Liisa

Opposing desires

2 posts in this topic

Hi!

I´ve been stuck between wanting two things that seemingly outrule the other. I was wondering if there´s anyone else here who is also stuck with a similar problem. It sucks. It would be nice to see your similar stories and maybe get some perspective. 

Anyway. The pair I´m stuck with is the need to lose weight and mold my body into what I´ve wanted for 20 years vs the need to stay exactly as I am and love my current body unconditionally. I´m scared that if I do anything to achieve my dream body I´d be abandoning my current one and all my childhood selves that are stuck along the way. But if I abandon the dream of having a fit body that would mean I´ve been living a lie for 20+ years. And I also cannot be okay with the possibility that the dream I´ve always had is not meant to be mine. Thaking that as truth feels like failure and giving up. It means admitting I never had any power over my body to begin with. And I do feel powerless to my body and I´m scared because a part of me really believes that I´m at the mercy of it (and the whole universe for that matter). 

Just today I discovered another pair of opposing needs - the need to create, be proactive and start a business vs the need to do absolutely nothing. I´m in a point in my life where my childhood´s end is dangerously close. I´m living with my parents still and going to uni. I have two more years ´til graduation and having to start making my own living. And that scares the shit out of me. I cannot imagine myself joining the good ol´ workforce and working myself to death in a position i don´t give a crap about. I´d rather die now. I need an inner fire and passion within me to be able to keep doing anything. And I feel like I don´t feel that way towards anything I could make a career out of. And I don´t have enough energy in me to be able to do anything I don´t feel passionate about for more than a month or two. I can´t see a way out of this. I want a carefree and free and passionate life and I can´t see a way to make that kind of life mine. I know that kind of life is possible because there seems to be so many people out there living lives like it. But I don´t believe I could achieve it. 

And just fyi, I´m aware that even dream lives aren´t always rainbows and sunshine. I´m actually glad to take all the bad and sad with the good and happy. But that´s the thing, I don´t really believe in having the good and happy anymore. I´m even now scared to feel happiness because it always goes away and if I let myself feel the happiness then the inevitable crash that comes right after it hurts that much more. 

I guess the underlying belief here is that I don´t trust the universe and I´m at life´s mercy. Being at a mercy of an indifferent being and being powerless to do anything about it, what fun. And I´m soo tired of dealing with all of this shit. I´m just tired. 

This duality thing seems to really be THE theme in my life. The older I get and the more connections I make it seems to only be more universal in all areas of my life. It´s ironic that even how I feel about this theme of mine is dual - on one hand it teaches me immensly and gives me access to three different worlds (black, white and limbo), on the other it sucks balls because I never really belong to anywhere nor can i ignore black and gray if believing in white would be soo much easier and more convenient. 

I actually don´ t believe I´m a total fuck-up, but I´m sure as hell feeling like one right about now. 

Anyway. I´m hoping some of you might read this and maybe share your ideas and expereinces. I´m feeling a bit better now after getting to rant. So thanks for the oppurtunity. 

Bye! :)

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I love how we have a perfect compass for helping us make decisions: our emotions.  As Teal has explained, when you move towards what your Soul wants, you will feel powerful positive emotions as feedback.  When you move away from what your Soul wants, you will feel painful emotions instead.

So, if you are stuck in a tuggle war between two desires, simply decide to take action toward one of them and see how you feel.  Do you feel your heart expanding with positive emotions?  Then, continue.  If not, then go the other direction.

22 hours ago, Liisa said:

I guess the underlying belief here is that I don´t trust the universe and I´m at life´s mercy. Being at a mercy of an indifferent being and being powerless to do anything about it, what fun. And I´m soo tired of dealing with all of this shit. I´m just tired. 

This feeling of powerlessness is what is attracting "this duality thing" into all areas of your life.  Good place to start exploring your shadow. :) 

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