Cakimali

Hope

7 posts in this topic

Last night i had i believe my first cathartic experience. I knew i was close for days. it's like a growing storm at the edge of your awareness you know you are going to have to face and the clouds are gathering. 

 Two days before the event i went out with some friends to celebrate a friends birthday. We got some beers and went down to the river. There a friend made a joint which i wasn't up for smoking but somehow i changed my mind without them doing more than asking if i wanned to partake. At this point I'd like to say that I'm not a person who hasn't smoked weed b4, in fact there have been month where i was frequent. Weeks leading up to it I was working on working out how i feel and acting how i was feeling but with moderate to little success. But that night i could see how i was disingenuous the better part of my life. I was not speaking my feelings but instead my feelings warped by fears(usually of the audiences reaction and abandonment).I knew i had fear of intimacy but to feel it, and understand it's manifestation on the base level was a frightening and disheartening experience...

I managed to get the grasp(a bit) of saying and believing in my feelings but it was no where near the level u would need to function as a human being. I spent the next day trying to understand and running from it by distracting myself with movies. Right before i went to sleep i saw the next teal video came out (The Sacred Directive of Relationships) in which she said to use the contrast to decide what you need and want which i took to heart and realised i wanned more people in my life like one of the friends from the birthday who is a sincere and open person.

The next morning a college friend i haven't heard from in months sent me a text to see what's new in my life. After a brief catching up he invited me to his place to hang. After i got to his house we immediately start about spiritual things including emotions. He suggested we get some weed, which i seconded and after that we shared a lot of things from our lives. Later in the evening his GF showed up and we ordered some food. When the food arrived she insisted i sit with them at their table(i wanned to eat at a different table) which i found overwhelming because it was too intimate for me. She reassured me in some way that made me feel accepted and completely at ease with it even as she took some food out of my plate :) .After the meal we rolled another joint and started talking about our thoughts and ideas. She inquired why didn't i try and find an open and loving someone with whom i could connect, to which i replied in a half joke that there is no reason for such a person to be interested in me. After a while the subject became our childhood, parents and emotions. I started to open more and more, and to look at things and understand them more seriously and told her about my parents, the way they rased me and conditioned me to function.

Then she asked me a question: "if your life is a road and that road is one emotion, which emotion would it be?". I started to think and feel very intensely, she asked me is it happiness and automatically everything in me rejected such a notion. And only one thing made sense to me, which i told her: "Pain". . My eyes started to water up as i let myself feel it. A dreadful realisation suddenly filled me: "I am alone, i will forever be alone" (not in a romantic or sexual way, isolated from everyone in the world) . Despair overwhelmed me! Heavy blackness enveloped me... It was soul crushing! And then i heard her say in a loving and accepting voice: "You're not alone, how are you alone? You will find someone". She said it as if she actually believed it!? I couldn't understand it at first, I was confused . Then i allowed myself for a second to feel what she felt... The feeling of hope, of believing that you might not forever be alone broke me completely!! I started to sob uncontrollably seeing a white dot appearing inside all that blackness and starting to grow, getting bigger and so bright and loving. It was the best feeling i ever felt.  For a while nothing else existed or mattered. I was with myself unconditionally, my attention undivided. I stayed like that for i don't know how long, and my friend and his girlfriend were having a good time, while i was with myself and i realised that life was continuing :).

After that i recognized i could feel again and more intensely than ever . I can see i don't react to some things that i did before, more paths in my life opened. I think I finally overcame despair

 

I needed to share this with someone and if you stuck with me to the end thank you.

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Wow. No wonder I was attracted to read this post. So basically the idea of being alone always and forever has been the thing that has caused me the most pain in my life. Loneliness, alone-ness have driven me into depression years ago and even though I sort of got through it, I think I mostly just suppressed it because the pain was so deep I had a hard time functioning.

Intimacy is something I'm absolutely horrible at, I've never had any idea of what that looks or feels like and frankly there is nothing in life I find more terrifying than intimacy.

 

I am so happy that you say you feel hope now! I guess that makes me hopeful for feeling hope someday too... :) 

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Thank you for reading it, it makes me feel a little less alone :)

I remember reading another post about catharsis here just before i left to see my friend and thinking wow that's amazing I want that to happen, I hope it  happens to me in my life. I was lucky enough to have found a person with whom i felt safe enough to express my feelings. Now I'm a different person, and I can't wait to get to know this new me! It's like watching Doctor Who's new regeneration :D

And now I want to tell you i know it will happen to you as long as you're brave enough to want to express how you truly feel(even to people who will run away when you do and it will feel painful). You will summon into your life the person who will be understanding, who will want to know the real you and most of all will make you feel so safe to express, understand and feel yourself. 

I believe it!

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Reading this fills my heart with love (and hope). Being open and able to share with, relate to and support one another is healing magic. Lots of love to both of you.

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It is so great you made this discovery about yourself! I think that a large majority of us feel alone even in a crowd and often even with those we love. For me it was this way for many years, however the pain has become much less as I learn to LOVE ME and be accepting and at peace with myself.

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@Cakimali  That's such a wonderfully in depth story, I loved it!   Sooooo happy for you that you had such a revelation!  Some of us wish something like that would happen to just change our worlds around instantly.. Although, you did make that choice to go and I'm glad you did as well!  I'm seeing this as another example of how the vibration of the world has risen just that much higher.  day b day.  Even ordinary, non spiritual have recently within the last few years up til now, some of those included have transformed entirely and you can tell from how they behave and regulate information and put it out to people.  great people to be around.  Such as GiGi Young, Jannike from wisdom from north.  Lilli Bendriss, Almine, Story Waters, and many more.  I'd love for Jannike to interview Almine next and specially to see Lilli come together with Almine.  They are so similar and so powerful!  I somehow just get such an impression that fits the same ID as it were.  ;p

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Hi @Cakimali, wow! What an honest display of raw emotions. I am so happy for you and i can relate... funny enough, i felt that way in a pretty weird circumstance, lol. I had that same epiphany when i watched the film Frozen... When the queen sings that the cold never bothered her and that now they all know and it  feels so free, i burst into tears and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed that my kids might have felt embarrassed by me, haha. I just let it all out and it was like with every word she sang that my heart finally had found the exact words for how it felt. And for the first time ever, i realised that i am never alone, because i will always have me, the me that silently never gave up hope in me and my potential, the me that always knew that i was not what they kept telling me i was.

I dont know if this makes sense, but it was the one of the most real experiences of my life and to think i found it in an animation movie, how freaking weird is that?

Well at the same time when i realised that i had never lost hope in me, I realised that my name needed to change, hence the username which i am using. Renaming myself kind of cemented that experience into my mind as THE changing point in my life, where i now am on the path that is exactly the opposite of everything "they" told me i am. 

I have to say that reading about your experience, it felt like i was right there myself again and damn it felt good, so Thank you very much for your awesome reminder. 

Best of luck to you in growing ever more into the self actualization! I think it is all downhill from here for us, hehe.

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