Lisette Nilsson

"Burnout" and depression

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"Burnout" and depression

Hi everyone, 

I posted here a few months ago and I want to thank everyone who replied to that post. I am currently, and have been for a long time, going through a depression and what in not so medical terms would be called a "burnout". I was always the top student in school, obsessed with getting good grades because that was the only way I could compensate for my lack of self-worth and feel that I was lovable and "good enough". I've had my share of emotional trauma during my childhood and my obsession with being "perfect" has now resulted in me collapsing totally. I'm 24 years old, turning 25 in December, by the way. I've been feeling like this on and off for several years, and 2015 and 2016 have been the worst years of my life so far. I recently "graduated" from university (although I haven't gotten my diploma because I haven't finished all of my courses). The majority of my time at university I felt exhausted, depressed and I knew I was about to hit a giant wall sooner or later, where I would no longer be able to put up the facade of being able to hold it together. I felt that the field of study that I had chosen (biology) wasn't right for me but still I kept trying to make it work. My boyfriend at the time, who comes from a culture which mentality is to always work hard, be honorable and never ever be weak or give up, didn't understand me and told me to just "keep it together and keep going" (giant reflection of my dad, of course…). So I kept pushing myself. I remember one day, in May 2015, I went to the schools' psychologist and broke down in tears. I told her how tired and exhausted I was, how I couldn't do this anymore and how hopeless everything felt. She scheduled an appointment with the school's doctor, who gave me a prescription for antidepressants, which I never took. It felt like nobody really understood me. In September 2015 I went to England as an exchange student, hoping that it would change everything for the better, that it would give me my zest for life back. It didn't. Instead, I felt worse than ever. I felt more sluggish, tired, exhausted, unmotivated and hopelessly depressed than I ever had before. I also broke up with my boyfriend, which left me feeling even worse, althoug I knew it was "the right thing" to do. I was relieved to come back home after the semester was over, but the fatigue and the depression didn't go away, it got even worse. I felt like I wanted to die, and I couldn't see any end to my suffering.

I managed to get a job after my "graduation", at a company I had been wanting to work for since I was little, but the job was really stressful. I also had a very irregular work schedule. Some days I would start work at 7 am and finish 4 pm, and some day I would start work at 1 am and finish work by 11 pm. I can't do it anymore. My body has given up. I feel like I'm in this fog all the time. My head feels dizzy and foggy and no matter how much I sleep I still feel completely exhausted when I wake up. I was hoping things would start getting better by now. I have had one, if not several "awakenings", I've become really conscious of myself, I’ve done so much shadow work, I've grown so much over the past year, and this is what life rewards me with (sorry for being pessimistic right now). I've been trying to not have any resistance to feeling depressed, but it doesn't help. It breaks my heart to know that this is what my life will look like for one or two years, maybe more, before I can finally start being normal again. The reason I started working for this company, was to save up money for travel. If there's one thing I'm sure I want to do in my life, it is to travel (I blame my Sagittarius sun for that, partly). I want to write, to have a blog where I can inspire and help people. I want to make Youtube videos that inspire people. I want to make the world a better place, but it frustrates me and makes me want to smack people in the face when they tell me to “follow my dreams”. I would have followed my dreams already, if I could. It made me absolutely nuts the other day when my brother told me what the medium he recently went to had said when he asked if she had any advice for any of his family members. The medium, or well, her guide, had told him that I (his sister) need to change my mindset regarding work, and that I have a vision of what I want to do, and that the time for me to do that is now, not later, and that I have to be brave enough to do it. I makes me absolutely furious. It’s easy for her (the guide) to say, who doesn’t have to be weighed down by human feelings and human perceptions. My dream is to travel, make videos and write and inspire others, but HOW could I possibly do that, when the total amount of my savings is the equivalent of 1520 USD?  I would probably be able to travel for a month or so, if I travel really cheap, and then I would have to go back home. I want to travel to Costa Rica (I’ve been there before) or some Caribbean Island, but the problem is that even if I managed to find some sort of job, I’m not allowed to stay in Costa Rica for more than 3 months at a time, and I won’t be able to afford a ticket out of the country and then back again. I would have to go back to Sweden and be jobless and homeless after “selling everything and moving to Costa Rica to live the dream for two months. Roses and sunshine. ”, lol. Ugh.

