Dirty_Harry

Help Needed

8 posts in this topic

Help Needed

I'm throwing this out here for anybody who cares to comment.  You don't need to be a gifted psychic for your input to be valid and valuable.  Consider it a brainstorming session ... if something pops into your head when you read this over, maybe it's exactly what I need. 

Nothing happens normally for me.  Ever.  One time in my life, I spontaneously entered a very altered state of consciousness.  My dad, who (at the time) I had not seen in person in a decade, was coming out to visit in a few weeks.  I was in the shower, happily rinsing my very-fine dandelion hair (as my mom used to call it), when suddenly I was overtaken by a vision of my dad.  He was glowing, radiating intense, pure joy, standing in front of a black background.  He was absolutely beaming.  I knew immediately he was there to show me how happy he was.  It didn't take a lot of analysis to figure out that his upcoming visit would be the last time I saw him alive.  

And it was.  The visit was just awesome – it occurred in 1996 and to this day I’m overcome by happiness just remembering it.  He had a fatal heart attack six months later so the visit was indeed the last time I saw him alive.

Until tonight, that was the only time I was ever thrown into an altered state while bopping around during the day.  No meditation, no sleep, no preparation, and certainly no intent to enter any altered states. 

Tonight it occurred again.  But it wasn’t my dad “dragging me inside.”

I have a little monster inside.  He’s absolutely a little shit with a capital “S.”  He was pretty much me around 6 years old, when I was in the thick of the worst abuse a parent (my mom) could lay on a kid.  Abuse from her took every form except sexual.  She had her loving moments, rare as they were, so those were probably what I was trying to reach through my monster aspect.  But basically, I would pull little stunts to get attention.  Do nasty little things, like breaking things or spilling things or whatever.  Nothing horrendous, but certainly enough to cause any adult to send me packing if that option were available. 

As that aspect was disowned, it came to take over my life far more often than I would like.  It LOVES to spill things, drop things, and break things.  I have caught myself literally swinging my leg out while I was walking so that I would stub a toe on a table leg or something to that effect.  The little shit has not diminished.  It’s gotten worse.  It loves to break things, spill things, and hurt me physically.  Nothing occurs that could send me to the ER, and nothing that costs a ton of money.  For example, my last auto accident was in 2008 and it was my only at-fault accident since I started driving in 1981.  My last speeding ticket was 1984.  So its antics are relatively mild but extremely destructive nonetheless and highly irritating.

Tonight, for the first time ever, it forced its way to the forefront of my awareness.  I got a crystal clear sense of who and what he is.  It was just like the shower incident, seeing my dad.  It only lasted a few seconds but that was plenty to know what was going on.

How do I go about reintegrating a little monster like that?  To be completely honest I don’t want him back.  But from what I’m reading, I have no real choice.  Does every aspect have to be coddled and babied?  This part of me is  a nasty little bugger.  How would YOU handle something like this?

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7 minutes ago, Dirty_Harry said:

if something pops into your head when you read this over, maybe it's exactly what I need. 

What popped into my head is exactly what you said:  "She had her loving moments, rare as they were, those were probably what I was trying to reach through my monster aspect.  But basically, I would pull little stunts to get attention."

Your "monster" just wants to be loved and accepted (that doesn't necessarily mean being coddled or babied). From my experience with CP sessions, I have come to trust the inner child to tell you what he needs.  My suggestion is to connect with him and ask him what he needs.  Then, give it to him.  If he can get what he wants without being a nasty little bugger, then he will likely return to your natural state of love and grace.  

Worth a try?

 

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Everything you have said indicates that this aspect of you isn't so deep so as to be unhealable. It's fairly close to conscious awareness. The fact that you are aware of it is already proof of that. Imagine if you were a "regular" person with these issues.  You'd have no clue why you're so accident-prone and then get worse and worse and probably get diagnosed with some BS disorder. The fact that you are aware is enough evidence that this part of you is closer to resolution than it seems.

Do you think he's a little shit that you don't want to baby? That's fine to think. Jump in to that feeling and see where it leads you. There's more to the story.

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Kroge: thank you for a very helpful comment.  It gives me a trail to begin following and that trail has to lead somewhere beyond where I am now.  My feeling on babying this thing is more an issue of "if I reward this behavior, it will continue because it worked."  From reading others' experiences, the impression I'm getting is that these aspects of ours are not as pure as the wind-driven snow.  Give them what they want, and do they only come back wanting more?  My own experience will have to answer that question.  Thanks again!

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@Dirty_Harry -  Now that I understand your question better, I remembered that Teal answers a question similar to yours in the 9/4 webinar on CP.  The person was sick and tired of having to take care of his/her inner children. Teal's answer was that this reflects the experience had prior to age 8 where the person felt they had taken on too much responsibility. Her suggestion, if doing CP, is to hand the child over to the Safe Support Figure and let yourself off the hook. Let the Support Figure take care of the child for now.  Then integrate the aspect that felt like they took on too much responsibility.  Teal recommends having someone facilitate this. Evidently this a common block for CP.  

Another suggestion for you to consider. May not be a perfect match to your questions, but may give you food for thought.  :)

Edited by Amazawa

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23 hours ago, Dirty_Harry said:

Kroge: thank you for a very helpful comment.  It gives me a trail to begin following and that trail has to lead somewhere beyond where I am now.  My feeling on babying this thing is more an issue of "if I reward this behavior, it will continue because it worked."  From reading others' experiences, the impression I'm getting is that these aspects of ours are not as pure as the wind-driven snow.  Give them what they want, and do they only come back wanting more?  My own experience will have to answer that question.  Thanks again!

Yes it's pointless to try and show love towards something that you simply do not love. I wouldn't personally show care and affection towards a child, I would personally seek to teach it a new perspective. I have no interest in care and love unless that is what I feel like doing. If I hate and loathe an aspect of me then I hate and loathe it and that's how it is. Trying to come at it from a perspective other than the one I strongly hold already is just more denial to add to the equation.

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I've been very slow to keep up with the response on this question.  I really do appreciate the input from everybody who provided it.  I think that when I initially replied to Kroge's comment, I just failed to scroll up and see all the other comments here.  They are all valuable and giving me much to process.  I think I was trapped in the misguided idea that all these aspects have to be coddled and happily accepted, and anything short of that will spell our ultimate doom.  Now I'm seeing the requirements are not so rigid.  Explore, see what is there, see what this thing wants, then figure out how to proceed.  I really need to put more effort into keeping up on here, especially when I put out a question like this line.  Thanks so much for all replies!!!

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