Saturnine_ Angel

I'm on a spiritual path but I don't seem to love anybody in my life. Admiting where I am emotionally

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I try to develop unconditional love in my life and things like this but I don't love anyone in my life except myself (which I dont love THAT much also). At least it's how I feel in this moment. It's not how II feel every moment. I just feel that all the people I have in my life don't have my best interest at heart. Nobody in my life in this present moment including my family have my best interest at heart NOBODY. Everybody in my life right now is very harmful to me and egoistical. Thta makes me end up feeling very lonely and then trying desperately bond with anyone that gives me any crumb of atention and affection. That is a terrible receipt for abusive relationships and people that doesnt respect me truly. My family is number on on this list. They don't give a fuck about me. I always thought a lot about them but the truth is that they don't care about me just think that I'm in a better situation than then (my life is kinda better because I earned it). My sisters envy me and wish my bad and make an effort to see my flaws and judge me all the time and they just make horrible mistakes in their own lives. My friends are mostly men that are in fact interested in me sexually and don't give a fuck really about how I feel just want to prove to myself why they are good and how I should want to be fucking them. Female friends I really don't have any I could really count on. The ones I used to have don't really care about how I feel and are either jealous of me or think they are better than me someway and want to see me behind them someway and show me how I am wrong for anything I make that show them that I'm fine how I am and that i dont care about them so they make me feel guilty like if I own them something because of the soooo good things they did for me me somone that doesn't deserve anything and they did this crumbs of things for me oh my god how come im not guilty of making them something they dont like. I know that maybe this is not entirely true but this is how I see my relationships right now. I wish I could see different or attract people to my life that wasnt on this vibrations but it seems thta right now this is my truth and I dont want to gloss over it I want to be real and raw.

Do you think Its good to own this feelings and admiting where exactly I am emotionally or what? I'm tired of lyting to myself and glossing over things. This is where I come from. this feelings is the heritage my parents gave me and it's how they teached me to go out in the world. I do wanna change it but first I guess i have to admit i don't trust anybody.

What do you think? How could I progress on this matter. Baby steps? What should be next.

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Being authentic is nice, so do that and set boundaries, even call people out if you want to do that. (For example catching someone in a lie and telling them they're lying, that's what I mean by calling someone out) people should be waking up, I hope. We are still in this unhealthy society where masculine and even feminine energy isn't in alignment, so you will be around guys that sexualized you because of porn and society. It's fine if you don't like people, this society is sick, it makes sense why you don't like them, that's not even the real them. 5d perspective would in the heart, and know you're a soul in this body and you aren't this body, just in it, so is everyone else, Namaste, for real lol. See your body as like a kid and the consciousness in it as the parent (a loving parent) and allow everything, all of it. The self deprecating thoughts aren't your higher self's thoughts, that's the bodies thoughts (ego) and it isn't even accurate. You have to pretty much dissect every thought to get to the core of it, but the egos thoughts are louder than the higher self most of the time, but it's always there, just waiting for you to listen, it never goes away.

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This is just one person's perspective on your situation.  There will be others.  Take what resonates with you; forget the rest.

Why MUST you feel unconditional love?  Because you were taught that it's "right?"  If you end up there, then you end up there.  If not, then that's the person you grew into.  You judge yourself, compared to all the rules and regulations you've been conditioned to believe, and believe IN.  If you've created an identity that's supposed to be "who you are," you're going to have all kinds of issues with yourself.  It will lead to disowning many aspects of yourself because they don’t fit your model of “a good person.”  When you say “I can’t be this way,” or “I should be this way,” that’s when you begin cutting off pieces of yourself.  And the pieces you chop off will begin reflecting in all the people you know; all the problems you described.  It seems like your entire life, as you’ve described it, is one gigantic effort to “become” something you are not.  That “something” is what everybody else has taught you is a “good person.”

What if all those traits and qualities are just not who you are?  What if you stop trying to achieve your model of a good person, and just be the real you?  The worst that can happen is that you violate what others teach you is good.  That’s their opinion.  They did not create you.  Nobody will like everything about you.  I can tell you from experience that when you stop trying to avoid the disapproval of others, it’s like an enormous weight being lifted off your shoulders.  You are who you are.  If you happen to be somebody who doesn’t love everybody unconditionally, why is that wrong?  This is real life.  Give yourself permission to feel how you feel about every person, every situation.  Long term, you will probably end up at the point of existing in unconditional love.  But you won’t arrive there (as you’re seeing for yourself) by trying to get there.  Trying to be a specific type of person.  Allow yourself to breathe, and live your life as the person you are.  Trying to avoid being something bad can only ever end in disaster.  You are not bad; you are not good.  You are you.  When you live your life as that person, and let others approve or not, things become much better in all respects.

