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First off, I wanted to apologize if my writing doesn't make sense. I have horrible brain fog today. I also wanted to add that I'm scatterbrained (you'll figure that out after reading) (I was hesitating to post this. I might delete it later but I don't know yet.)


I've been going in a downward spiral since yesterday. I have no motivation whatsoever. I'm not where I want to be in life.


So today I figured out that I have a fear of rejection/abandonment.  Which is the root of my social anxiety. I fear that my siblings will reject me. I fear that my dad will reject me.. Shoot I fear that my whole family will reject/abandon me. If they see who I really am, they will reject me.


On top of that, I feel fat. Who wants to date a woman with a fat stomach like mines? Who wants to date someone with soo much trauma? I feel sooo broken. 

That combined with fact that I live with my abusers makes me feel lonely. I feel like I am a burden so I won't ask for help. I keep to myself so I won't burden others.

I'm pist because I'm at such a low vibration that, I have to hold off on looking for new friends because I'll most likely attract a cluster B personality. I am also feeling desperate to find my dream man. Which is no good at all. 



Sooo I wrote that 3 hours ago. I feel better after writing all of that out. I feel like it is pointless to share this but I'm going to share it anyways lol. 

Reading through It realized that I did a lot of complaining. (Sorry guys) Feel free to share / add/comment below. 

I'm bored. 

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With the whole warped image of ones-self thing, i'd like to share that i have very similar mindset.  Thing is, it's hard to really see yourself like other people see you!  You look great to me!  Also, if you want somebody to talk to.  my skype is GreatOniTamayori

We can talk about anything you want.   I'm very much interested in making new friends, meeting people is very fun and invigorating.

And on the note on who will love you.. what's so bad about loving yourself first?  treating yourself, doing things you want to do.  Also, there could be somebody who wishes to love you even if you wish to die/disappear, etc.  Also, " dream men" don't exist, that's also a warped projection from social pollution, such as certain kinds of media, even people in certain media wish people to know that it's not exactly real and it take alot of work to make a film look a certain way.  Even " porn" and no, I'm not talking about super generic/stereotyped stuff.. It's a topic people don't understand or are able to respect.. and therefore  it's immoral and then " immoral" is bad so these people are horrible.. when many of them are very great people and the environment is actually very open and fun.  you get to meet new people.  also depends on the studio... it's a word not many people actually know well enough to respect.. specially in a world full of instant judgement and gossip. 

Rambling is fun.  we can ramble together.  that's basically what a fun conversation is tbh.  people who are so in sync and on a roll that things just get crazy.  lol.  any kind of relationship is very special thing.  You're taking a single or multiple people into your own personal bubble.. it's like taking in an animal.. you have to be respectful.. caring, intuitive, check on them.. care for them.. etc..... which i why people are cautious about getting into them..  we all want a great relationship badly but we are so insensitive... which is why we must get out there more.  learn more so we can properly respect ourselves and others around us.  learning how to behave.  to act like a sensible human being for once.  getting into a relationship requires presence and being observant and caring.  anywho.. if you want a guy.. just get out there more.  not just on sites.  just do anything.  you will runb into somebody.  things don't happen to people who do nothing.. xD
I admire people who can have a relationship with one ore even more people without using the word bf or gf.  it's getting out of the box of socially conditioned norms.  learning to get into the PERSON.. "you should love me and only me."  " omg, don't look at other girls"  all that does is make him feel like he cannot really express himself, already being judged.. helps a bit to perhaps say " She is quite cute, eh?"  just engage him a little.  make him feel that it's okay to be who he is with you..  

And back to the dream man thing.  they do exist.. but we are not wishing to see that we may find other sides to this whole person. 

Edited by AbsoluteWave

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