nuia

Need help with boundaries

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Help. So, I have very poor boundaries. I am a people pleaser, I have been abandoning myself for as long as I can remember. I would always sacrifice my own happiness, to keep peace around me. Lately I have been learning where my boundaries are and making sure I don't violate them. This violence against myself has me masked. People, including my family, think they know me but they don't.
I have had to pull away from my family (mum, dad and siblings) They violate my boundaries so much that I don't like to be around them. So here's the problem. My sister lives with me, my husband and my two kids. ( rent free, food free, drives one of our cars - yes this is a boundary I'm working on... long story) Another boundary I have, is that I don't like sharing my space (my house) with others, except for friendly day visits and I especially loath sleep overs. On Tuesday my sister told me (not ask me), that our other sister and her partner will be staying the night. Keep in mind our other sister only lives 20 minutes away. She has been inviting people for sleep overs far too many times and I had had enough. I told her that I wasn't happy with them staying the night - trying to stand up for my boundaries. She asked why? ....... I couldn't think of a nice answer. Nice as in the people pleaser in me wanted to give a peaceful, everyone wins answer. But I told her honestly, that I have never liked people staying over at my house. She totally flipped and here's the worse part. I was finding it hard to validate my boundary, I was abandoning myself. All I could think of was that I had taken a sword and severed the connection I had to my family by admitting that I didn't want them staying over the night. I mean what grown people stay at each others houses every other week? My family.

My question is how do you do it? Stand in your boundaries? I feel like I am wrong. That I shouldn't be doing anything that causes pain to another. Am I wrong? How do you make sure that when you set a boundary, you don't go moving it to suit others?

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I just had a powerful awareness. I accept that letting others violate my boundaries, keeps the I am a good person 'Mask' on. My biggest fear is looking into the mirror and seeing the devil.

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3 hours ago, nuia said:

I just had a powerful awareness. I accept that letting others violate my boundaries, keeps the I am a good person 'Mask' on. My biggest fear is looking into the mirror and seeing the devil.

This is a powerful awareness, @nuia.  Please continue to explore how trying to be "good" keeps you prisoner to other people's standards and violates your own internal guidance: your emotions.

People with healthy boundaries consistently follow their inner guidance system.  It's the goal that Teal encourages all of us to pursue right now because that is how we break our rat cages and avoid WW3.

Here is Teal's video on healthy boundaries, perhaps you have seen this?
 

 

 

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Guest Hyejin_Jang

Not the same sort on the issue though,.. I have a boundary issue with my family too, my case is that my older brother used my name for his business and left me over 0.8 million $ as dept ... long story short, I also felt like I am totorally wrong and bad person when my parents tried to persuade me to lend my name for my older brother...when you are surrounded by all the people who are so used to violating your boundaries, how can you not feel wrong and bad? it is extremely difficult.  So...after years...now I don't keep in touch with my parents and brother anymore, I realized that that is the only way to let them realize how painful I am..they are so used to not listen to me for decades...

 So..even if you feel wrong or bad person, tell them that you rather choose to be the bad person than being stressed out to the degree that you can't focus on your own life because of the sleep overs..  

 

In the benning, they may make you feel wrong more than ever, but try to keep igonoring their reaction towards you. But I am sure the more you show what you want, the more they will just have to follow and respect the lines.
 
I did this to my own parents and family after having the determination that even if my parents may have some serious illness or die all of sudden while I have no contact with them, I will just keep protecting my own safety and life.  
Edited by Hyejin_Jang

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13 hours ago, Hyejin_Jang said:

Not the same sort on the issue though,.. I have a boundary issue with my family too, my case is that my older brother used my name for his business and left me over 0.8 million $ as dept ... long story short, I also felt like I am totorally wrong and bad person when my parents was trying to persuade me to lend my name for my older brother...when you are surrounded by all the people who are so used to violating your boundaries, how can you not feel wrong and bad? it is extremely difficult.  So...after years...now I don't keep in touch with my parents and brother anymore, I realized that that is the only way to let them realize how painful I am..they are so used to not listen to me for decades...

 So..even if you feel wrong or bad person, tell them that you rather choose to be the bad person than being stressed out to the degree that you can't focus on your own life because of the sleep overs..  

 

In the benning, they may make you feel wrong more than ever, but try to keep igonoring their reaction towards you. But I am sure the more you show what you want, the more they will just have to follow and respect the lines.
 
I did this to my own parents and family after having the determination that even if my parents may have some serious illness or die all of sudden while I have no contact with them, I will just keep protecting my own safety and life.  

Wow. I totally get you. When it's not one person you are up against, but your whole family, as though they have their own collective consciousness that think the same way. What confuses me is that they don't see how unreasonable they are.

 

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@Trinity Anderson SO I watched the Matt Kahn video yesterday. I am more confused than ever about the first quarter of the video. My brain is still trying to comprehend, I get physically sick trying to interpret what his message meant to me, because for some reason it is challenging my current beliefs. I'm being told over and over, 'everything matters and nothing matters' in a patronizing voice and feel like I'm back at zero. I feel so used to forward movement with concepts, that sitting in one space feels uncomfortable, borderline insane. Lol.

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Guest Hyejin_Jang
2 hours ago, nuia said:

Wow. I totally get you. When it's not one person you are up against, but your whole family, as though they have their own collective consciousness that think the same way. What confuses me is that they don't see how unreasonable they are.

 

oh yes. more than true!! They don't see how unreasonable they are!

Reading your words made me feel so understood and the confusion you have is also what I have been feeling for a long time. Thanks god!

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3 hours ago, Hyejin_Jang said:

oh yes. more than true!! They don't see how unreasonable they are!

Reading your words made me feel so understood and the confusion you have is also what I have been feeling for a long time. Thanks god!

:) Yay, sharing is caring.

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The more work I do with the completion process the less and less I allow others to violate my boundaries.  Those inner child parts that were afraid they will be unloved or abandoned if they don't please others have now been integrated, so there is far less fear motivating me to choose another persons' wants or needs over my own.  Teal's video on boundaries is very good too.  The books on boundaries are comprehensive, which help increase understanding of boundary issues and dynamics.   Greater understanding can help you forgive yourself and others for any bad choices you may have made or continue to make relative to your boundaries.

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