Tessa Rae

Dependent personality disorder :/

21 posts in this topic

So, I had an AHA! moment today when I found out about dependent personality disorder! It's me to a T, though it's a bit embarrassing to admit. Believe me, I want to be that sort of boss chick who like works hard and pays her own bills, but it's just not me. I can't seem to do it.

Every time I start trying to work full time or doing things that normal adults are supposed to be able to do, I end up getting overwhelming anxiety and shut down. There was a time last week where I got yelled at at one of my jobs, and so I just quit right then and there and then stopped showing up to both of my jobs for 5 days straight. Actually, I didn't even leave the house in those 5 days. Which was all fine and dandy, until my other job's paycheck was like 30 bucks and what I pay for rent is way more than that. I have barely enough to cover it, but it's overwhelming...

I guess I'm wondering if anyone on here has any idea what sort of parenting styles cause this? And if anyone has solutions?

Because I don't really know how to handle this. I feel like I wasn't meant to be this old, I had wanted to kill myself before I ever became an adult and now that I haven't, it's just kind of awkward, being alive.... I don't feel like I can handle being an adult and working as hard as everyone says adults are supposed to. I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to go home with my parents in a few months, but I'm not able to establish independence enough to go off on my own. I'm fucking terrified and then it automatically makes me want to exit this existence... :(

I know that escalated quickly... I guess I'm wondering where to go from here. I am seeing a counselor but I'm not sure if it's helping.

 

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Hey, I feel this exact same way. I have a really good job that allows me to take as long as I want off, and still be able to pick right back up again with work without worrying about being fired. My problem is that, I only ever work for bills and necessities, and often I just blow the money that I make FOR bills and necessities on frivolous things, so my bills end up being late every single month. Whenever I try to go in to work, I just freeze up and tell myself I will do it tomorrow.

When I do eventually make myself go in to work, I get into it and I love it and I wanna keep doing it, but then I take a day off and that day turns into 3 weeks or a month and I can't seem to make myself work. I don't achieve any of the things that I want to achieve because of it. The thing is that if I could only work for like a couple weeks straight, I'd have enough in savings to hold me over so that I'm never late on bills and I can work solely for my goals, start investing and saving for the things that I want, but I can't seem to do it. I don't like feeling like I have to do anything, even to get the things that I want.

It's been a problem with me since I was a kid. I've never been to the same school for more than 2 years in a row, I hated school and I hated the fact that I had to do it. I ditched probably half the time, it's a miracle I even graduated. I've never had the same job for more than a year or a few months, (except the job I have now, which is a very challenging and constantly changing job where I am my own boss and I don't *have* to work, which suits me much better). I also have problems saving and spending money. I can't seem to save, and I spend money fast than it comes in.

I've tried to find out my resistance/ shadows on these issues, but I really can't seem to find anything. I don't know what they even are. I don't know how it feels to me except frustrating, and the last time I went into the frustration using the completion process, all I got was shame that I was spending money, which led me to realize that I spend money because it feels like freedom to me because I never got to have material things that I wanted as a kid because my parents were too worried about having enough money to live. So now I see financial 'security' as denying myself things that I want. But that doesn't change the fact that I want and need both financial security AND the ability to have whatever I want, and if I could just for 2 weeks deny myself some things, then I could have both. I don't get it. I can clearly see what I need to do, but I just don't do it. It's like I freeze up, and I will just stay home or go out with friends rather than go towards my dreams and goals. I don't get it. 

I've also thought about suicide as an easier way out, because I really cannot seem to figure out what my problem is. (I'm not suicidal currently, just very, very frustrated, and this subject causes me a lot of grief and triggers a lot of anxiety and depression in me).

Like, I could be working right now. I was going to work today. I was going to work yesterday. I was going to work the day before that, too, but I haven't worked since last Friday. I don't know what my problem is. I've had this problem since I was little.

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Ok, so I just did the completion process with this since this post triggered me and I figured why not?? Hopefully this can help you figure out your post!

This particular feeling, for me, is a fear of commitment. It sounds like that's what it could be for you, too. Commitment feels like loss of freedom to me. I get anxious, depressed and I distract myself with anything and everything when I feel like I HAVE to do something. 