Others will treat you as you treat yourself.  Every time you reject an aspect of the real you, others will reflect that rejection.  And it’s never pleasant.

When I’m in a crisis, I personally dive in and start searching – even YouTube videos, if need be.  Always looking for the next spark, the next inspiration.  Anywhere I can find it.  I explore many gurus, many teachers, many ideas.  And many times it does come down to blind, aimless searching.  Doing anything is better than doing nothing.  But I’m always careful to move toward what I do want, instead of moving away from what I don’t want.  For example I’m on an extremely intensive “quest” to get a new house.  And I want to pay cash for it.  In order to achieve that goal, I must become a person who that house reflects or resonates with.  That goal is not achieved by forcing myself to pretend I’m this or I’m not that.  It’s achieved by being the real person I am, and moving forward from there.  When I allow myself to be who I am, whether others call that “good” or “bad,” then the real me is accumulating the experience down here in physical life; the real me is growing and evolving because it’s what I send forth to experience this lifetime. 

You will find that life is a hair trigger: all you really need to do is feel a desire for something, and all the wheels are automatically set in motion.  Your life begins doing what it does to clean up the problems inside you; the things blocking you from having what you said you wanted to have.

It’s never, ever a struggle to cope with the world around you.  If there are problems there, they are only reflecting problems inside.  As you clean up your internal problems, the world outside must reflect that progress.  It requires little effort from you, and what effort you need to put forth,  you’ll feel compelled to do.  There is no danger of missing the boat.

 

What if you were the only person on Earth?  What if there were nobody here to ever teach you anything about right and wrong, good and bad?  Who would you be then, if nothing you did or failed to do could ever impact another person?  That's the real you.  Isn't she awesome???

Edited by Dirty_Harry
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12 hours ago, Dirty_Harry said:

This is just one person's perspective on your situation.  There will be others.  Take what resonates with you; forget the rest.

Why MUST you feel unconditional love?  Because you were taught that it's "right?"  If you end up there, then you end up there.  If not, then that's the person you grew into.  You judge yourself, compared to all the rules and regulations you've been conditioned to believe, and believe IN.  If you've created an identity that's supposed to be "who you are," you're going to have all kinds of issues with yourself.  It will lead to disowning many aspects of yourself because they don’t fit your model of “a good person.”  When you say “I can’t be this way,” or “I should be this way,” that’s when you begin cutting off pieces of yourself.  And the pieces you chop off will begin reflecting in all the people you know; all the problems you described.  It seems like your entire life, as you’ve described it, is one gigantic effort to “become” something you are not.  That “something” is what everybody else has taught you is a “good person.”

What if all those traits and qualities are just not who you are?  What if you stop trying to achieve your model of a good person, and just be the real you?  The worst that can happen is that you violate what others teach you is good.  That’s their opinion.  They did not create you.  Nobody will like everything about you.  I can tell you from experience that when you stop trying to avoid the disapproval of others, it’s like an enormous weight being lifted off your shoulders.  You are who you are.  If you happen to be somebody who doesn’t love everybody unconditionally, why is that wrong?  This is real life.  Give yourself permission to feel how you feel about every person, every situation.  Long term, you will probably end up at the point of existing in unconditional love.  But you won’t arrive there (as you’re seeing for yourself) by trying to get there.  Trying to be a specific type of person.  Allow yourself to breathe, and live your life as the person you are.  Trying to avoid being something bad can only ever end in disaster.  You are not bad; you are not good.  You are you.  When you live your life as that person, and let others approve or not, things become much better in all respects.

Others will treat you as you treat yourself.  Every time you reject an aspect of the real you, others will reflect that rejection.  And it’s never pleasant.

When I’m in a crisis, I personally dive in and start searching – even YouTube videos, if need be.  Always looking for the next spark, the next inspiration.  Anywhere I can find it.  I explore many gurus, many teachers, many ideas.  And many times it does come down to blind, aimless searching.  Doing anything is better than doing nothing.  But I’m always careful to move toward what I do want, instead of moving away from what I don’t want.  For example I’m on an extremely intensive “quest” to get a new house.  And I want to pay cash for it.  In order to achieve that goal, I must become a person who that house reflects or resonates with.  That goal is not achieved by forcing myself to pretend I’m this or I’m not that.  It’s achieved by being the real person I am, and moving forward from there.  When I allow myself to be who I am, whether others call that “good” or “bad,” then the real me is accumulating the experience down here in physical life; the real me is growing and evolving because it’s what I send forth to experience this lifetime. 

You will find that life is a hair trigger: all you really need to do is feel a desire for something, and all the wheels are automatically set in motion.  Your life begins doing what it does to clean up the problems inside you; the things blocking you from having what you said you wanted to have.

