Faye

HELP !Grief , loss connection , emotional neglect , abandonment

14 posts in this topic

Hi teal tribes

I am faye 

I wanna know what should i do or heal from 

1. I didnt have a dad , my dad pass away when i was 4 years old

It gave me the feeling of not having a musculine energy in my life , not having a strong person in my life 

In the end, growing up , was me being strong , me supporting me emotionally . Everything was just me being the warrior here .

2. Mom wasnt there for me , wasnt supporting me emotionally , there were no conversation 

I basically dont know how does having parents feels like , growing up , its just me . No one was there for me , no one validate my feelings , NO ONE .

3. The pattern in my life 

All my relationship , ill be the most clingy one , i felt that they were never there for me , they wasnt emotionally available and the worst thing is 

They would walk away and left me 

Im confuse if this pattern of abandonment is caused by how i feel with my mom or my dad ?

4. The healing that i did 

I did alot of shadow work, goin back to my childhood and work thru the truamas that i had when i felt all this by my mom .

But i still dont know how to heal the death of my dad . Obviously there is no memory of him , i dont know him becus i was still young .

 

My question is :

The vibration that i am holding is obviously abaandonment , sudden loss , emotional neglected , having nobody thru out my life

do i heal my abandonment trauma from my mom ? Or dad that passwed away( grief )

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Hi Faye,

I read your message earlier and wanted to think about it for a moment before responding. I've done a lot of shadow work surrounding my own childhood trauma which had a lot of neglect and emotionally abusive parenting. My parents are both alive but I'm estranged from both of them in their own right. Overall, this has been a choice of my own, and I'm at peace with this decision. 

A little about my own life: my mother was a pet hoarder and a !!!!! who had a life changing aneurysm when I was 17. She's still in an assisted living home and closure isn't fully possible. My father abandoned me and my sister shortly after, leaving us at our grandparents' house and starting a new family. Though in my early 20's, I made the decision to reconnect with him, I see now that that should never have happened. The relationship has been a painful failure, and wound up emotionally re-abusing me since I had to witness many things that only made me feel as ignored as I was in my childhood and my teens. The relationship I tried to graft with his significant other was also emotionally abusive and re-traumatized me in the end. 

Before I started doing shadow work, I was in horribly emotionally and physically abusive relationships. Some mirrored the relationship with my mother attracting cold and distant partners who refused to acknowledge me. Others mirrored the relationship with my father and would be not only co-dependant but entirely built upon me putting their needs first but never being loved in return. 

I've since begun my journey into attracting all soul mates, and I can feel that I'm incredibly close to that, but it took a lot of saying 'no,' to situations that kept repeating. For instance, an ex emailed me tonight and I had the choice of a) ignoring him, b) blocking his email or c) telling him I don't want to speak to him any more or have him in my life in any way. I chose b) & c). We're working together to teach Source what's up, IMO. 

To answer your question from my perspective: 

I had blocked so much trauma, I almost had to exclusively work through triggers. In fact, this whole past year has been a rollercoaster ride just full of them, and I've let them all come. When I would initiate the 'Completion Process,' my subconscious would tell me whether I was working through mother issues, or father issues, or all of the above. I recommend (again, from my experience) that you rest strongly in the knowing that you'll be able to work through both in the exact correct natural timing that is right for you. I haven't had to worry about what to heal what day, my soul and my intuition helps me to know. It can be a little challenging to take that route, but even though I knew of exact people, and things, and situations that I wanted to talk about or resolve, it was digging through those moments when they triggered that brought my vibration up the most, and 'cleared' that part of my Field. 

Even today, I went through a trauma so severe that involved my parents fighting over me bringing home incorrect change from an ice-cream truck, I wound up sobbing for 20 minutes after re-integrating 9 different aspects of myself that were broken off because of it. It was so big in fact, it dealt with my hatred of money, of responsibility, feelings of worthlessness, the stemming of self-punishment. I was shocked but so relieved. I would never have remembered that consciously... I was triggered by the local ice-cream truck parking  outside my window

Of course, talking about it in general helps as well, and I did feel like I could reach out to you about your situation since it struck a chord with me. It's awful to be invalidated your entire life. I felt alone today, so I made myself sign up for this community so I'd start reaching out more. You were way ahead of me. :) 

I really hope my response helped. I think this is a topic a lot of people will benefit from. 

