AbsoluteWave

time to be vulnerable (nondestroyed version in the comments) -The original topic before this one has been fixed- Reading either one is fine-

8 posts in this topic

( the full/complete post is in the comments just below this one. )
time to be vulnerable

Okay, so, I came to the realization/rememberization of something though a video

( About how hyper aware I am.  How I am SO aware about how i am observing my own mind, etc.  I've done this since i was little.. even without people teaching me anything.. i just gravitate to what truly is and what has BEEN.. And not to mention i find myself almost always in situations where i am absolutely alone with nothing but me myself and I.. And the changes I am making in myself, I watch the entire world change around me.. Hence also peace and all that stuff comes into play with all that's happening currently both positive and negative, both cataclysmic and miraculous..  And I used to beat myself up for " not being a part of it all"  I had so much shame in myself that i was lazy and whatever.. but i can show my merit in other ways like with writing my lyrics.. enjoying company of my friends that are still alive and well, etc.. and also things like having a home, electricity, hot water, clothing over your bare body.. I'm surrounded by plants i and my BF grew ourselves with our own hands and loving affection..  nature is returning to my very backyard garden as it continues to get more and more visits by the animals...  )  I have all i need really and can get more at any time. so why resist the comfort i am in?
I admit i want things and stuff but i can SEE how it will all come together the proper moments.  they just are not NOW but don't feel bad that it isn't NOW, for you're in the process of getting to the point you desire.. i've noticed in myself and things around me how this is being achieved.. i'm being more knowledgeable, say about the music field and so on, i get better at writing/singing/art, just studying of all sorts of things, both new and old news to me, etc..   I also remind myself.. even a good friend did this some months ago.. showing me a wonderful quote... i am YOUNG.. your teen years are the roughest, most cruel moments of your life.  I think it was perhaps something about your early 20's.. perhaps it touched on things like how you're expected to do this and that and all that stuff.. I hope you no the one i mean..

@Amazawa @Bjork @Chakra @Micah @Lilia @Garnet @Stephanie Wintermute @Trinity Anderson @Akurabis @Haidar1996 @CherieJ @Damon is Awesome @Michael Rogers @Tessa Rae @Kim  ( Thank you all for being there for me and just being such all around great people )

Edited by AbsoluteWave
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first i have to say thank you for bieng your self and for bieng there for me when i'm so lonely chatting with you and getting to know you was very nice 

and i seriously get what you are saying becuase to be honest i beat myself up to have that hit song that will everybody love so that i can have enough fame and money to get out of where i live and just not enough to do this or do that like all these amazing people 

it a true pleasure knowing you @AbsoluteWave:)  

 

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59 minutes ago, Haidar1996 said:

first i have to say thank you for bieng your self and for bieng there for me when i'm so lonely chatting with you and getting to know you was very nice 

and i seriously get what you are saying becuase to be honest i beat myself up to have that hit song that will everybody love so that i can have enough fame and money to get out of where i live and just not enough to do this or do that like all these amazing people 

it a true pleasure knowing you @AbsoluteWave:)  

 

It's great knowing you too!  And think.  LOTS of people get famous for just being them.  Nobody likes a showoff and somebody who doesn't know what they are doing.. they EARN it, which is why they know the ins and outs of a trade, etc.

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Why the heck has my post been fucked up.. it's cut in half.

( just going to enter the actual thing here. ) 

( First time was perfect and now i have to type it all over again since the fucking forum told me to try again.. and yet my PMs can remember what i've typed even if i haven't entered the message yet.. Just with there was a security measure when you're trying to submit a topic to the forum.. My muse is like gone now.. wonderful.. I fucking knew i should have copied everything i just previously typed..)                    so anyway

So, yes.  I've come to a realization/Rememberization that I am hyper aware.  It's been this way since birth.  Being super aware that I am separate from my body, observing myself thinking, feeling, every single thought and feeling to be felt even if i can't grasp all of it all the time.. i let it be there, enter and exit through me and what stick, sticks..

 


I am comfortable where I am right now, even the fact "I am doing ' nothing' "  despite what i or others may think of that sometimes..

I realize again and again that i'm working towards these dreams of mine.  and those feeling of being guilty and shaming myself for being lazy and not being a part of change and all that..

I LOOK at ALL the plants

that we've grown with our own hands, loving attention and care.  And even watching all this nature return to my very backyard garden that's growing more and more on it's own and will be tended to once this home business is out of the way.  I've seen SO many birds, insects, arachnids, and anthropods?  those tomato bugs and even slugs, and hopefully very soon we will hatch our own frogs who will return to the pond they were born to procreate.. I'm wanting to create my own sanctuary.  heck, we even get these two cats coming into our back yard quite often.  not as much in recent weeks but they still come and just meditate and wonder around.  it's wonderful to watch.  it's REALLY like they too are bringing this energy and life back to this patch of land i live on.