Furthermore, I don’t want to travel right now. I don’t want to do anything. Also, I know that only bad things could happen if I go travel, given the vibration that I’m currently holding. I have always felt like the universe is against me and that life is a hard struggle, where you have to struggle and fight for everything. Not really a yummy vibration to bring along on your first big trip as a solo female traveler, eh? It’s so hard to change that belief. When I was 3 years old, my baby brother died. He died at birth, so I never got to meet him, but my parents have told me that I went absolutely crazy after that happened. I was constantly angry, I wouldn’t let anybody touch me or come near me, especially not my dad, and I would run around looking for my brother, thinking that my parents had hid him somewhere. It got so bad that my parents tried to take me to see a “child psychologist”, but I refused to see him. I don’t have much memory from this, but I can see how that whole event probably lead up to the destructive beliefs I have about the world today.

Anyhow, traveling seems very far off right now, and given the state that I’m currently in, it’s not something I am currently capable of doing. I need rest, and I need to try to survive, although most days I just want to die. The problem is, in today’s society, being sick or unwell is a luxury. Someone like me can’t afford to be sick, to not work. I know that I theoretically could move back home to my parents and live there, but it would kill me. I can’t stand my dad for even a day, and I can barely stand my mum either. It’s all good as long as we are joking and laughing together, but as soon as we start talking about anything even remotely serious, all hell breaks loose and I just want to run away and never have to see them again. Also, it’s not ok by my parents standard to be unwell. They keep telling me how this is not normal, how I need to get better and how me eating “rabbit food” (I’m vegan) is destroying my health, although I take better care of my health and my diet than I’ve ever seen them doing. My dad never ever understands me, he is so pessimistic, narrow-minded, stubborn and judgmental. Anytime I won’t apply for a promotion at work, he goes absolutely nuts and starts saying mean things. He used to tease me and bully me for working in a restaurant before. He is also super negative, always super stressed, complaining about how he has no time to do anything, and how he never has enough money. This is the kind of energy I grew up in, so…. Thanks Universe, *facepalm. So, you can see that living with my parents would be like living inside a torture chamber. They are very unconscious people, in my opinion, and even though I love them, I couldn’t do it. If I feel suicidal now, I can’t imagine how I would feel if I moved back home. So, it’s not an option. I guess I could keep working half-time at my current job and in my free time try to heal myself and take care of myself as best as I can. Otherwise, without a job, I would have to live on the street. I think I could do it (keep on working I mean), but the problem is, if I only work half time, all of my money would go to surviving (paying the rent, paying bills, buying food etc.) and I wouldn’t be able to save up money for travel. I know that travel can’t be a priority in my life right now, but it still breaks my heart to think that I will have to spend my time something I don’t want to do just to keep myself alive. Then I could just as well kill myself. Before, I always had my dream of travel to work towards, and I could find a purpose in doing something I hated, because I knew it would enable me to save up money for my dream, but if I only work half-time, I won’t even have that dream to work towards anymore. I know that I need to come into a space where I feel abundant and shit, but I can’t. I’ve been trying it, and when I have a good day, it works, but in the long run it never works. I haven’t yet come to a space where I fully believe I can be abundant. It’s easy to believe that I can be abundant when the sun is shining and I feel happy, but days like these I can’t feel anything but miserable. I’ve been trying to heal my issues around money but it takes time. I hate life. It’s so unfair, hard and horrible. I hate the universe. 

This has been a long rant, but I feel so desperate for connection and understanding, and I feel desperate to express myself. If any of you have taken the time to read this, I want to thank you. If you have experienced anything similar, if you’ve been depressed or “burnt out”, maybe you could share your story and your thoughts below? It would mean a lot to me to know that I’m not alone.

Thank you.