Warmly,

Stephanie 

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Hi Faye :)

First:  I truly admire and appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable, here on this forum.  Second:  I am so sorry you had to go through that as a child.  It must have been awful, and I think your willingness to re-experience your childhood trauma related to losing your dad and (in effect) your mum through shadow work is really brave.  

I feel like my wounds (re: emotional neglect/abuse especially) are similar to yours, and so I thought I'd share with you what has been working for me, as well as anything else I think might help you out.

The biggest thing I can recommend is being honest with yourself about the possibility that part of your 'abandonment issues' stem from the fact that you are still abandoning yourself.   How are you never there for you?  (That is what I came to learn about myself.)  This also relates to the 'clinginess' ( likely a fear of loss/abandonment) you experience in relationships.  If you believe that your reality is essentially a mirror of your internal world, try examining your romantic relationships as a reflection of your relationship with yourself.  Ask:  "How is it true that I abandon myself?"  

Now, in your adult life, one way I began to heal my old wounds was to try and 'parent' myself.  It's worth a shot and has the potential to make a big different.  If you suddenly feel angry, for example, try to validate the emotion the same way you wished your feelings had been validated as a child and find a (self-loving) way to express it.  Do everything you can to be there for yourself in ways your parents never could be. 

You wrote about always having to be "a warrior" -- to be "strong."  To help with this, I remember watching (on YouTube) Teal recommending a technique that involves asking yourself "Harder or softer?" for every single decision you make throughout the day.  I think the example she used was that if you're choosing whether to buy an apple or an orange at the supermarket, for example, you ask yourself "harder or softer?" and if the answer you get is that the orange is "softer", you go with that.  No questions.  Just go with whatever you intuitively know to be in alignment with softness.  This tool has helped me massively.

Losing your dad must have been hugely traumatic.  For that reason, I feel like it will likely take more unconditional presence and love to integrate than any other wound.  Shadow work is great, however if you're finding that you're not having much success on your own, it could be a good idea to consider contacting on of Teal's Completion Process practitioners.  The experience alone of having someone sit with you in your pain could very well be incredibly healing in itself!  I also found Teal's book, Shadows Before Dawn, really useful as well.

I hope some of this helps you, Faye!  Teal Tribe is here for you. :D

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http://www.amazon.com/Meeting-Shadow-Hidden-Power-Nature/dp/087477618X

 

That book helped me a lot. Essentially you are spending energy repressing your shadow. You could use that energy otherwise.

 

What I took out of it was that the shadow is a part of me. And by blocking it I'd cripple myself. Compared to others around me who don't know or don't care about the same things like me. Have I become carefree no. Careless, at times yes. But only if you make mistakes you can learn.

 

Also one way to figure out how to heal is getting a massage and then observing how and when you cramp up again. Then you need to figure out what triggered it. This obviously needs more than one try. Rinse and repeat, until you are clean. Namaste

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http://www.amazon.com/Meeting-Shadow-Hidden-Power-Nature/dp/087477618X

 

That book helped me a lot. Essentially you are spending energy repressing your shadow. You could use that energy otherwise.

 

What I took out of it was that the shadow is a part of me. And by blocking it I'd cripple myself. Compared to others around me who don't know or don't care about the same things like me. Have I become carefree no. Careless, at times yes. But only if you make mistakes you can learn.

 

Also one way to figure out how to heal is getting a massage and then observing how and when you cramp up again. Then you need to figure out what triggered it. This obviously needs more than one try. Rinse and repeat, until you are clean. Namaste

 

PS:

 

Also personality cafe is a good site to get to know other ways of identifying yourself. MBTI is nice, the enneagram however is really good. http://personalitycafe.com/enneagram-personality-theory-forum/

 

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I just wanted to mention...feel is limited to 'the past', or what actually happened. To get to the cause one must look to 'the future.' But obviously not as some 'other place' but rather a new place within us coming from our imagination and intuition rather then overly relying on the five senses in other words. 

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I have neglect issues too. For me I might have shadow worked/integrated a lot of it.
When working with memories at this early age, usually you don't get the full mental picture of what happened.
Feeling into these things is the best method in my opinion.

Most likely it is both parents you have these issues from.