But yeah, about the lazy thing.  I SEE my progress already.  I'm much better at writing lyrics and improving the way i write a story as i go along.  and tapping back into my inner childs creativity more and more.  I had close ties with him even NOW but i just had so much stress and invalidation that it became too much sometimes..

It's all coming together and i will have a better vantage point whence the next chapter of my life comes to a close.  So as I have always done.  enjoying the company of my friends, loving the roof over my head and all that sort of thing.  and I don't use this to tell myself to be quiet if i ever want something, because me myself and I are aware of when we want something, but we don't have to have everything NOW..

even if we may think like that sometimes, y'know?  I want everyone else to know that it's OKAY to take a break.. I have known many who pretty much get deffencive about " I've got to do it"  " I have obligations, "  " that's what it means to be adult" or whatever the fuck.. and het they still TRY to come to you and whatnot but then profess how bad they are and wonder how you cannot hate them, etc..  

(There is one guy i haven't heard from in so long and I HOPE he's alive.. since he lives in the US and there is alot of violent crimes going on and all that.. Now HE was a great great friend who validated me, and bolstered alot of things back into me that I didn't think i'd ever get appreciation for in my entire life in the ways he did it.  )

specially if you take the moment to think if you hperhaps ave a work at home day or something.. you can literally go hang out with your son/daughter/pet, even cleaning your home!  Anything.  And just return to it like in 10 minutes or more.. but make it a practice ( but not making whatever it is a chore)
specially with something that has always kindled your fire, both new and old but I find those old flames that still continue to burn within you will erupt into fireworks the moment you give them a target to shoot towards, a chance for utter freedom, for limelight, whatever.

I mean.. EVERYONE, no matter what you think of them is their own person with their own problems and joys, specially at the end of the day or even DURING their profession hour.  to most people it's their life and they LOVE what they do and it mingles with their private life.  THAT's what's lovely to me.  that we can all be real with eachother BUT still get that privacy but KNOW that others know this.. it's like having a close friend.  you don't worry about anyting, except for if you haven't heard from them in a bit.. as for me, I manifest friends very well, specially ones i've made a very close connection within these past months.  they pop up if i pray hard enough even to get a hello and to know they are alive is good for me.  to have any amount of time with them can be made into something pleasent!  and it's NICE to see that people think about you when they send you a message, even if it's just a hello and perhaps nothing much after that but it's just that perhaps so many people don't know how to really connect, so they go straight to like " want to fap with me?"  or something BUT doesn't mean they are not more complex.  heck, I have a few of them and i've gotten closer to them, sometimes even THROUGH the thing they are trying to do with you.  activity is what really allows for connection, teamwork and all that lovely stuff, for it brings forth your possitive traits.  it's lovely to watch people in all ways just light up together and alot of the tension sinks away and whatever comes up just comes up and there doesn't seem to be any akwardness about it!  and if there is something that somebody doesn't want to look at, things can easily replace it.  i have this as well where i don't feel as stressed when i send anything to certain people.  the aftermath isn't where i end up sending million messages that like a mile long each yammering on when i might not have needed to.  but some of it simply comes from wanting to be completely understood and not have people draw the wrong conclusion of me and stuff.  and being hyper aware.. i'm trying to sort of avoid negative reactions, BUT many of the people i wouldn' t normally  fear that sort of thing with.. they REALLY don't respond the way i'd fear from time to time.  these people REALLY help me out ALOT in so many aspects and even though i don't get to see them much anymore due to their school and stuff like that.. I'm BLESSED to have had any amount of precious time with them!

But yeah, again, to go back to the note about how you just need to take one step at a time and enjoy where you ARE.. you MUST.. Lol.. not forcing anybody though when saying that..
I love ALL of you as well, this forum is amazing and gives me SO much more feeling of purpose and that my voice does matter and can reach others, not just those in my private life.  Soon, I'd love us all to become more active and vulnerable on this here forum and out there in that world that we were once taught to fear and think is ugly, evil and whatever else... specially the bit where we were taught humanity is a scourge.. We are SOOO fucking divine.  and I'm with Teal with this word becoming the most universaly used word than GOD and other things.  since from what I've seen, It's SUPER expressive and can be used for super positive expression, honest expression, even to express negative emotions but without supressing things due to trying to sound nice or whatever the hell.  I've gotten along well with people who have a bit of a potty mouth but they DONT even do it in a vulgar way.  and only get nasty when people get all whiney about it.. lol..  But yeah, i STILL don't swear around the elderly.  they REALLY don't deserve it, they also came from tougher, rougher, and in a way, much simpler times.  We've all got to start studying true history and how even right now, specially nowadays, how WE are LIVING history, making it with every step we take.  for one thing, I'd love if everyone got to make their own book, even biographies... so we ALL know eachother by author.. We can all START to use the internet and get into Such and so's life, say if they start to take up travel and show people unique ways of living all over the world, etc.. THAT's what i want to see.. i want to SEE people more free.. even to do outlandish things, like make a CITY look like something from an RPG that blends in with nature and even bits that look super futuristic but without having that air of a prison.. xD

