AbsoluteWave

I feel like I''ve been dying since i was super young.

21 posts in this topic

Hello all.  It's as the title explains.  And I'd love it to stop.  I also must add that i created a thread where i attempted to bring up how unhappy and confused I am most of the time.
( Note, I do feel much better lately but I'd still LOOOOVE if i could start making some friends on here for starters.  ) 

So yeah, here I am and almost always ready to talk/connect with you guys.  /

 

I'm no good at this.. x__x;


Edit:  I t also feels like my old age will mean just as less as my youth does right now.   A good example is the title 23 and ready to die.  And a few others of this nature.  not exactly about this topic either. ( for those wanting to get to know me better. )

Edited by AbsoluteWave

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Another important note is that I've never really had any friends.  sure, when i was really little but those died super fast after elementary..  I knew a few through high school but yeah.. totally poof and or whatever else.  A childhood bestfriend i found on FB turned out to be a total jerkwad, pretty much lost anything fair and soft about him.  The boy I once knew.

And my bestest friend through my rough highschool years is now far off where he grew up and had spent most of his days before he knew me, and then a girl around the same time who i think i might have gotten closer with is she didn't end up moving back to her home in ??esten??  some place near Texas or something.. I remember getting her phone number from her uncle, who i hope perhaps still lives in that house.. 'Cause I somehow lost  her number a few weeks or less after giving her a surprise phone-call.. I just find it weird how almost nobody behaves mutually towards me.. ever.  I don't even get ' fake'  friends.  doesn't help when you've been bullied all your life in every way possible and live in the shadow of an older sibling that isn't' even your bother or sister whilst having to live up to what your mother and father wish you to be.

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I find myself able to go in deeeeeeeper than the average person because of the trauma I've experienced and it literally switches the entire way you think and I cant relate to people because that first layer conversation really doesn't interest me at all. and if you try to open up to people they will just end up gossiping about you and not actually helping you out or seeing their pain as your own on some level.

I remember seeing a quote from someone in a video, she said "To be yourself you need to suffer, pretty thing" that's was from I-D YouTube video with grace neutral. its kind of true. if you don't fit the norm and you can not be like everyone else you will suffer because you are something new, and you are not doing what you are supposed to, when technically there are no rules at all, just the pressure of society and family and if some people have experienced pain and in order to heal themselves to heal other people. that's was the intention of that life and society is saying ignore that shit, ignore your higher self, ignore the soul part of life, do what has been done for so many years. but that is played out and nobody wants to do that anymore. the options just don't sound that good... but to start something completely new is terrifying. where to begin?

Edited by Alex7
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Hi @AbsoluteWave I haven't seen any of your prior posts, so I don't know the info you've already put out on the forums, but you sound pretty isolated.  It's great that you are trying to reach out to some of your old friends but have you tried to cultivate some of your interests in order to meet like-minded people?  I'm not sure if you've pursued continuing education, but there are probably some (non-matriculated) classes nearby where you live that might open you up to new social groups. I met some amazing people doing that when I was in NYC. 

I was definitely the square peg in my high school. I didn't fit in with the other students at all but I loved punk rock and alternative music and once I started going to shows my world opened up. The first time I walked into a punk show I realized for the first time in my life that I wasn't alone and that there were other people in the world who were on my level. If you have a passion for music maybe you could start going to shows and if you play any instruments or sing, maybe you could join a band, or start one of your own.

Recently I moved from the US to Europe and one thing that has been great for me to meet new people here has been joining a local writers group. I have met some really cool friends and because we share our creative work the friendships are quite intimate and deep. I hope you can find a way to put yourself out there and find some joy pursuing your passions.  

Be well.

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First off, thank you for your response, I appreciate the heart you obviously put into it.  And the bit about the whole anxiety package thing, I got that as well and i experience it just as you described too!

