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Dirty_Harry

Round 2

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Round 2

My second foray into the Completion Process was undertaken under very different circumstances than the first.  And the results, this time, were an almost imperceptibly slow, gentle, and steady increase in my overall state.  This time there was no elation at the end of the exercise, but every hour afterward got slowly better … and better …

Without going into too much hair-splitting detail, my once-girlfriend is now my roommate.  We are more like brother and sister than anything else and overall the arrangement works very well.  I’m on the clock and on a major push to relocate to another city.  Until then, we share a very small house that she bought.  I manage the finances.  I’m one of those people who is obsessive about it; the world would end long before I was ever late on a payment, and my approach to managing money is very simple: never spend what’s “going to come in.”  It isn’t “in” until it’s sitting in the account.  Although at the moment, she has the only income, I still manage all the bills.  Financially she is highly bipolar.  99% of the time she is as frugal as I am – and that doesn’t mean living in deprivation.  We’re simply very careful about making sure we’re spending wisely, we shop very carefully for the best prices, but we will still get what we need as it can be afforded.  The problem is, that other 1% of the time, she becomes another person.  When it comes to socializing, she is suddenly 100% out of control and will run up the credit cards like crazy.  This time it’s $1300 spent on a trip to freaking Disney when we are already in a $450 per month shortfall, racking up the difference on Amex which will hit its limit in about 90 more days at the outside.  So she drops $1300 on a trip to Disney amid all this, claiming “oh, it’s coming, I know it is.”  Then why not wait until it’s freaking here? 

Anyway that isn’t the point.  The point is, I have a tendency to slip into deep depression over this battle of the value systems, and as we get closer to that Amex card being maxed out, it gets worse and worse.  Last night it really hit rock bottom.  Total depression.  So I decided to jump in and apply the Completion Process to that depression.

The way I handled this was, by itself, an enormous shift for me; very much contrary to how I had handled things like this in the past.  Normally I would fight her, resist her, get angry, and push and push.  This time I just let all that go, and decided “why is this part of my life right now?”  That approach was not the result of any special effort.  It’s just where I’m really at with it, and that new approach in itself was extremely promising to me, despite the depression I was going through.

What came out of the Process was very different from the first time.  I found myself somewhat envious of Lightworker’s account, because hers unfolded in so much detail where my experience was really very nebulous and really just resulted in “knowing,” without any means of having found out.  The aspects of myself that I touched on were not personified in any way; I just started “knowing” things.

What came up was year after year after year of my childhood, enduring massive letdowns every single year for both my birthday and Christmas.  Every year I would hope, wish, and pray that this would be the one year that I got to have a really special day to remember.  It never happened.  Every birthday, every Christmas, it was more token gifts that probably came off the clearance rack somewhere; clothes for school that I should have had anyway, and not much more than that. 

It all culminated in my parents’ divorce; particularly my dad’s rather nonchalant announcement to me that it was occurring.  I was 12 at the time, and only during last night’s Process did I realize how damaging that really was because I had all those unresolved Christmas and birthday events that now would never, ever be resolved.  I would be waiting forever for my one special day.  That was when my depression aspect got disowned.  There was nothing more to do with it, as far as I knew at the time.  It was a gaping hole in my life and it would be there for the rest of eternity.  So I broke off that injured, depressed child and disowned it – primarily out of a sense of survival. 

I cannot heal the events that triggered the depression, and I don’t need to.  The point is to reintegrate the depressed child that I had cast out.  Own him – don’t focus on making him something he’s not, although any healing I can bring is certainly necessary.

I really wasn’t sure what to do last night, when I connected with that aspect, so I ran him through the Process, then showed him in as much detail as I could, what waits for us in the immediate future – the new life that I’m so busy laying the groundwork for today.  He was just elated over it all – just like any super excited little kid would be.  But that elation didn’t extend to me.  I didn’t feel much less depressed at the end of it than when I started.  But it snuck up on me; every hour I felt a little better, a little better.  This morning, during my walk, I made all-time record time, which for me was huge.   I got one emphatic compliment from a woman who was also walking, telling me how amazing I was looking these days.  That really made my day because I’m pouring so much into rejuvenating in every way I can, getting my health back on track before it becomes a big problem, etc.  And it’s all going very well in that area, but this morning was a new high and I was on cloud 9.

Every now and then I stop to assess my overall life; how is it changing after having done this Process, even though it’s only been twice now.  My basic handling of this latest “event” reflected massive changes on a very deep level.  I wasn’t throwing any more internal tantrums, and I didn’t have to work at not doing it.  I simply changed on a very deep level to where “heal it” was the only conceivable approach that would help.  That was simply reality, not forced compliance with any given mandate.

So, overall, it’s really no surprise that doing this Process repeatedly begins to ripple into every last corner of our lives, and every day seems to entail another new discovery of just how huge life is; how much there is beyond what we think is the limit.  The Completion Process is one among many roads to discovering ourselves.  Every time we think we have it all, something else tells us “oh please, you don’t even have 1% of this down.”  Which ultimately has us asking … how good does it all get???

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