Lisette

 

 

Edited by Lisette Nilsson
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Hi Lisette ,

I'v been through this also , but i managed to beat it. I lost a lot of weight , didn't eat , didn't sleep , given up all hope . Then i could see and feel my higher self telling me that i was not lost and could overcome this trial. I went to see a psychiatrist who put me on anti-depressives and had psychotherapie nearly every day for 8 months . It helped me a lot , i was able to take my life back into my own hands , build myself up from scratch , It's been 10 years now and have grown a lot , especialy by the lessons  that Teal provides. I am not saying that you should go into therapie , but it worked for me. It's all about getting to know your self , the good and the shadow side . I wish you all the best , i am sure you will find a way to overcome this.

Namaste,  Robert

 

 

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2 hours ago, Lisette Nilsson said:

I guess I could keep working half-time at my current job and in my free time try to heal myself and take care of myself as best as I can. Otherwise, without a job, I would have to live on the street. I think I could do it (keep on working I mean), but the problem is, if I only work half time, all of my money would go to surviving (paying the rent, paying bills, buying food etc.) and I wouldn’t be able to save up money for travel. I know that travel can’t be a priority in my life right now, but it still breaks my heart to think that I will have to spend my time something I don’t want to do just to keep myself alive. Then I could just as well kill myself.

this is how you think it would be, based on a series of assumptions (which are often based on acquired programs). but the truth is you don't know.  there's no universal rule saying that if you don't save up money working hard, you won't be traveling. you don't even know if you'll want to travel in the future, or maybe you'll have something more interesting to do at home or whatever.

right now you are feeling exhausted. that you know for sure. find a solution for what you know for sure right now, rather than endure the right now as a solution for a possible future. you are right, you might be working just to keep yourself alive for a while, but you don't know how that kind of alive is going to feel.   you don't know what might arise in that kind of alive. if it's going to feel better than this alive, chances are better stuff will arise in it. 

when you're tired, you rest, you don't exhaust yourself even more by trying to fix a potential future. one step at a time. is not like you'd sign a life contract of working just to survive and overall renunciation. 

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Dear Lisette,

I resonate with you a lot. We share similar experiences and we feel exactly the same emotions- except for the universe thing. I am older than you, and done what you said you could not at the moment - living with the parents. It is not an easy task to overcome family issues and it may take years to resolve (for me it has been 6 years), but I believe at some point it is necessary to some degree. When the time comes you will know. Because sometimes it is a deep urge to be accepted by your parents when you are in the most miserable situation and a shame to them. Do not feel that you have to, though. You can know the degree and the time...  Keep that for later. For now, all I can say is you can start with small things. Very small things. And you will begin to feel better. For travel also, start small and you will see that you will have more opportunities. Have you seen Teal's post about workaway? https://www.workaway.info/ You can work for 4 hours and get shelter and food. I would love to travel Korea :D   And, please do not push yourself too hard, I know that you have to work. May be you can look for other opportunities for work, especially work involving lots of travel. Start small, even a book or a dance class or a new thing - a pet even can give you a nice breeze. ... I will tell you my story later if you are interested.

 

 

Edited by duygu_s

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Dear Lisette,

you're definitely not alone. Many of us have been through a similar situation. I would suggest you to rethink about the job you currently have. If you're willing to work like that, then you may as well look for a job that you enjoy! if you love what you do, if you're passionate about it... then you're not going to feel so "burnout" and depressed. Instead it will feel like you have a purpose and opportunities! hopefully travel opportunities as well))

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Hi Lisette I totalt understand how you feel about your fatique. I have had cfs/me for Four years now and it started even before but i didnt listen to my body so it got worse. I have tried a lots of things the past two years to get better like shadow work and completion process. Feels like nothing is working. I Hope teal does a ask teal about chronic fatique syndrom. ? You can write to me of you like. Take Care 

Tove

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On 11/17/2016 at 6:02 AM, Lisette Nilsson said:

I know that I need to come into a space where I feel abundant and shit, but I can’t. I’ve been trying it, and when I have a good day, it works, but in the long run it never works. I haven’t yet come to a space where I fully believe I can be abundant. It’s easy to believe that I can be abundant when the sun is shining and I feel happy, but days like these I can’t feel anything but miserable. I’ve been trying to heal my issues around money but it takes time. I hate life. It’s so unfair, hard and horrible. I hate the universe. 