Well, I felt this feeling much too early..  almost pre-birth.  and as a sickly child, I experienced a life like i had a disease or something...  No to mention many near death experiences as a toddler and infant.  and a few times during earl childhood..  I'm also quite the pussy willow, specially for a boy ( I don't seem to have many defining features, even in the face that would resemble either gender, even for ' feminine ' boys, i don't look like any of those two words i just used..  Sometimes I see something, but I also see somebody that is totally beautiful even just on a physical note.  but lots of the time I actually see myself and literally just see ugliness..X__X;  It's been a common practice since i was little to beat myself up, to hate myself.  even my BF has noted about how I'm so mean to myself, I beat myself up big time and i can see this...   @MPrado

Edited by AbsoluteWave

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@Beyonce Thank you so much for your response as well, all this is really helping.  But It's also been something i've been going through my entire life.  I mean, almost in any situation, it just keeps coming up even when i DO stand up for myself.  But yeah, it turns out it's like I firmly believe in how much I both deserve and do not deserve to even be treated nicely, for in my first highschool, It carried over from how i was treated by the same people from elementary, it just spread to more people.  Then i sort got got my own group, which also had our spot named by others as the " skid corner"  and apparently the word actually meant like "scum of the earth "  sort of thing And even in this school, it was like, any who got involved with me would get alienated and shit.. Even while with my group or somewhere else.. I'd be too observant of everything around me...  Where even the tiniest thing i could get envious of, not per say always in a bad way.. even just how certain events play out, even in the mundane moments.. And here I was not fitting in, and even many people younger and older were fitting into this whole game of things..  with most of it, i thought to myself about how I don't want to play their game.  I don't even know how anyway.  And when things finally seemed to quiet down and i was earning some sort of respect, that's when i got pulled away to another school because allllll of a sudden my family want to move for no reason ( I guess because of my reputation and some small nitpicky events that hardly deserve to be named for how retarded it all was)

But lets just say i felt the wheel start all over again and i had to endure it all over again, this time it went up a notch, to where

I'd have absolutely no familiarity to things in this school.  Until certain woman i knew from the last two, who became a teacher.  it was a relief.  Also a fun time when i met one of my gym teachers there on some random occasion of theirs..

Even the musical and actor groups seemed hard to get into.. i mean, they were a bit older than me but it looked to be their circle for a super long time and it's been like that for years since it's inception..  Let's just say even when things were not annoying or hurtful to me.  It was plain weird.  Everyone's behavior was fucked up.  and not ot mention the school system was fucked up... ooooooh so fucked up.  Example would be this weird thing called career connections program. I got slapped into that early and eventually i found out the REAL one was next door and somewhere else down the hall.  REAL class setting.  Not this special learning education center like thing..  Even the people who were in there got more respect than I did outside of the classroom.  Also helps that this was their terrain but holy fucking shitto.. I got some meaningful events out of it all though but what are that but a tiny fluttery memory?  No offense to the memory.. but seriously.. Anyway.  I commented on it a few times that i wanted to be in there, or perhaps to actually let me take a REAL academic course other than this chef training course I took a billion times through my last 2-3 years there.  And lets just say that the higher level ones, I apparently would have gotten my automatic certificate as a chef ten times over.  but really we simply made the meals for the cafeteria to sell the wares from what we made.  I excelled in this already but I got into Japanese grade 10 and had no real trouble but as the higher grades came, it became so uneven.  We hardly got time to spend with the teacher who was meant to teach us since the guy I was fond of wasn't confident with teaching such a high level.. It was only like 6 people or something in the one I went to periodically.  And of course with no real structure, I almost failed the course.  And this also ties in with my what was still messy writing.  I most of the time had to draw the characters into memorization..  I haven't gotten to the juicy part of the bullying yet either.  I used to get the architypical "let's throw food and garbage at him while in the bus to and from school" and i a few times got very nasty things, like a hardly finished thing of chocolate puding and of course that would get on my clothes and possibly even my hair which of course I would try my best to take care of.  Even then I was afraid of hair loss and things like that since I was noticing i seemed to be receding too early as well as my phobia of losing it for whatever reasons, along with simply noticing how much i was losing.. to me it didn't seem natural even though it wasnt' coming out in clumps or something..  but damn.. I am thinking... " I don't have much to begin with so these few strands are super valuable to me"  xD

