NightRain

I think I just want someone to hear me... Thank you

11 posts in this topic

I keep thinking about killing myself again. It always creeps in. Since I was a child, I've had times where I wanted to leave this place. It's my default, really. When I'm scared and hopeless, the only thing that calms me down is the possibility of suicide. Sometimes I feel like I should have died a long time ago, but I keep delaying it. I guess this delaying shows that I do have a bit of hope. The hope tells me that I haven't yet done what I came here to do, and that I do have purpose, I will feel passion, I will feel alive and fulfilled some day. There's also guilt keeping me here, with the idea of giving up, and hurting everyone who loves me. I've been trying to find those things for years, the purpose and passion, but I can't find them anywhere. That hurts. I feel I'm living a meaningless, empty existence. I have no skills, talents, hobbies. No education. I feel like I have brain damage, can't think properly. I met someone on Teal Tribe who I really connect with, who may be travelling to my country to see me, and we'll go woofing or something similar. But I dont feel worthy of his love. So I feel like pushing him away before he comes here. But I've never had a connection like this before, he is so familiar, we are so similar. I have a deep love for him. He is beautiful in so many ways. And he tells me words of such love, like no one has ever done before, and it scares me. It makes me feel that he must be making some mistake, he cant be talking about me like that. But he is. If we meet, I'll have to challenge everything in me. I'll have to fully commit to life and myself. That is terrifying. I have so many walls and limits, I don't know if I can take them down. I won't be able to hide forever. My hiding place is dark and sad, but it's comfortable. I don't know who I am without my fear and despair. I'm 19. Everything is changing so drastically. I don't know anything about the future. I only know that I've cut cords with everything that used to feel safe and steady. Of course I'm terrified. In one month, I'll be out of this apartment I'm living in with my ex boyfriend. My entire life will be new. I have to grow up. How do I do that? And how do I find my purpose, if I've been looking and waiting for so many years? How do i find my voice and self expression, which have been so stifled? How do I commit to a life on earth, and have it feel 'real', not a dream like it feels now? I wanted to ask Teal about this when I met her last week. I got to meet her one on one, but I didn't really know what was going on and that I had an opportunity to ask a question, so I just stood there awkwardly. I regretted this, yes. 

So, I'm not sure why I typed this, but I must just have wanted to express it. I hope that's okay. I... I don't know what's happening in my life. I'm scared. I have a hard time believing I'll be able to thrive on Earth. I want to bring my inner vision out in to the world, so badly... But I don't know how.

Thank you so much for reading, if you did. I don't have people I really feel comfortable talking to, so this helps. Thank you.

 

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42 minutes ago, NightRain said:

So, I'm not sure why I typed this, but I must just have wanted to express it. I hope that's okay. I... I don't know what's happening in my life. I'm scared. I have a hard time believing I'll be able to thrive on Earth. I want to bring my inner vision out in to the world, so badly... But I don't know how.

Of course it's okay to express how you feel.

It's okay to be scared right now. You are facing many changes, anyone else would be scared just like you.  I know I would be.

It's okay to not know the future. None of us do.  

It's okay to not see how to bring your inner vision out into the world for now.  You have the desire, and that is all you need to start.  We are here to help. We will figure it all out together.  How's that sound?

Reach out to me anytime, @NightRain <3

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@NightRain I still ask myself a lot of these questions. They don't entirely go away... Which can sound horrifying. But, perhaps you're making that a bad thing about you. 

I can assure you 1,000,000s of people ask themselves these questions. Some of us day in, and day out. Some of us only have them come to us when we have a moment to stop being busy. 

We're constantly creating. So, these questions don't go away. Just like the sun will always rise. It's when we make these thoughts our enemy that they hurt us. 

Have you tried any of the self-love stuff from Shadows Before Dawn?  I like her tool of focusing love on a cup of water for 5 minutes. It's easy because I have kids, and I love my kids. The water also always tastes so pure. 

 

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6 hours ago, NightRain said:

So, I'm not sure why I typed this, but I must just have wanted to express it. I hope that's okay. I... I don't know what's happening in my life. I'm scared. I have a hard time believing I'll be able to thrive on Earth. I want to bring my inner vision out in to the world, so badly... But I don't know how.

Thank you so much for reading, if you did. I don't have people I really feel comfortable talking to, so this helps. Thank you.

 

I do this often, as well. On my blog... to a few different friends. So, I apologize if me giving advice was counteractive to your post. 

I don't assume it is, but in case it is, just wanted you to feel safe in expressing yourself. 

If you like poetry. I liked this poem.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/591594794309732/832946690174540/?notif_t=like&notif_id=1475433801344557

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On 10/2/2016 at 1:40 PM, NightRain said:

I keep thinking about killing myself again. It always creeps in. Since I was a child, I've had times where I wanted to leave this place. It's my default, really. When I'm scared and hopeless, the only thing that calms me down is the possibility of suicide. Sometimes I feel like I should have died a long time ago, but I keep delaying it. I guess this delaying shows that I do have a bit of hope. The hope tells me that I haven't yet done what I came here to do, and that I do have purpose, I will feel passion, I will feel alive and fulfilled some day. 