 

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On 6/9/2016 at 1:41 AM, Stephanie Wintermute said:

Hi Faye,

I read your message earlier and wanted to think about it for a moment before responding. I've done a lot of shadow work surrounding my own childhood trauma which had a lot of neglect and emotionally abusive parenting. My parents are both alive but I'm estranged from both of them in their own right. Overall, this has been a choice of my own, and I'm at peace with this decision. 

A little about my own life: my mother was a pet hoarder and a !!!!! who had a life changing aneurysm when I was 17. She's still in an assisted living home and closure isn't fully possible. My father abandoned me and my sister shortly after, leaving us at our grandparents' house and starting a new family. Though in my early 20's, I made the decision to reconnect with him, I see now that that should never have happened. The relationship has been a painful failure, and wound up emotionally re-abusing me since I had to witness many things that only made me feel as ignored as I was in my childhood and my teens. The relationship I tried to graft with his significant other was also emotionally abusive and re-traumatized me in the end. 

Before I started doing shadow work, I was in horribly emotionally and physically abusive relationships. Some mirrored the relationship with my mother attracting cold and distant partners who refused to acknowledge me. Others mirrored the relationship with my father and would be not only co-dependant but entirely built upon me putting their needs first but never being loved in return. 

I've since begun my journey into attracting all soul mates, and I can feel that I'm incredibly close to that, but it took a lot of saying 'no,' to situations that kept repeating. For instance, an ex emailed me tonight and I had the choice of a) ignoring him, b) blocking his email or c) telling him I don't want to speak to him any more or have him in my life in any way. I chose b) & c). We're working together to teach Source what's up, IMO. 

To answer your question from my perspective: 

I had blocked so much trauma, I almost had to exclusively work through triggers. In fact, this whole past year has been a rollercoaster ride just full of them, and I've let them all come. When I would initiate the 'Completion Process,' my subconscious would tell me whether I was working through mother issues, or father issues, or all of the above. I recommend (again, from my experience) that you rest strongly in the knowing that you'll be able to work through both in the exact correct natural timing that is right for you. I haven't had to worry about what to heal what day, my soul and my intuition helps me to know. It can be a little challenging to take that route, but even though I knew of exact people, and things, and situations that I wanted to talk about or resolve, it was digging through those moments when they triggered that brought my vibration up the most, and 'cleared' that part of my Field. 

Even today, I went through a trauma so severe that involved my parents fighting over me bringing home incorrect change from an ice-cream truck, I wound up sobbing for 20 minutes after re-integrating 9 different aspects of myself that were broken off because of it. It was so big in fact, it dealt with my hatred of money, of responsibility, feelings of worthlessness, the stemming of self-punishment. I was shocked but so relieved. I would never have remembered that consciously... I was triggered by the local ice-cream truck parking  outside my window

Of course, talking about it in general helps as well, and I did feel like I could reach out to you about your situation since it struck a chord with me. It's awful to be invalidated your entire life. I felt alone today, so I made myself sign up for this community so I'd start reaching out more. You were way ahead of me. :) 

I really hope my response helped. I think this is a topic a lot of people will benefit from. 

Warmly,

Stephanie 

thankyou :') <3

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On 6/9/2016 at 1:58 AM, Thalia said:

Hi Faye :)

First:  I truly admire and appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable, here on this forum.  Second:  I am so sorry you had to go through that as a child.  It must have been awful, and I think your willingness to re-experience your childhood trauma related to losing your dad and (in effect) your mum through shadow work is really brave.  

I feel like my wounds (re: emotional neglect/abuse especially) are similar to yours, and so I thought I'd share with you what has been working for me, as well as anything else I think might help you out.

The biggest thing I can recommend is being honest with yourself about the possibility that part of your 'abandonment issues' stem from the fact that you are still abandoning yourself.   How are you never there for you?  (That is what I came to learn about myself.)  This also relates to the 'clinginess' ( likely a fear of loss/abandonment) you experience in relationships.  If you believe that your reality is essentially a mirror of your internal world, try examining your romantic relationships as a reflection of your relationship with yourself.  Ask:  "How is it true that I abandon myself?"  

Now, in your adult life, one way I began to heal my old wounds was to try and 'parent' myself.  It's worth a shot and has the potential to make a big different.  If you suddenly feel angry, for example, try to validate the emotion the same way you wished your feelings had been validated as a child and find a (self-loving) way to express it.  Do everything you can to be there for yourself in ways your parents never could be. 

