courageouslittleone

Forgiving Myself

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As part of extending loving-kindness to myself, I’m working on forgiving myself for things I’ve done in the past. There’s one thing though, that I continue to struggle with and that is my greatest shame. Maybe writing about it will help, I don’t know, it doesn’t seem like it will, but hell, it certainly can’t make me feel any shittier than I already do. This may not even seem like that big of a thing to some people, but, it truly is the worst thing I believe I’ve ever done.

 

When I was eight years old, my family got a puppy, a sweet little Lhasa Apso named Rocky. He was very affectionate, loved to be held by me and gave me lots of kisses. Soon after we got him, when he was still a puppy, I apparently thought it was funny to hit him with a rolled up newspaper. It got to the point where he would hide behind the toilet because it was the only safe spot where I couldn’t get at him. He would often hang out and sleep behind the toilet. I remember my mom wondering why behind the toilet was his favorite spot. I didn’t say anything to her at the time of course. After that, Rocky changed. He was very wary of people, wasn’t as snuggly, and never gave kisses.

 

Logically, I understand why I did what I did. I was getting bullied at school, and hitting my dog made me feel powerful. Logically, I know I am a compassionate, empathetic person, and I would never EVER do anything like that again. Logically, I know I was hurting and needed an outlet for the pain. Logically, I know dogs love me and that I am always kind and gentle with them. Logically, I know they intuitively sense I’m a dog lover and love snuggling by me.

 

Logically, I can make it ok.

 

If only my heart felt the same way.

 

But, whenever I see a picture of Rocky or think about him, my heart hurts….so much…and I weep uncontrollably. I hate myself for what I did and feel so ashamed and guilty. Thinking about how scared and helpless he must have felt…and remembering the sounds of his whimpers….to know I caused that….I can’t make that ok in my heart. I’m really struggling with this. Loving myself through this seems impossible.

 

Rocky, I am so, so sorry.

 

I hope someday my heart can catch up to my head on this one. 

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11 hours ago, courageouslittleone said:

But, whenever I see a picture of Rocky or think about him, my heart hurts….so much…and I weep uncontrollably. I hate myself for what I did and feel so ashamed and guilty. Thinking about how scared and helpless he must have felt…and remembering the sounds of his whimpers….to know I caused that….I can’t make that ok in my heart. I’m really struggling with this. Loving myself through this seems impossible.

With that severe a trauma in your past, asking to love yourself is like asking to jump the Grand Canyon.

When you feel the pain, that is the perfect time to go into the Completion Process.  You will be taking back in time and given the chance to make things right for Rocky.  Your emotional and mental body can time travel anytime you wish.

Go back and make things right for Rocky and for your poor little girl.  They are both calling for your help.  That is why you are feeling the pain.

Sending you lots of love. <3

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This is classic Displacement, Freud explained this. It's a defense mechanism.

I had this sort of experience, except I killed a family of baby mice because I was in so much pain for being bullied all the time. I had to go back and revisit that memory and comfort that child and explain it was okay to feel that way but it wasn't okay to hurt them, and I explained to this child self that he wasn't bad or evil, just so hurt he couldn't express it any other way. 

After I did that, the guilt and shame left me.

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I had a little puppy when I was young. When I read your story it reminded me of this puppy. I feel guilty for hurting the puppy too. I would just roughly push the puppy and it would hit the wall then I would call it back nicely and do the same thing over again. I feel pretty guilty for it but I understand that there was a reason behind it. I was mistreated as a child. 

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