And before, I from time to time would be complimented or i would notice it would begin to look full and more vibrant again but sometimes later in the day i could just suddenly see myself and i feel and look like I'm decrepid.. x__x; 

It hurt alot because Of how i knew deep down that appearence was important, specially in a world that judges your looks first.. and so if i didn't have my looks, many people in my life today i don;t think would have been the friends i have ended up keeping..  I could be wrong there because of how nice they all are but yeah.. i think you know what i mean here.. right?

[And regardless about the other people thing.. i'd enter big depression because of the smallest thing, or it could turn into simple brushing and for whatever reason, not even just about my looks.. i'll start to feel frustrated..  And so i don't end up taking it out on my hair somehow.. i tend to go sulk somewhere so i don't end up injuring them. Again your hair says alot about you and your internal health..  And I also loved that biblical story of the judge with magical hair, that was also super long too.  One of my main reasons for wanting long hair since i was so tiny of a person.

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@MPrado  And about the projection of others thing.  Well for one thing.. i first grew up in a rather jock orientated high school, and sort of the same with the second one.. although, not as strongly..  my family expected me to be more like my older nephew who was just the spotlight of it all. everyone loooooved * Spoiler * Levi, he has it alllll, oh my, it's levi.. x.x;  And I was only known because of him.  then shit went even weirder when he graduated like a year after ( so like when i became grade 9 ) Even if i was good at sports... i didn't LIKE being anywhere but home with my dog, etc.  TT__TT;  I perhaps had many fun times that i may take for granted still, even now.  But the rest of my time was filled with so much pain.  Pain in which my fam can't and wont believe i could ever feel.. cause.. who could feel all that.. surely  not normal.  i think even as a joke.. which became not so funny to me.. that i'd get sent to a ward.. i don't even know if it even was a silly threat.. and when i found out what they truly do to people in those things.. i got a bit offended.  Cause even they might not see me again if they ever sent me to one.

My life is mainly full of convoluted stories.. many that are just too minuscule to even mention...

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anywho, all in all, I never had a real graduation with a diploma even though i got to have the ceremony like everyone else.. It just never felt like I was a part of it.. i mean.. so many people got to make a speech or even perform something.. But many of the festivities bothered me... things that should have been fun even for me.. Like those weird blow up sumo suits and.. what a horrendous and dinky prom that was.. x.x  Plus I thought it was offensive to the honorable Sumo art in Japan.  It's effing ancient.. and here westerners are just jumping around whilst acting like buffoons..


Even at a young age I was desiring things to be more like education guilds, like in times when JRR tolkien was alive.. People actually sought education, people GOT it, meeting people.. meeting mentors... being introduced to people who would help you excel.

I live my life like I'm utterly useless.. seriously..  I know my worth but it doesn't get to shine.  Lots of things that would help me , I DONT KNOW HOW TO DO.  I got no real character building lets say.  and whenever i would try to get soemwhere I'd get judged and whateverelse for whatever i choose to do or say.  even now I seek adults to talk to.. But I know i'm not mature enough for anyone.  I always feel like I have to TRY.. even to by this " myself" Like you said.. i really don't like these rules.. i've seen it all too much.  even I will admit to this.  I'm an old soul who had full awareness since his birth.. ( sorry if i didn't make any sense )

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I also must add that it's as Diana Cooper described beautifully in her interview about the golden age to come.


Those who have come into things at a certain time want nothing to do with the outside world.  ( not in the baaaad sense )  to be left alone, etc.

I mean.. it is super hard for me not to live in a world that hasn't seemed to be invented yet.. at least in this version of reality..  =l

Truth is.. there is parts of me that so don't want to be left alone.  And I'm trying not to disregard any part of me that has any sort of desire, etc.