It’s never, ever a struggle to cope with the world around you.  If there are problems there, they are only reflecting problems inside.  As you clean up your internal problems, the world outside must reflect that progress.  It requires little effort from you, and what effort you need to put forth,  you’ll feel compelled to do.  There is no danger of missing the boat.

 

What if you were the only person on Earth?  What if there were nobody here to ever teach you anything about right and wrong, good and bad?  Who would you be then, if nothing you did or failed to do could ever impact another person?  That's the real you.  Isn't she awesome???

It's just that I want to get there so much! I really want to be ucondicionally loving because I had that experience before and it was simply amazing but now I'm tired and I decided that the best for me where I am right now is to be authentic! I hope it really works.

Do you have any videos or spiritual teachers to suggest?

 

Gracias.

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2 hours ago, Saturnine_ Angel said:

It's just that I want to get there so much! I really want to be ucondicionally loving because I had that experience before and it was simply amazing but now I'm tired and I decided that the best for me where I am right now is to be authentic! I hope it really works.

Do you have any videos or spiritual teachers to suggest?

 

Gracias.

Nothing specific comes to mind as far as videos, etc.  Here's another suggestion: maybe you are already there.  Otherwise you wouldn't care!  Maybe you are already unconditionally loving.  Maybe it's blocked, or maybe you've been conditioned to believe it isn't there when it really is.   If it were me, I would begin asking myself "what is it supposed to look like when I'm unconditionally loving?"  Maybe it isn't supposed to look that way at all.  If you have the wrong definitions about what it means to be "that way," then you could be that way forever and you will still think you're not there at all.

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36 minutes ago, walt said:

Have you noticed that you make everything about other people?

What is your role in these scenarios?

That is an excellent point.  Excessive altruism may well be the ultimate escape from being held accountable for our own lives.  I am not saying that's the case here - just pointing out that anything is possible.

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6 hours ago, walt said:

Have you noticed that you make everything about other people?

What is your role in these scenarios?

 

My role? I'm the person who is tired. Fed up. The person that have had enough. The person that want something else. The person who can't stand this people in her life anymore. The person who want other kind of people and relationships in her life. The person who want change. This is my role. I want see change in my relationships and in the people I'm involved with.

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11 hours ago, Saturnine_ Angel said:

It's just that I want to get there so much! I really want to be ucondicionally loving because I had that experience before and it was simply amazing but now I'm tired and I decided that the best for me where I am right now is to be authentic! I hope it really works.

Do you have any videos or spiritual teachers to suggest?

 

Gracias.

Dearest I resonate so much, ditto ditto ditto. If I can suggest Matt Kahn - he and Teal did a sit down video once.

 

blessings dearest, glad I am not the only one, so to speak.

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40 minutes ago, Neptune said:

Hello :) I commend your honesty! Be easy on yourself and love all these aspects. Do you feel it's been resolved at all, just by posting? I often feel that when we express something to others, something true to ourselves, even something simple and kinda silly to be thinking, we come to terms with whatever it was and can allow it to be in the past. We can move forward. It's really good to acknowledge these things and honor ourselves. By speaking truthfully, speaking only what is true as we see it, our energy increases. Our manifesting powers increase. We can acknowledge what's happened with pure consciousness and move onward and upward from past traumas and current problems.

Keep up the great work! :)

Yesss i feel it! that just by telling you whats going on inside I'm like a lot lighter! It's still difficult to keep it up with this attitude. I feel doubt and I'm a bit afraid that this vibe will attract bad things to my life but I think again and I know I'm doing it from a space of total sincerity and honesty with myself so it can't be that bad. My goal is to be completely honest with my feelings so that I know what they are trying to say to me. :)

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Helloo, I've been looking into this particular subject myself lately, and I would say 'ditto' to Hanging Buoy, who suggested Matt Kahn and also the video where he and Teal sit down together - there are some good insights on this subject.  I would also direct you to a 'Wisdom from North' YouTube video with Teal Swan, where Teal addresses this very beautifully - a little way into the interview, they address the idea that dwelling on your more negative thoughts will attract more negative, and Teal points out that those negative thoughts are there anyway, whether or not you are conscious of them - by voicing them and becoming aware of them,  she likened it to shining a light into a dark basement - you can't argue that shining light into a dark basement attracts more darkness; rather by feeling into the darkness and bringing your consciousness into it, you bring it into light.  I'm sure I didn't quite do that justice, but you get the idea - it's a great YouTube, very insightful and it has Teal's beautiful, no-nonsense way of explaining, which I appreciate so much... I hope it helps you as well.  All my best to you!

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