You wrote about always having to be "a warrior" -- to be "strong."  To help with this, I remember watching (on YouTube) Teal recommending a technique that involves asking yourself "Harder or softer?" for every single decision you make throughout the day.  I think the example she used was that if you're choosing whether to buy an apple or an orange at the supermarket, for example, you ask yourself "harder or softer?" and if the answer you get is that the orange is "softer", you go with that.  No questions.  Just go with whatever you intuitively know to be in alignment with softness.  This tool has helped me massively.

Losing your dad must have been hugely traumatic.  For that reason, I feel like it will likely take more unconditional presence and love to integrate than any other wound.  Shadow work is great, however if you're finding that you're not having much success on your own, it could be a good idea to consider contacting on of Teal's Completion Process practitioners.  The experience alone of having someone sit with you in your pain could very well be incredibly healing in itself!  I also found Teal's book, Shadows Before Dawn, really useful as well.

I hope some of this helps you, Faye!  Teal Tribe is here for you. :D

thankyouuu :') <3

 

really it help me

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Faye. 

First I have a similar story and I been working on that recently. 

You need to work you fear,  your fear of abandonment,  you need to go for a grief that you mum wasn't perfect and she was human like you and me,  so go there hug your inner child and tell her,  "you know what? I'm here for you,  yes your mum wasn't perfect,  your dad wasn't there,  but I will be here for you,you are so beautiful and powerful... You are a piece of art,  the sun the moon the stars,  I love you" hug her,  kiss her,  give to her everything you want someone has give to you when you was child. When you love yourself (even if is your old you to your inner child) you don't need others love and because you don't need,  you naturally will be a magnet for people who love themselves,  why? Because you can not attract different energy and if someone in future leaves you,  you will not care so much about it(or not at all) ,  because you have you. It's hard,  but hun,  try to find yourself alone interesting,  laugh about yourself,  dance alone,  treat and give yourself the way that you would like others treat to you and tell me in weeks,  months how you change and how people that you attract are different.

(mantra aham prenatal 108times per day helps) 

PS. You know there song you love to listen with your soulmate and that flowers that you wish receive one day? Today is a good day,  for you go buy for your self,  and sing your song with your inner child,  take that long bath with yourself,  support your inner child if she need to cry. Let you be your best lover. 

I hope this could help,  and receive big news from you soon. 

You arent your past,  this isn't your true self,  this is a #### situation that you ask for that  before you born and your test is remember who you are. And you are not the girl with sad story,  you are light and so powerful, you have God,  your true father,  that loves you more that ever. You are loved,  darling. 

Lots of love,  sister. 

Rita xx

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On 2016-06-09 at 10:41 AM, Stephanie Wintermute said:

Hi Faye,

I read your message earlier and wanted to think about it for a moment before responding. I've done a lot of shadow work surrounding my own childhood trauma which had a lot of neglect and emotionally abusive parenting. My parents are both alive but I'm estranged from both of them in their own right. Overall, this has been a choice of my own, and I'm at peace with this decision. 

A little about my own life: my mother was a pet hoarder and a !!!!! who had a life changing aneurysm when I was 17. She's still in an assisted living home and closure isn't fully possible. My father abandoned me and my sister shortly after, leaving us at our grandparents' house and starting a new family. Though in my early 20's, I made the decision to reconnect with him, I see now that that should never have happened. The relationship has been a painful failure, and wound up emotionally re-abusing me since I had to witness many things that only made me feel as ignored as I was in my childhood and my teens. The relationship I tried to graft with his significant other was also emotionally abusive and re-traumatized me in the end. 

Before I started doing shadow work, I was in horribly emotionally and physically abusive relationships. Some mirrored the relationship with my mother attracting cold and distant partners who refused to acknowledge me. Others mirrored the relationship with my father and would be not only co-dependant but entirely built upon me putting their needs first but never being loved in return. 

I've since begun my journey into attracting all soul mates, and I can feel that I'm incredibly close to that, but it took a lot of saying 'no,' to situations that kept repeating. For instance, an ex emailed me tonight and I had the choice of a) ignoring him, b) blocking his email or c) telling him I don't want to speak to him any more or have him in my life in any way. I chose b) & c). We're working together to teach Source what's up, IMO. 