I followed the feeling of frustration with myself that 'why am I like this? why can't i do the things that i should be doing' feeling and it led me to the feeling that while I come across as very independent (or that's how I want to be seen), I don't WANT to have a job, I don't WANT to be successful, I don't WANT to have to pay bills or anything, because it's all too much pressure, and it's all overwhelming and it's all scary and I don't want it or anything to do with it. I suck at it, I never wanted it, I don't want it, I'm not ready for it. I just want someone to take care of me!! 

So, I began to have a panic attack and I went into it because honestly my inner being just will not let me not integrate my triggers anymore, the urge to do so is literally overpowering. So, I go into the panic attack, and I found myself immediately in third grade - my first day of public school. I was homeschooled by my mother (in a Christian curriculum) before then. I had no idea what the 'real world' was like, how to socialize or anything. My homeschool to public school experience was literally like being torn from an idyllic fairytale and being thrown into a stormy ocean where it was either sink or swim. I did not want to be there, but my mom no longer was able to teach me, so I had to be there. I was doing what I had to do, to help my mom out. But I hated it!! So, I let myself feel that feeling of being overwhelmed and completely traumatized by the whole situation and then I asked myself what I needed? I needed to be homeschooled again. So I told my mom (in reintegrating the memory), as my older self, that I would be homeschooling my younger self and this time there was no pressure on her because I would teach myself. I would go at my own pace, which was always faster than everyone else around me, I would learn what I wanted to learn, I would explore and go outside and learn things in a hands-on, experiential way that felt like freedom to me (going to school always felt like prison to me). My younger self was overjoyed. Not only was I getting to learn things I wanted to learn at my own pace, I was excited to do so, and I felt free in doing those things. I was also learning from my older self, a 'big sister/ higher self' figure, who could learn with me and be excited to do so.

The reason that I was so traumatized by doing things that I have to do, is because it indicated to me a loss of personal freedom. Every time I 'had' to do something that I didn't want to do, I was threatened with punishment (loss of home, loss of privacy, loss of food, loss of friends - all very emotionally abusive things, my parents were very emotionally abusive and controlling though they did not know it or mean to be). Like, no wonder I have trouble going in to work??? No wonder I feel guilty about not going in? No wonder I get panic attacks and I can't pay my bills on time. Holy crap. No wonder I feel guilt when I 'indulge' myself by doing things that I want to do, and no wonder I sacrifice my job, bills and necessities to do them! Because doing otherwise felt like a loss of freedom to me.

I hope that my sharing this helps you in some way :)

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2 hours ago, Tessa Rae said:

I feel like I wasn't meant to be this old, I had wanted to kill myself before I ever became an adult and now that I haven't, it's just kind of awkward, being alive.... I don't feel like I can handle being an adult and working as hard as everyone says adults are supposed to.

everything in my being (soul) tells me this isn't what humans are supposed to do. I'm like its not my fault you got stuck in a fucking loop and you're souls been here longer than me! (but I can't say that) I can't even talk about the "spiritual" stuff but that's my perspective. if people were open id say this "I'm on the autism spectrum and I'm literally here not to conform and I'm awareness in this body, I'm aware of that shit, how the fuck aren't you? I came down here to wake your ass up out of this dream and I'm getting destroyed down here, so well done. nothing is wrong with me, but you mother fuckers are going to drive me to kill me because of how asleep and numb you are. the stream in this body is quick, but I suppress because conditional love is a thing down here, you guys miss use the word love, I don't know if you know that, every single person who killed themselves in the past just wanted to feel love again. people are capable of it, but there are facades and layers and a hierarchy of "love", I'll love this, but I wont love that, I'll accept this, but I wont accept that. this is all you, even the darkness, we're pretty dark, light and love is fun and all, but darkness is in us too, especially down here. I can teach you to wake up, but you probably wont do it, so I'll be miserable down here until the shit hits the fan. your soul is here to evolve, fuck the job/school/status part, your soul is here to evolve not be a fucking slave, but you forgot that."

I remember one time I was ready to go, I knew I wasn't going to be alive a week later, I will not do something I don't want to do, I hate myself for it, but again nothing is wrong with me, this is what my soul says, I literally can't change it, my blue print is here not to conform. I also don't know how to see people as their uniform, I talk to everyone like a person, I don't respect a label or whatever, and I feel like a kid in this body, no bullshit. I think everyone is older than me, even people younger than me lol. its a weird perspective, but its my perspective. nothing is wrong with you. figure that one out, its true, painful, but true.

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5 minutes ago, lightworker said:

I hope that my sharing this helps you in some way

Awesome CP session, Lightworker!  Thank you for sharing. 

