Jacob

Fear of abandonment?

3 posts in this topic

Hi

I recently started a new education, but had to drop out after 2 weeks due to extreme anxiety, I've done this before and this has led me to try and figure out why i react how i do.

I believe it is because i grew up with a father who wasn't there for me. He would work all night, and sleep all day, which meant i very rarely saw or spent time with him. I ended up feeling that i was simply not good enough to warrant him spending time with me, and that if i had been better he might have spent more time at home. I could also feel that my parents didn't love each other, they showed intimacy to each other.  I remember whenever i watched tv and someone kissed each other, i would always turn my head away, or put my hands up in front of my eyes. My parents got divorced when i was about 12, and i have a clear memory of asking my mother a few years before that why they didn't get a divorce since they weren't happy. My mother was very loving, but also struggled with a depression herself.

I don't know if this is the reason, but since then I've tried to isolate myself, never put my self out there, thinking that I'm not good enough. I've never had a romantic relationship, and i don't have any friends. There was 1 girl when i was in school who explicitly told me she really liked me, and always laughed at my jokes, but i was too afraid to do anything because i thought i was not good enough, and that once she realized how i really was she would just leave anyways.

Whenever i go outside, i fear meeting or seeing someone that i know.

I believe the right thing to do would be to sit and accept and try to understand my emotions when i felt the extreme anxiety, fear of not making any friends at all,extreme loneliness but also overwhelmed and overstimulated by so many new people. But i didn't sit with my emotions, i wanted them to desperately go away, and my dropping out of the university i managed that. Now i just sit at home all day researching this, and in truth i don't feel much, just emptiness, so i don't feel l can "heal" or sit with my emotions since they are not present.

I currently live at my fathers place, who i still see rarely due to his work. Should i tell him that i feel like he abandoned me when i was a child? i feel like that doesn't help anything, he was just trying to escape his own emotions and fear of a bad marriage by working so much.

 

I'm currently at a loss as to how i should proceed, any inputs would be very much appreciated.

 

Edited by Jacob
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1 hour ago, Jacob said:

 

I don't know if this is the reason, but since then I've tried to isolate myself, never put my self out there, thinking that I'm not good enough. 

Whenever i go outside, i fear meeting or seeing someone that i know.

Hello,Jacob

Your past is just your past. Sometimes  it may seem like you're the way you are because of this or that, but i feel that in your situation your fear is caused by something else that is currently happening in your life.

If you fear to be abandoned (btw a lot of people  do too) than yes, you already know what it is.  You also know that you have survived it. That means you will survive it again if it happens. And i am sorry, i know what i just said is not very uplifting, but this is life and it doesn't come with insurance)

And most importantly, please, stop abandoning yourself. If you live the same day over and over again then what are your chances to change something about your situation? choose change that would lead you to have the life you want. 

Lots of love your way. You can do it!

 

 

 

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12 hours ago, Jacob said:

but i was too afraid to do anything because i thought i was not good enough

you are good enough! this isn't no false thing to try to make you feel happy, you are good enough.

lets go high vibration for this one. you are not this person Jacob you are experiencing being this person Jacob with all of its traumas (everyone has trauma by the way) I have trauma too and its all feels normal to me, so I'm not sure what normal is or feels like, I think some people play normal pretty good, I don't know how to do that lol. also crowds make me sick literally, there's too much going on and I will throw up from it, there's a lot going on on a energetic level than physical and its invisible and we cant even talk about it. to me it feels like blowing inside your body or on your shoulder, wherever that energy is, I'm like fuck people can't feel this? shit no wonder they can be normal. you can still learn even though you aren't at school, its not like once you stop going the learning stops and you just plateau and school is your only resource for knowledge. My perspective in this life is spiritual because I'm just playing a character, everyone is. technically nothing is wrong with me from a universal perspective, I'm not trying to be this way its my blue print to be this sensitive and have a good memory to remember that this is all just an experience and I don't fit down here on purpose, that's my blue print. we all think the blue print is to be the norm and reach the standard, but I cant do it, and I'm not meant to do it. you might not be meant to be the normal person you see everywhere. when everyone conforms you wont see any change at all, so people like me who don't fit it will get thrown down here lol. no you're not alone, a lot of people are and have experienced what you have about the school part, all of it. there's nothing wrong with you even if the outside says it, everyone has a blue print.

Edited by Alex7

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