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J.C.

Alone

7 posts in this topic

Alone

I have no clue who I am. I have no clue what I want, other than to travel, and to get the fuck away from my family. Honestly, suicide seems like the easiest and best option. I struggle with this thought because I've always felt so destined to be great and change this world, but honestly now that I'm finally awakening, all I want is to get out of this world. I've tried the completion process with no success (my own fault), and I really just don't know what to do anymore.  I feel like I have absolutely no one to talk to; I'm surrounded by family that has this idea of who I am in their head and I'm like no where fucking close to that. I literally don't know if I can stand to be here in this house any more, but I have no idea what to do or where to go. I don't think I could actually ever go through with suicide, but honestly I wish I could.

I don't know what I'm actually looking for by doing this. maybe its just support, or just someone to talk to. 

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This is soooo relatable to this community, and non of us really knows what is the best way to navigate through this period in our lives. That's why we have a million and one spiritual teachers- everyone just searches for a routes that work and share them with others in hopes that it makes others lives a little more worth living also. Awakening is amazing... only it fucking sucks aswell.

Thank you for sharing. Everything you wrote is very familiar to me. The part about your family seeing you as  someone they have created in their mind and not the real you hit home hard.

Would you like to tell us who you are or at least what you do know about yourself, In your own words, the way you see yourself? 

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The things I know about myself... lol

Well my name is Jesse, I'm 21, I'm an empath, and can play many different musical instruments. French horn is my main, although singing has really been one of my biggest passions my entire life. I'm gay and have literally always been in the closet. I was raised catholic and during my teen years struggled very much because I was convinced I was cursed and going to hell. I know I have always put others peoples needs and wants above my own, especially those of my family. I feel like I'm a natural born leader but at the same time I feel extremely distant from that.

Honestly it is just very hard to find words to describe myself. And to describe how I see myself.. it's so contradicting I've written this response 15 times and have deleted repeatedly..

Thank you so so much

just talking to someone who actually understands really helps.

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Well, I'm glad you didn't delete what you wrote the last time :) I do the same thing often, and more often than I should I just give up on stating my opinion or commenting at all. So I'm glad you followed through.

The fact that you are as selfaware as you already are at 21, is really cool. At your age, I was still deep asleep (I'm 10 years older than you). It is wonderful that you have figured out that you're an empath, it really helps you make sense of stuff. I always thought I was just an emotionally unstable fake woman without a personality, until I learned I was a mirroring empath :D That put everything into perspective for me.

I love that you can play instruments and sing. I'm mad in awe of people who can play instruments, because to me it is one of the coolest skills.

Being gay is something I unfortunately can't relate to even if I tried. For the past few weeks I've been going through everything on the topic of LGBTQA+. Been bingewatching youtube channels that deal with all these issues, because I wanted to know what the term nonbionary meant. And down the rabbit whole I went, until I found myself many hours later being very informed on the topic of what is the best dosage of testosterone for FTM... But what I loved about those channels was that they seemed to have created great online communities that support eachother with their struggles, so I definitely suggest you to look up such communities and youtubers, if you haven't already. Also I just read (I mean listened to) Hannah Hart's book "Buffering" where she talks about being raised in religious household being gay herself. Read it, it's good.

You are a natural born leader indeed, and it is okay that it takes time to aquire the skills you need for your leadership role. Right now is maybe one of the most important parts of your training. You see, leaders, they are strong and courageous, cause they have been through some serious shit and they've survived. And they are not afraid to go through shit again, because they know they can make it through. This is why they can lead other, who are still afraid of coming in contact with shit.

I'm really glad you shared your thoughts here. I love when I can get to know someone new and help if I have what they need.

What do you feel and think now?

Edited by Onestep
Grammar
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This was so helpful, I'm very happy I decided to post on here now. When I first posted I felt like shit and was super embarrassed, but I'm just really relieved now. At the time that I posted first today I was on the verge of having a breakdown. My body was just filled with this negativity, but Its much less intense now, and I feel like I can stop looking ahead so much and focus on what is actually happening now in my life. I've been stuck here for a while now, and I think I've been to focused on getting away, that I may be missing something. I also think I need to spend some time daily in a state of gratitude in order to raise my frequency and stop being a match to the people I'm around.  I have so many opportunities to utilize the completion process daily, but I cannot for the life of me find any distraction free environment here.  Regardless I will just have to learn to make do with what I've got until..

How did you come to know you were a mirroring empath?

like was there a specific experience, if you don't mind me asking?

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I'm so glad to see you relieved. It often comes down to change in perspective that brings relief from resistance and suffering in the situation at hand. I can really relate to the feeling of being stuck, wanting to get out but not knowing where or how to go, feeling alone and so on. These are painful states, but at the same time they too pass. Most of us feel those feelings, daily, weekly or monthly depending on a person. So we should definitely adopt new ways to deal with them for a more fullfilling lifeexperience- for example share, like you did.

I found out that I was an empath about 3 years ago just through coming across an article that resonated completely. Soon after that I heard something about mirroring types. The information was very blurry, but I immediately felt connected to it. From then on I just watched how I carried myself around different people, and started hearing and reading here and there about mirroring empaths. This made it even more clear that I was one. Now I'm sure I am one because it is amazing how much this part of my being can not be controlled by me in any way. It just is what it is and it lives through me in the way it chooses to. Okay, this is not a 100% true, there are ways of controlling it through bigtime suppression and avoidance, but that ends up hurting us severly, so it's better come to terms with not being able to control it.

If you are thinking you might be a mirroring empath (it even had some fancy indian name if I remember correctly), there's a very great chance that you are. Maybe google and read on the topic of different empaths and see what fits. Empaths usually have many different traits at the same time. I means you can be many types simultaneously. Some you will feel no connection to. For exaple animal empath traits don't resonate with me almost at all.

Edited by Onestep

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