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Thank you so much @lightworker .... it feels nice to be understood. I will try to go a bit deeper into this feeling via the completion process when it's not 3 AM haha. Thank you for sharing your experience. I wonder where I'll be taken when going into mine. I somehow really identified with your story. Took some sleep herbs and all they did was make me less anxious, not make me sleepy. I need to chill out honestly... lol

I actually also started to ditch school more, the older I got the less interested I was in going to school.

2 hours ago, lightworker said:

I followed the feeling of frustration with myself that 'why am I like this? why can't i do the things that i should be doing' feeling and it led me to the feeling that while I come across as very independent (or that's how I want to be seen), I don't WANT to have a job, I don't WANT to be successful, I don't WANT to have to pay bills or anything, because it's all too much pressure, and it's all overwhelming and it's all scary and I don't want it or anything to do with it. I suck at it, I never wanted it, I don't want it, I'm not ready for it. I just want someone to take care of me!! 

Yess, this sums it up completely! I want to be independent and inspiring to other people but I'm also so sick of trying, it's like I'm constantly at war with the part of me that's a neurotic perfectionist and the part of me that's literally a baby that can't do anything but cry and burp haha. I think on some level I do want success, but I just want to be appreciated for where I am right now that I just end up sitting exactly where I am in a stubborn way like refusing to do anything until I feel I am accepted at my worst. If that makes sense, haha. I want to know that once I do become this person I want to be, that my friends are the ones who were with me through my darkness too. Because I feel like there will be a time where I'll be surrounded with people who want to be around me for my light, and I want to rest in the comfort knowing that I could lose it all and still have a shoulder to lean on. Or I guess you could just say I'm afraid of being abandoned, but it's not quite like that, lol. 

Just wondering, are you a life path number 8?

1 hour ago, Alex7 said:

your soul is here to evolve, fuck the job/school/status part, your soul is here to evolve not be a fucking slave, but you forgot that.

@Alex7 Fuck yeah. I feel you completely. And its nice to hear the part of feeling like literally everyone is older than me, even if they're not older than me, I literally gasped when I read that, because that's how I feel all the time, I feel like a freaking kid in a adult body. I agree. Everything in my being also screams that we are destined for so much better things than this... I just... really want a way out.

Sometimes I feel jealous of Teal because she has found a way out, it seems. I want that so badly. It's not like I want to take it away from her, I just want all of us to have that. Honestly, I think that's why her haters hate her so much... I think we all just want to do what we love without limits.

And then simultaneously we have to struggle against people who have already decided it's not possible to do what they love and make a living at the same time, who are insecure in their belief, and then feel the need to push their beliefs on other people.

Honestly it's so nice to be around people who get it... I swear that there's a mean old man that resembles my asshole of a dad living in my head, where every decision I make he criticizes, tells me to grow up, to stop being such a wimp. And his voice, is the voice of the vast majority of our society. Quick to dismiss, slow to attune.

I will post here as I reflect upon where this has come from further... Though I must admit... Doing the completion process has always been a bit difficult for me, as I don't remember most of my childhood. (which I'm sure, is like, a HUGE red flag lol) ;) 

I hope you guys have a wonderful day, knowing that you helped comfort a soul in need. Thank you.

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7 minutes ago, Tessa Rae said:

Just wondering, are you a life path number 8?

2 hours ago, Alex7 said:

Yes I am :) I have always wanted to be successful and have lots of money, and I know that I will. But I can't seem to reconcile the part of me that just wants to be loved, and held and to be taken care of and accepted with the part of me that wants to have what I want.

 

10 minutes ago, Tessa Rae said:

I don't remember most of my childhood.

Most of the memories that I integrate are simply what comes to mind at the time. A visual to fit the feeling. I went back to my birth once, something I clearly am not going to visually remember, but my brain created images to help me. I think following the feeling is enough and your brain will do the rest :)

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2 hours ago, lightworker said:

But I can't seem to reconcile the part of me that just wants to be loved, and held and to be taken care of and accepted with the part of me that wants to have what I want.

 

@lightworker Curious as to why you see a conflict there.  Why cannot having what you want include being loved, held, and taken care of and accepted? 

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2 hours ago, Tessa Rae said:

I think we all just want to do what we love without limits.

@Tessa Rae

I think you may enjoy the following interview with Teal, especially the last 30 minutes or so. It is by far my favorite interview of her.  

