Elif

Help: Triggers and Emotional Flood. Indecision

2 posts in this topic

My sister, mom and I, we were watching a movie called Mr Nobody. Maybe you know this movie, but in case you don't; the 9 year old main character is forced to make a choice between staying with his dad and going with his mom. The last scene triggered me a lot and I inevitably, and shockingly, found myself in tears. I held myself back from hysterically crying, because my sister was there. I didn't want to be vulnerable with her. 
Now, Nemo cannot decide. He is torn between possibilities. He thinks all possibilities remains when there's no decision made. He plays every possible scenario in his head of what could happen if he made either decision.

I am the exact same way! I had to make a decision between staying with my family and study for exams one more year; or going to another city, alone for university. I am TORN. 
Yesterday... The decision was made. Involunterily. I'm staying. But I feel like I made the wrong decision... And now I can't go back.

So, in case you wonder what each decision has, both positive and negative;

Staying:
(-)  Living the same old contrast with family
(+) Possibility of connection with other people.
(+) Studying psychology
(-)  Realizing I am messed up and falling into despair. Losing hope.
(-)  Messy house - Our house is always messy due to my mom's illness.
(+) Diving deep into studies of psychology, healing modalities and having a strong aim.
(-)  Emotionally lacking home environment.
(-)  Possibility of isolation and being all alone again.
(+) Possibility of finding friends.
(-)  Money paid to the course (university entrance exam preparation course)
(-)  Possibility of wasting one year for wishes.
(+) Possibility of making my dreams into reality. 
(-)   Where I live isn't safe because of bombs and attacks.
 

Leaving:
(+) New people. Brand new place. 
(+) Living in a city I love.
(-)  Possibility of not finding friends. Being isolated in a foreign place.
(-)  Possibility of getting back together with abusive ex boyfriend. Never healing what has made me a match to him.
(+) Possibility of getting back together with ex boyfriend, but this time everything being nice.
(+) Possibility of making friends and experiencing new things with them.
(-)  Government scholarship: Earning 400 bucks every months just because I'm successful.
(-/+) Possibility of not ever getting in touch with my ex, even though we live in the same city. (-): Feeling isolated, and dreaming of what could have happened with him. A promise of connection, sometimes. (+): Let's face it he's never going to get better. It's better to stop the push and pull pattern so that I can attract better partners.
(+) This is relatively a safer place compared to where my family lives.

 

I am tired. I chose to stay. I feel like I made the wrong decision and I cannot help but want to go. But going has it's own risks. I feel like I'm in the middle of a tornado but it doesn't let me leave, emotionally. 

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Hey, that sounds horrible. I mean the place of indecision. Not trying to be mean, I feel you<3. And I can't help you (not in a way I want to), because my life is a mess and also in this kind of place of not knowing shit about how my life will turn out and feeling like a failure. Though, I am one step backwards, well at least that is how I felt reading your post. So good for you! You can obviously still choose the other option. You haven't decided yet otherwise you wouldn't write this post, would you? You probably want support and want to know what other people would do in your place. Honestly my mind would choose to stay with the family (so your family) and my heart would move. Sorry ... and not that you don't have options. You could still move back if you don't like it there in the new city, right? I think you are scared of choosing, because something really bad might happen. How does the worst case scenerio look like? Go there. Your brain listed a lot of points, but your heart feels failure. Sorry, that was very honest, but I would want someone to tell me the same thing. Everything will work out anyway, you can do it! And imagine having someone in the worst case scenerio. I would seriously start a fund raiser if you got broke for example<3.

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