 

NightRain, i am sorry you feel this way. No matter what is happening right now, please remember that at some point (the very beginning) you have actually fought for this life and then later kicked and stretched to get out. All babies that i have seen want to live. Do you think you knew your purpose at that time? Doubt it :) 

A lot of our not wanting to live come from numbed senses. Babies have all their senses very sharp. That's why everything is so cool and interesting for them and that's why you see them smiling and laughing for no reason))

You mentioned you've met someone special. That's already a lot. 

Sending you hugs and love!

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On 2016-10-02 at 2:29 PM, Amazawa said:

Of course it's okay to express how you feel.

It's okay to be scared right now. You are facing many changes, anyone else would be scared just like you.  I know I would be.

It's okay to not know the future. None of us do.  

It's okay to not see how to bring your inner vision out into the world for now.  You have the desire, and that is all you need to start.  We are here to help. We will figure it all out together.  How's that sound?

Reach out to me anytime, @NightRain <3

Amazawa...

I know it's been a bit of time since I posted this, but I want to thank you so deeply for your response here. It was good to be heard, have my feelings validated, and know that there's someone I could reach out to.

Also, we met at the workshop in Toronto - my name is Sofia. We met at lunch. I was triggered when you asked us to tell you about ourselves, and left. You came and talked to me later... and your words were so meaningful to me. It was such an important part of my experience there. Thank you for your warmth and energy.

Love to you. <3

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On 2016-10-02 at 3:16 PM, tiffonce said:

@NightRain I still ask myself a lot of these questions. They don't entirely go away... Which can sound horrifying. But, perhaps you're making that a bad thing about you. 

I can assure you 1,000,000s of people ask themselves these questions. Some of us day in, and day out. Some of us only have them come to us when we have a moment to stop being busy. 

We're constantly creating. So, these questions don't go away. Just like the sun will always rise. It's when we make these thoughts our enemy that they hurt us. 

Have you tried any of the self-love stuff from Shadows Before Dawn?  I like her tool of focusing love on a cup of water for 5 minutes. It's easy because I have kids, and I love my kids. The water also always tastes so pure. 

 

Thank you so much, tiffonce. It's a good reminder, that these thoughts don't have to be my enemy. Maybe it is good that I am asking these questions. I believe I can actually be grateful for their existence now, for the expansion they will bring.

I've been trying the water exercise now, and quite like it. Maybe I should read this book.

Love to you... <3

 

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On 2016-10-02 at 11:12 PM, walt said:

NightRain, what a wonderful post. It's good that you can reach out and please continue to do so.

Life is so intense at your age and everything seems to get worse and worse. Suicide feels like the only way we can control that runaway train. For some it's the end of much suffering and agony. 

One thing that you mention that I believe every dysfunctional person has in common is the inability to be selfish with ones goals in life. As we watch the functional people achieve more goals and move on with their lives we sit stuck forever wondering how we can ever catch up.

 

Thank you, Walt. <3 You've made me feel welcome here and my feelings validated. I related to these words very much.

 

On 2016-10-03 at 5:32 PM, Garnet said:

NightRain, i am sorry you feel this way. No matter what is happening right now, please remember that at some point (the very beginning) you have actually fought for this life and then later kicked and stretched to get out. All babies that i have seen want to live. Do you think you knew your purpose at that time? Doubt it :) 

A lot of our not wanting to live come from numbed senses. Babies have all their senses very sharp. That's why everything is so cool and interesting for them and that's why you see them smiling and laughing for no reason))

You mentioned you've met someone special. That's already a lot. 

Sending you hugs and love!

Garnet, thank you for your hugs and love. <3

It's true, I did want this life. That is enough to keep me here, as I know I came here for a reason.

Love to you...

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On 2016-10-03 at 9:08 PM, Veronica Soto said:

@NightRain my dear girl, my heart goes out to you! I wish I could hug you tight and tell you everything will be ok! Since I can't right now I will send you lots of love. 

Veronica, your hug was well received. <3 Thank you.

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58 minutes ago, NightRain said:

Also, we met at the workshop in Toronto - my name is Sofia. We met at lunch. I was triggered when you asked us to tell you about ourselves, and left. You came and talked to me later... and your words were so meaningful to me. It was such an important part of my experience there. Thank you for your warmth and energy.

Wow, @NightRain (Sofia)!  Reading this filled my heart with joy.  You left such a deep impression on me!  Your presence felt so pure, so gentle, and so kind.  I left Toronto with a deep desire to know you better, so I am so glad we connected here.

I am glad my words were meaningful to you, and I wish we can continue our conversation. I would love to be in your presence again. <3

 

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