I can SEE it's all possible to even have flying cities, and even cities beneath the SEA.. This shiet is possible people and i'm sick of people thinking it's not.. why would it not be if there are aliens, angels, fairies, dragons, and beings living in hollow earth?  Hmm?  Why not, if there are spirit guides, demons, unicorns, white magic, black magic?  See where I am going with this?  Gawd.. if we acknowledge source.. how can we NOT acknowledge that ALL is possible.. JUST as possible as it isn't.. what about the quote " unthinkable " things that go on and that people don't want to face or believe is real, etc?  it IS real and it HAS been REALITY for many, such as TEAL and even us in some form or another. SO why fight about who had it worse when we all had a different flavor of the same painful experiences?  We can empathize and begin to understand things without luckily having to experience the thing physically since we KNOW how to travel back in time with the person telling their story.  THATS how we can ever SAY we feel sorry for anybody.

You guys are all so lovely.. I LOVE you all.. ALL of you, I mean this.  You've all made me feel like my voice can REALLY reach another that isn't just in my personal life.
@Amazawa @Garnet




@Bjork@Chakra @Micah @Lilia @Garnet @Stephanie Wintermute @Trinity Anderson @Akurabis @Haidar1996 @CherieJ @Damon is Awesome @Michael Rogers @Tessa Rae @Kim  ( Thank you all for being there for me and just being such all around great people )

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43 minutes ago, AbsoluteWave said:

I'd love us all to become more active and vulnerable on this here forum and out there in that world that we were once taught to fear and think is ugly, evil and whatever else...

Being hyper aware is normal to me too, even if someone hugs me I become super conscious and my awareness goes to the touch. also I think I'm bad at communication because people ignore the emotional part, its like a layer people ignore, but that's how I communicate and when I have this layer of information and the words people speak is the opposite that confuses me. this is why I'm sort of embarrassed to feel because I assume everyone can feel emotions that intensely and read me. I mean you can read people when you are sensitive and feel all of their chakras, its pretty intense. I guess to be super sensitive in one area makes you sort of handicapped in another area like most people on the autism spectrum. I just feel like I'm in this body, I guess you can call that disassociation, but I cant turn that off, its like I have one foot here and one foot out there? I take care of my body, but I don't like the drinking and doing all these things you have to do because its normal. to explain someone my normal just seems like I'm lying lol but all I am is just a perspective. I think I'm a big mirror once I step into my real self and I know that, so I don't like this back and forth with beliefs even though I don't really believe in anything, its all just information to me, I don't really draw lines and limit how I think and believe, its constantly changing.

Edited by Alex7
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@Alex7  Yeah, BUT that shouldn't stop us from doing other things.  specially if we start to get good at the way others live in the real world.  and USE our sensitivities to benefit everything around us.  it will just be an aspect of us while we are just being like any other human being who can now observe you for all that you are.  which is why i'm wanting to become at least semi well known as an internet personality, through youtube and the like.  STILL have many age old plans that i could go and old connections but I DONT know how.. i don't even think it's THAT thing that's keeping me from being able to get anywhere.. but like i said.. it doesn't have to happen now BUT anything can happen at any time, specially if you put your effort in something all the away.. drop of a hat, as fast as snap.. xD So yeah.. we are well acquainted with my ambitions already.. lol   I'll try Yousician if i can afford it and see how that benefits me.  is there any free programs to meddle with? I'd love to get at something famous youtubers use in their music making.. cause sometimes it's like they have all this experience that i have no idea that they acquired it.. they must have friends or something.. but that's where i'm a bit clueless i guess..  But it's like you must already be well off in some way to even get close to anybody that would WANT to help you even if you don't really ask for it.. ... chances are they just met these people at youtube conventions and the like.. but yeah... i just want to really get out there somehow.. cause i know we all start somewhere but it's like I NEED somebody to mentor me and include me into their world.. y'know?

GuessI'm just in a community where nobody DOES anything besides  go to school, work and die..  it's gross.. people say how i should go to Vancouver and stuff but never seemed to happen since i was always fucking controlled by my family.  i had NO real way to navigate anything on my own.  and if i did.. i'd probably do outlandish things because i have no boundaries and go for the person who gives me any proper attention..

AND of course my family caused this clingyness but also blame me for being clingy and try to fucking change me and then change me again and change me so e more, then judge me some more, then bully me, then guilt trip me.. and pretend like it was all in fun.. ..i love them but sometimes.. holy shit.. look at what you did to me...  but i will not blame everything on them.. since i can take responsibility too.

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2 hours ago, AbsoluteWave said:

even to do outlandish things, like make a CITY look like something from an RPG that blends in with nature and even bits that look super futuristic but without having that air of a prison.. xD

haha omg i love that ???

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by the way the chornic video you just posted is just another proof to my braim that teal is by far one of the most advanced poeple i have seen in my own life 

Edited by Haidar1996
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