We are all being called to get out of our "rat cage."  The longer we stay in the cage, the greater the pain.  Just doing what you love without limits is exactly how to get out of the rat cage. It's time to do just that.
 

 

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8 hours ago, Tessa Rae said:

I swear that there's a mean old man that resembles my asshole of a dad living in my head, where every decision I make he criticizes, tells me to grow up, to stop being such a wimp. And his voice, is the voice of the vast majority of our society. Quick to dismiss, slow to attune.

I will post here as I reflect upon where this has come from further... Though I must admit... Doing the completion process has always been a bit difficult for me, as I don't remember most of my childhood. (which I'm sure, is like, a HUGE red flag lol) ;) 

I hope you guys have a wonderful day, knowing that you helped comfort a soul in need. Thank you.

yeah, I don't like how much I love people honestly because its rarely the same love back and I just scratch my head going "why did I come down here?" I also don't like how much I love my dad and that shit isn't mutual either so I gave up on that. like I want to open my arms up and accept his "love" but its not the love I want, its just words and he's really good at manipulating to make it feel real, but its not... I have nothing to offer him so he doesn't call me unless he wants to talk to someone, but I'm still like open arms love me accept me! it hurts but I got over it or getting over it, I love him, but yeah... well I accept all of you for real, I love the soul in the body with all of its experiences, I don't create this hierarchy of who I can and can't love. I think I will always have the perspective of a kid lol. there's nothing wrong with you, the world is just fucked up remember that.

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Ahh! So many replies, thanks you guys!

@lightworker Ok holy shit, I am actually a life path number 8 too hahaha! So maybe this issue is like intricately intertwined with that life path number. I mean, it doesn't make it any less difficult but omg I find that so interesting, like holy shit :) 

http://seventhlifepath.com/numerology/life-path-number-8/comment-page-4/#comment-16246

https://www.lifescriptdoctor.com/numerology-life-path-number-8/

@Amazawa I know that question was meant for lightworker, but I'm going to answer it as well. If I do become financially independent, and daresay, successful, it's easy to get caught up in fake friends. Meaning, friends who have your back as long as you're in the high vibration (successful, happy, etc) who go completely ghost if you fall into a lower vibration (e.g. being depressed, losing money, etc). I want to be sure that even if I lose it all, I'll still have people who have my back.

I actually watched about an hour of that interview, it's a good one yes, I'll try to finish it :)   

 

I actually have a very strong resistance to being successful because I think I am the type who is capable of putting my success above everything else, including human connection. I don't want to get to where I want to be success wise, and find that I've lost all my friends in the process. I also have a strong resistance to being wealthy because the people in my life who have hurt me the most, have all been wealthy. I think money changes people, and I guess there is a part of me that is scared to go there at all. There's a bible verse that I'm reminded of: "I don't want to gain the whole world and lose my soul..."

 

@Alex7 You are an amazing being, Alex. Way to be real, I want to hug you :)  

@Neptune   maybe instead of beating myself up for not being better, i can find ways that it's actually a good thing i"m this way?

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12 minutes ago, Tessa Rae said:

I actually have a very strong resistance to being successful because I think I am the type who is capable of putting my success above everything else, including human connection. I don't want to get to where I want to be success wise, and find that I've lost all my friends in the process. I also have a strong resistance to being wealthy because the people in my life who have hurt me the most, have all been wealthy. I think money changes people, and I guess there is a part of me that is scared to go there at all. There's a bible verse that I'm reminded of: "I don't want to gain the whole world and lose my soul..."

 

I hear you.  I too once had many of your beliefs.  They were the stories that I told myself.  Once I became more of who I AM, I decided I didn't like those stories anymore.  So, I changed them to ones that I do like.  My story now is that I can gain the whole world AND keep my soul. That just feels so right to me.

So, my reality is now one where I am enjoying both abundance and soul family relationships.  Money is just an energy, even an elemental if you will.  I love money for the freedom that it gives me to do all that I want.

 

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@Tessa Rae   ( before i say anything.. sorry for the long message.. i guess i'm more deranged than i thought.. )  I relate to A LOT to your first post here.  Though I don't have much job experience.. everything else is spot on.. and the job experience I did get was minimal and doesn't amount to anything.. it's like the people who signed me up to the whole  'career experience' thing were not actually there to encourage me, to find out what my strengths are and work from a position of passion.. Again, I'm glad I never got involved in the net that ensnares almost everybody today.  gives me more time for myself but also to be there for those I love as best i can.