Please consider this as a sign that your Being is asking you to face what is in your shadow.  Positive focus is an amazing tool when used for what you love.  It is a terrible tool for resisting what is in our shadows.  I highly recommend that you read Teal's latest book on the Completion Process.

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The way to get out of a depression is to get really really angry (at anyone/anything but yourself).

Love and Blessings to you <3 

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Thank you so much everyone for replying <3 @Robert Froyen @mufhry @Curlylupe @duygu_s @Garnet @Tove @Amazawa @lost I'd love to connect with those of you who feel like doing so. 

I've been improving quite a lot in just a few weeks, I know it sounds a bit corny, but a few weeks ago I had the realization that life really is just a game. I've "known" it before, on an intellectual level, but I've never really felt it in my heart before. It's like knowing without really knowing, if you know what I mean.  It was as if I realized that, no matter what I do here, whether I become super successful or not, whether I "change the world" or not, whether I find my purpose or not, I'm going to die one day. No matter what we do, no matter how "great" or "mediocre" our lives are, we're all going to die and go back to the same place, to the same source and maybe one day eventually choose to come back into physical form, or another form in another dimension. It wasn't a depressing feeling, but rather a liberating and uplifting one. It was as if, for the first time, I really grasped that I can't get this life wrong. No matter what I do, even if I fail miserably by society's standard, it will be a life worth lived. So, what this insight has allowed me to do is to really start living life according to what gives me joy here in the moment, instead of sitting around hoping to find it one day in the future. I'm still aware of the future and my dreams but I'm not obsessed about it in the same way as I used to be. Instead, I'm focusing on living each day according to what gives me the most joy, I try to really take one day at a time and to truly appreciate the small beautiful things and moments in everyday life. It has made a tremendous difference in my mental wellbeing so far. It's such a simple thing to do, yet it was such a hard thing for me to really "get", before I just got it. I was driving the car at work when it just came to me and I went "Holy ****, how could I not have realized this before??". I consider it a sign from the universe ;)

Also, for those of you who are in a similar situation I'd highly recommend the Youtube video "Chronic Fatigue - Teal Swan". It's a recording from one of her synchronization workshops. It was exactly what I needed to hear. That video, and the realization I had, basically changed how I view my life in just a day x) It's crazy. 

Again, thank you everyone, and feel free to connect if you'd like.

Love and light to you <3 

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Hi Lisette! I'm in the similar situation as you. I left university two months before graduation. I have sociophobia and going to classes everyday felt horrible, but i kept pushing myself and one day my body refused to move quite literally. I didn't have energy at all and it felt like i was dying. What helped me was yoga and of course Teal :) i still don't know what I'm supposed to do. I agree with you. Society's standards are crap and we're all going to die. it's liberating :)

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56 minutes ago, Leah L. said:

. I agree with you. Society's standards are crap and we're all going to die. it's liberating :)

what a positive outlook you have :D

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I have also been through depression and the same situation you are in now. Teal's video on Apathy helped me a lot. The deeper question is, why don't you believe that you can have what you want? Burnout, apathy and depression are symptoms of not believing that what you truly want is possible for you at all. :) 

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Wow..girl. I'm sorry. I'm doing that right now lol and I feel trite and as if the universe is against me. No worth or sense of importance to life itself, it all gets old. Being brainwashed by others. That makes me sad because that's just a sad reality to live in. Overused and tired worn out and depressed. Then I attract relationships like this. I don't know why 

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I’m so sorry to hear that :(( I was really depressed and exhausted for 2-3 years as well, and after I “came out” of it, I would always ask myself “what advice would I give my depressed self in the past” - and I would always arrive at the answer “omg I don’t know how you managed to live through that, I still don’t know what advice to give you even now” and that’s it... Teal’s stuff and other therapy stuff helped for sure, but nothing ever solved the problem for me and somehow I just had to wait for it to “pass” and “run its course”... It sounds horrible but after searching for so long I still haven’t found an answer to having these depressed periods (I still have them often but they are short now),  so far the only real “solution” is to wait for them to pass. Which is awful... I hate it...

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