Behaviour patterns

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I had a bit of a disturbing breakthrough last night/ this morning.

I have a pattern of behaviour which is that one of these three personalities can show up in me at any given time: Victim/ Bully/ Rescuer.

Also, I look for people, as friends or partners, that are either victims, bullies or rescuers and then fit my personality to match.

If a person doesn't fit into my mind template as being someone who will either control me or allow me to rescue them or (more disturbingly) control them, I move on. I wouldn't have a clue how to respond to someone who doesn't fit one of those templates.

Obviously, of these three, the part where I'm capable of controlling or bullying someone else is not an aspect of my personality that I'm proud of, or indeed ever been remotely aware of. As a lifetime committed member of the overt victim camp, I was stunned to wake up at 3am this morning and realise I BULLY PEOPLE TOO, I can't believe I never realised this and the reason I came to this lightbulb moment (about the whole pattern, not just the unappealing persecutor role) is a direct result of the shadow work I've been doing and a technique I learned from Teal where I follow the trigger, feel the pain and wait quietly for it to lead me where I need to go. The biggest part of this has been observing in a completely non-judgmental way and just allowing.

This pattern began at year 0. It followed me through school, intimate relationships, my work life, my parenting skills - when I look, it shows up everywhere - it's always the same thread, my entire life has circled the drain of bullying in some form or another.

I don't know what to do now - I genuinely don't have a clue. How can you undo your entire life - where do you even start? 

Has anybody experienced anything similar? How do you move forward when you have discovered your own personal Ground Zero?

Much love x

****** I just noticed that I think I may have posted this in the wrong thread - really sorry *************

Edited by Louise
Think I may have posted this in the wrong thread - really sorry
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