best too :) The universe will take us to somewhere magical, I am sure.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 17 December 2016 at 8:30 AM, Blaze35 said:

I just wanted to share this: Last week, I asked a master (Peter Ralston): How can I know what I want to do, and he sort of didn't say anything. And in this way, I don't know what to do, do, do.

Hey Blaze, funny the Chen Hsin master didn't tell you what to do, huh! I'm getting from that response in your desperation that you want or need to be told where to go and what to do. Why are you not reflecting on that and asking why you need to be told, rather than just try something and see what happens?

Teal says we need to follow our Joy and Bliss. And what doesn't benefit us, change. It may mean sacrifice and an inner strength. If that does not seem like something you can do right now, wait. I am certain if you have accepted what is currently in your life good & bad and focus on what it is you do want, it will happen.

Something interesting Teal said in a Kelli Coffee interview was the reason why more people don't die from suicide is that they are actually resisting life rather than accepting death. And... the more you resist the more it persists. 

Even changing for change's sake can take us down that "road less travelled" The idea is be open to all things that are in your life right now and I think you will find your path will simply unravel and open out at your feet as you go. Forget the HOW, just 'do', one step at a time.

I hope this helps!

Crystal Rob

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this