I also asked myself and sometimes others about how do I get from here to there..  I mean.. I have yet to find a guy or girl who will actually talk to you first.. who may even surprise you with a visit.. just off the top of my head.. you know?  Somebody who may keep you on track by taking out out on morning walks or something.. somebody to share some sort of history with..to some degree so many people actually have this..

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You can imagine little me in highschool with big ambitions for himself and the world around him.  I was trying to introduce foreign theater into the curriculum through the drama teacher i bonded with pretty nicely with and almost got it going until the hapless day i had to move away.  But so many people during the time were so helpful whilst being so mean in some way or another.

If you're wondering what kind of theater it was.  " Kabuki"  And I'd help lead it all and make it happen if i had to..

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47 minutes ago, Trinity Anderson said:

Well that's a very mature answer from you!

I met up with @Stephanie Wintermute in person and she had very nice things to say about you. Have you kept in touch with her since she left the forum?

 

She did~!?  That's so kind of her.  I kinda thought.. not that she forgot about me.. but got too busy.. I wish i could have kept in touch.  I tried talking with her though.. I dunno.. things just stopped and i don't know why.. It's more like she got other things to do while I sit around with hardly a thing to do sometimes. ( doesn't mean i don't keep active and pull my own weight.  <3

And thank you for thinking i'm mature.. I wanted to reply earlier but i had to do something with the renovation here.  I want it to stop since nobody has to feel any pain.. nobody has to go through hardship.. This is the whole thing of "into me see" Nobody should have to go through the same or a similar kind of event.  Things need to be done so others don't get fractured again.  but can develop enough empathy to see into the other person.  give them ultimate presence and attention..  That's mainly how  wanted to put this.. Please send my greetings and LOVE to Stephanie.  I really do miss her.. She literally was my first contact here on the Forum.

Edit:  ( I'm also very curious as to what she said about me.  =D )

Edit #2 [ I also must add that she was the soul person that kept me from feeling crazy.  Even the tiny example about when i spoke about Tai Lopez and how she actually knew about him and TED.  it kindled something in me that was old.  where i really wanted to make a difference again)

Edited by AbsoluteWave

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@Trinity Anderson Have i missed something?  did she not get along with Wind?  Well, as I am as always, very aware of everything that is and isn't all at the same time.  Just like the infinite, " I have no beginning nor do i have an end."  I am everything, I am nothing, I was born from nothing, and yet, I am everything.

But I'd love to get across something I've only spoken to with one person from here.  That our true home is a vast one.  And The infinite is one of many in this world, which too has it's own system..  I feel like i wont be too surprised when we get the chance to return home for the first time.  Just like here.. I might experience alot OF De'ja vu's etc.

also, Jessica, an interviewee from Project Camelot is super inspiring to me to bring the home to yourself, and all others around you,  be that bit of home.  Among many other things i got from the video. 


I mean, everything is converging into one place like the heavens that are becoming one with Gaia for example.  the home is being brought to us.

@Trinity Anderson  I do sense that so much work needs to be done.. I mean.. We've become oversensitive and yet so numb at the same time.  I'm curious about this trigger thing.. did she get upset or something?  I wish I was there.. I'm sure it wasn't too pleasant for her..

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@Trinity Anderson Indeed it does and I am well aware of my autism and it's what makes me awesome.  It's not an illness.  I've known this since ever.  It's just that nobody else has the patience for me, or anything like that.  which is why i'm ever jobless.. Things are looking up though.  You may have read somewhere on this forum, but I intend to do alot of great things.  not just with this house but when it is finished.  My BF ordered me a nice book to help prepare me for me my imbergering... if I spelled that correctly.  [[The exam that will make  me a citizen if I pass.]]  And since I'm not like everyone else, My BF has been trying to get me an extension, etc. ( I mean, i'm quite far ahead than most, even in my BF's terms so i guess i shouldn't fear too much.  I will soon be taking a Real life course which should be fun.. even though it most likely will be with other adults.  x.x  i would love ot further my education too but through adult education?  every time i had anything remotely close to those types of things, it ends up being hell.

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