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I'd like to start off by saying how content where I am currently.  Like in the last topic I started recently...  I've been reminded in several ways that I just need to get out there.  Because from the many things my BF has pointed out to me and really illuminated is that I'm well spoken, I DO make sense ( most of the time)  lol.  But yeah, this is my point.  I still got these "terminal issues"  with deep self confidence wounds..  Not to mention being a super sensitive boy basically from birth.

I'm aware that I am not really well schooled at all and not to mention I have had a big trouble making friends and fitting in despite all the great times I had in my past.. And this fact really scares me.  I'm always intimidated to be near anybody.  specially with those with powerful confidence and so on, even if they are great and thought provoking.. Same with even when I try to meditate, I feel like a cooky buffoon who feels too much into things..  Or simply put " a wannabe" or something..  It's like I am making a mockery of people who actually know what they are doing and so on. Although, specially with meditation, I just go with the flow and go for what seems right for me to do at the time.  Perhaps I just need a proper mentor who'll get me back on track with things!

Which leads me to want to say a little about how I feel like one big ####.  Lol.  Even in childhood I was provoked with things about such things.
Challenged on things such as race, loyalty to such country and even where you stand politically all the way down to your opinion for everything.
(is this still really an important thing in the western society?  like.. come on people.. lol.)

  Do we realize how dumb it is to be worried about other peoples opinions and so on?  Example would be the the certain japanese mindset which some people may call emotionless and things like that but western society flips out and " NEED YOU OPINION ON THIS"  Even with crap like " batman or superman" and sometimes it's the same magnitude of stupidity even with any other topic and it does seem to revolve around that whole stigma of persona and becoming the loudest and such which Teal puts out wonderfully.  )


Even to the point to find hypocrisy everywhere.. and wishing people would live by the rules they set up! 
Such as my family playing a big part in alot of this.  I've been confronted with that old phrase about being told to be like everyone else ( or better yet, like them.

To :  "stop being cooky"         "  'that' is why you don't have any friends. "
 --------and then go to " be yourself " and so on and usually follows --------
AFTER being told to not be yourself basically.  

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Or well, when you start doing what they tell you to do.. you get this " See, this is you"  or other things like that...
"No...  this is what you want me to be".  Gawd..   y'know??  Lol

And I understand the human condition so much through observations, I even notice how horribly I handle arguments and so on.  and that's when I usually show my inner loser who can't keep his shiet together, although, I've learned skills over the years but it's not easy. this can be relate-able to people on the autistic spectrum who can relate to what I am about to say. which is..  I'll just admit I almost always lose my cool with insensitive !!!!!, mainly the ones coming at me with things I've known as nonsense since i was little.

What is this teaching me anyway?  I mean,  how do I properly stand up to myself?  It's not like becoming well knowledged in both fields and perspective is going to save me.
I just want to DROP the ego, if there is any left in me.. Little story again: Many would always tell me to not hang around such and so person and get threat of disfellowship as it were but I say " Well, they haven't don it to me so far and I love them" they usually have nothing to say and even to this day, I still haven't had said people backstab me and so on.  And in school I was known as one of the " skids" the " scum"  xD  just to add onto all the muck of my life.  Lol.  All at the same time, I had many great experiences during this timeframe, so perhaps there is no need for me to vent since apparently I do have it all together and would need an actual one on one talk to even get a coherent story out of me, because right now I'm souly in my own head so a thought can easily pop up and    "here I go again"  haha.

  
" I'm a bundle of nerves and survival tactics"  And there is a wonderful article that describes so well what we go through on a daily basis and how it can be hard to even do simple tasks such as getting to one room from another.  and I can see there are many forms of that too..

Weird mix.. heavy depression, social and religious conditioning along with being heavily autistic and whatever else there is about me, such as the whole spiritual aspect of me and so on.. I seriously can't seem to cope, I just have to make it seem like I have it together or I will probably be put into a ward or something.  not like my BF would let that happen but you get what I mean though!  as I am now, I wonder what I could even get done in a session with Teal when I'm so very much all over the place most of the time... It's like I'd need to get healed first before I actually engage in speaking..  Although in my case it might just be me with a heavy lack of human contact and just need to get into the rhythm of things again~


Just now has come the time where I am super aware that I am crippled but with the knowledge about " you can get yourself out of the gutter" so to speak.. but knowing myself I can't find anything in myself that would allow me to get somewhere.. and when I actually do?  what then? I bet I'll still be the 7 - 13 year old boy in the head who might have a mental fall out.  I'm turning 23 and I don't seem to have that same walk and talk that other people do.  even from tone of voice and so on.  this is just an observation and many other aspies like myself have this similar thing.  There was even one girl I have met recently who for a long time didn't think her parents were people.  just mom and dad.  Lol.