And on the job note.. let's just say my highschool didn't prepare me at all for the outside world whilst they send other students off, giving them a headstart.  the already strong, the outroverts.. the already sickeningly talented.  while I'm still confused.  still drowning.   believe you me... I've felt the same way as you described...  Many times.

(I'm reminded of a relat-able story of mine i wish to share.  I'll do my best since feel a bit jumbled in the head right now.. not to mention it's weird to bring up since i live all the way in holland now.  it's like my past doesn't even matter anymore.  but that's all that seems to be all i ever had... even my family taught me this complex of all that matters is your family and i don't necessarily have one of those amazing relationships with my fam either.)

Like.. Why is it that almost everybody else in my year got to make a speech for their graduation?  or got to perform?   not to mention it was the dinkiest graduation and prom setting in my life.  not to mention, super straight.  I couldn't even find a date.  Although i picked a girl-friend but that already paints the image of everything being painted for the straight person..  ( Not to mention, i grew up on a whole other school and town, then moved away and had to readjust to everything then graduated after two years in a brand new school.  long story short:  I didn't get taught math, science or anything since grade eight which could have saved my life in the long run and perhaps land me a decent job or something.  (Failed science, had a hard time with math even though i got myself into the And I already had a problem with things like math and simply writing down.  Specially writing quickly.  I even now still more or less draw each letter even though i am much faster and more fluent with it now.. And even now, I still can't write in a straight line ( under control now though)  -there was a time when somebody was assigned to write things down intio my agenda for me but they gave up like two days in and i was stuck trying to do it myself.  i'd end up missing my buss sometimes because of it.. even though i began to just get driven back and forth by my mother around around this time.
 None of these people even tried to get me into something if they knew i was so hopeless... they just ensured me to go rot away.  but then expected to behave like every other person and do things like everybody else.  I'm just lucky o have found the close friends that i did.  most of them online.. but still very strong relationships.  I have found over the years... that i am not what they made me become  so to speak.

 I will reclaim it all.  Slowly...  But I could have just had it from the start like everybody else... hell.. even the introverts at this school were treated better.  I've always wanted the same treatment and even questioned things many times as to why this person gets this and I dont when we are supposedly in the same boat as me.  they get a whole other class while i get this b rate version.  also helps that these people already seemed to have a reputation here, or from other schools or something.  How nice.. DX

 ( I don't know if you had this before, but... ) :   Of course when you ty to mention anything.. " you're " the one who's being self absorbed or  whatever else.. also, things like  " They look happy so they are" sort of thing.  applying this to others or even to me when i try to voice things.  then i get invalidated like ' no it's not.. don't be silly.  "don't over exaggerated "  blah blah

It's just like many things have just kept me away from becoming my ultimate/truest self.  be it just completely missing opportunities.. people stealing the spotlight/even my friends..   People/things literally blocking the effing way.  things/people circumstances that just make me look horrible instead of amazing and i slowly become a husk of what i was and what I can be.

Edited by AbsoluteWave
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On 10/1/2016 at 5:29 AM, Amazawa said:

@lightworker Curious as to why you see a conflict there.  Why cannot having what you want include being loved, held, and taken care of and accepted? 

It took me until today to realize the answer to this question. 

I was never rewarded for doing what I had to do in order to succeed as a kid. When I did things I had to do, like go to school or wash dishes or clean the house, I was ignored and raised with the mantra 'you don't get rewarded for doing what you are supposed to do'. The only time I was ever given attention or nurtured was when I was either sick or in trouble. I would often skip school, or get detention, or otherwise cause trouble and I would get lots of attention from both of my parents for it, which made me feel special and important. 

So, I associate working hard for success with being left alone, ignored, just doing what I'm supposed to do. I associate being a failure and being irresponsible and not taking care of myself with being nurtured and given attention and support (both positive and negative). Part of me does want to be successful. And part of me wants to be taken care of. The part of me that wants success sounds like my mother, 'do this and this and this and you'll get what you want' 'save money' 'pay your bills on time' 'go to work often'. The part of me that just wants to be nurtured sounds like my child self 'just pay attention to me' 'I just want to be validated' 'I just want to be loved' 'I just want to be important'. I feel like my child self, the emotional self, is still rebelling against and defying my mother, who is telling me what to do and ignoring me when I do it, but validates my child self with either shame when I skip work or pay bills late, or nurtures my child self by spending money when I feel sad ('sick').

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