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Tessa Rae


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I remember before all of this, when nothing hurt.

Maybe it wasn't always good, but my mind loves to tell stories of you and the lights and the sound of your stereo,

of falling into your bed.


I miss feeling beautiful.

My mind loves to tell the stories of feeling empowered, of being strong

Again, always in the past, and my present looking behind me

And you know what? 


It kills me inside, how much death is a part of life, and how change itself seems to change love and how we love.

And sometimes I just can't tell if I'm stuck in the past, or if remembering is my only way forward.

Because I miss it... the way it was when things were simpler.


Before he took my womb and planted roses where lush fields should have been.

Before I lost faith in you, and us, and who we were becoming

Before I sold myself short for cheap vodka and expensive words

Before I even met you, I wish I could travel back


And tell the girl that is myself to forget how she thinks rape happens

Because there's a thousand ways to not listen

And a thousand more ways to lose yourself


I want to tell her to trust herself and be patient and hold on

Beg her to not leave me


Now the thorns have come up and they choke my mind as well


And the petals are red, blushing with shame


I didn't deserve this


Nobody does



Today I had the most odd sensation that I had been crying earlier

But with no recollection of such a thing happening


I'm haunted by the thought that I have no idea how to grieve or what I am grieving

Besides the loss of something that I do not know yet what it's like to have


I can only hope that someday I'll know

And that when that day comes

I will realize it

was always meant to be

this way

Edited by Tessa Rae
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