I guess what question I could put forward would be " How does a person who's  ' mentally handicapped' live a normal and happy life like everybody else?"  I mean, I do remember so many times in my past through emotional frequencies.. this allows me to explore my past or be sent back into a time where I felt said feeling for the very first time and it dawned on me that things came quite easily to me back then and I didn't think as much and I literally went about in almost fantasy like state of mind, full of curiosity and so on.  But I guess when school started to become more of a thing.. specially highschool.. everything seemed to have thrown me so off course with peer pressure, school, general BS of it all, including the whole business of my rather strange but at the same time lovely family... sounds like I am blaming something else other than myself but I see where the injuries were coming from and like what Tai Lopez brings up so bluntly yet so eloquently about how the school system does NOT prepare you for anything.  definitely not the outside world.  They don't boost confidence, nor do you leave with something under your belt.  even getting a job is difficult.  I guess people are very lucky to be in the right place at the right time.. now is there such thing as a person who has it " perfect"? 

Not saying said person doesn't have his or her own experiences in life.. but it's like some people have this perfect shot at life to feel it all in the right proportions..(Good on you though! )  I can hardly even go to a grocery store on my own without feeling like an utter retard.. ( although most of that just comes from enough experience.. might not seem like the case for me with the particular " mental illness" I have.. Or perhaps indeed it's just practice and I will be more natural with it ) specially when it comes to being a vegan and stuff like that.  not to mention that my area doesn't seem to even have a community like that..  And after seeing evidence that DR Sebi can actually reverse so many of these mental and physical illnesses.. I almost am tempted to go straight for the remedies for my autism.  because I feel like my creativity is on a crutch do to something addling my brain.  so after watching films like VAXXED and looking at all the testimonies and so on.. the hype is REAL and holy gadzooks!  All this info that is new to me within this last month or so is almost blowing my mind.  Perhaps there is nothing wrong with me and the diagnosis just wanted to hide something away..    Funny how we're taught that not everything is a conspiracy and so on.. when i feel quite the opposite, specially when you hear the words about how truth is often hand in hand with conspiracy.  Just like with anything, you're constantly thrown into new information to possibly wake you up just that much more.  I mean.. why else are we seeing the government fall away at the seams and so on?  or all these testimonies for almost everything, specially after one person does it.  This awareness of " we CAN to speak up and don't need  permission" really does send an empowering message.  and the fact that there are people who are fighting the good fight and watching them do that, such as with Teal  for example.  now so many people wish to join in on the world where what they think does matter and so on and I just think it's beautiful to watch all this with the perspective of the big picture..
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Anywho... You can tell I have this desire to be " normal" 


i know it's all cliche anyway but hear me out here.. I just want to led my mind seriously relax and almost be in for lack of better word ' ignorant bliss' all day long cause that seems to be when people are living.. truly.. to their " selfish" impulses.. I've always desired such things as the " gay" nightlife and so on, but I never get to live it.  I just am here and I get what I get and am taught in every angle to just be grateful.. Is it really that bad to actually want more in your life?  ( keep in mind though I was raised with a JW mother, no matter how great of a person she is.. has almost had me giving up and just waiting for this " end" to come because I just want that era where I can maybe just be normal..


ugh..  I just wish particular people I know of could just simply touch me and perform a healing because I feel so depleted yet so overloaded at the same time.. and fear that the certain part of the brain that keeps us from literally sprouting wings on the spot will not let me get healed by her.. I want it so badly..  I've tried for so long.. with improvements as an outcome.. but i really wonder if I can actually get myself into a more lively reality.


BUT a big motto of mine was about making my own path and I still live by it and tried my best to shed the labels put onto me and other people and become more informed about how me and my mind work and so on. 

Such as asperger syndrome is just brain waves and patterns that are still unknown to alot of scientists when in reality it's just simply about everyone's unique abilities cause every aspie can relate to things but ALSO have so many other skills that may or may not stem from that part of their mind.  at one point I thought I was claimed by my aspergers even when I had the idea that I am me and this is only a part of me like everything else... It's a rather annoying sometimes but I've been trying to integrate this aspect of me to just become one with my entire being and perhaps that's where my true colors will show.  oddly enough, my BF and others have showed to me that I DO have my own personality so I dunno why I am even blabbing about it here.  I just felt like sharing is all. 

Even to this day I am struggling with oh so much and can hardly even fathom it myself..


Sorry again.. I'm wondering my my words are not so eloquent and smooth as I might normally be.. 

 

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