To answer your question from my perspective: 

I had blocked so much trauma, I almost had to exclusively work through triggers. In fact, this whole past year has been a rollercoaster ride just full of them, and I've let them all come. When I would initiate the 'Completion Process,' my subconscious would tell me whether I was working through mother issues, or father issues, or all of the above. I recommend (again, from my experience) that you rest strongly in the knowing that you'll be able to work through both in the exact correct natural timing that is right for you. I haven't had to worry about what to heal what day, my soul and my intuition helps me to know. It can be a little challenging to take that route, but even though I knew of exact people, and things, and situations that I wanted to talk about or resolve, it was digging through those moments when they triggered that brought my vibration up the most, and 'cleared' that part of my Field. 

Even today, I went through a trauma so severe that involved my parents fighting over me bringing home incorrect change from an ice-cream truck, I wound up sobbing for 20 minutes after re-integrating 9 different aspects of myself that were broken off because of it. It was so big in fact, it dealt with my hatred of money, of responsibility, feelings of worthlessness, the stemming of self-punishment. I was shocked but so relieved. I would never have remembered that consciously... I was triggered by the local ice-cream truck parking  outside my window

Of course, talking about it in general helps as well, and I did feel like I could reach out to you about your situation since it struck a chord with me. It's awful to be invalidated your entire life. I felt alone today, so I made myself sign up for this community so I'd start reaching out more. You were way ahead of me. :) 

I really hope my response helped. I think this is a topic a lot of people will benefit from. 

Warmly,

Stephanie 

This here is another sign of that writers talent you have.  But I'm glad you're around here too!  I didn't want to be too late~  I have very similar experiences to the both of you but there is SO much that went on which is why I'm so messed up inside.  Lol... But I'm not all that crazy~  and in any cause crazy is good!  and I embrace my weirdess for I AM weird~ I love it.  just love it!

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3 hours ago, AbsoluteWave said:

This here is another sign of that writers talent you have.  But I'm glad you're around here too!  I didn't want to be too late~  I have very similar experiences to the both of you but there is SO much that went on which is why I'm so messed up inside.  Lol... But I'm not all that crazy~  and in any cause crazy is good!  and I embrace my weirdess for I AM weird~ I love it.  just love it!

Thanks again, from the bottom of my heart space. :) Um. Not to quote a classic, but... 'We're all mad here.' And I love being crazy! I'm owning my weirdness. It's time to not only own the crazy and the weirdness that resides within... it's time to honor it! Rock on with your weird self, @AbsoluteWave!

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Wow what can I say! I feel unimportant, unlucky and causing trouble to people around me. I had narcissistic parents and my self- preservation kicked in early to survive them. I never felt unconditionally loved whatever choices I make. I have a caring partner but am afraid he will leave me too or that my bad luck will spoil his life too. So when anything does not happen the way it is planned or gets delayed I go into panic attack mode and start hating myself and feeling helpless. I am doing my best with shadow work but wonder how I am going to survive integrating my traumas. It is tough.

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We're all so similar to each other, everyone in this topic... in fact I'm convinced that all of us in this forum suffered from emotional neglect on a serious level. 

I might be wrong, but it seems like it. 

I'm the same as you are, @Faye. I think you wrote the story of all of us. 

Abandonment, isolation and loneliness, is what I understand you had (tried to) deal with your whole life. It doesn't go away, the loneliness, no matter what you do... It's always there internally. 

So going to the feeling of isolation, of loneliness, directly, would be the only option left. 

"The biggest thing I can recommend is being honest with yourself about the possibility that part of your 'abandonment issues' stem from the fact that you are still abandoning yourself.   How are you never there for you?  (That is what I came to learn about myself.)  This also relates to the 'clinginess' ( likely a fear of loss/abandonment) you experience in relationships.  If you believe that your reality is essentially a mirror of your internal world, try examining your romantic relationships as a reflection of your relationship with yourself.  Ask:  "How is it true that I abandon myself?" " @Thalia

I resonate with this a lot. I asked the same question to myself, and found a lot of ways that I abandoned myself. Through weak boundaries... Not being with my emotions... Prioritizing others. Not acting on my excitement and good feelings. 

 

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