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With this whole spirituality thing, I've learned life is ironic as hell. If you want anything really badly, you have to let go of that desire and trust the universe to do it for you (you want control in your life, let go and let the universe take care of it, then you will have control). If you really don't want something, you have to accept it and welcome it for it to stop bothering you (you want to stop being afraid of certain things, welcome that fear, tell yourself it's okay to feel that way). I read a post on here once where this guy had found a safe space for him to just release his rage. Maybe something like that would be good for you. I'm gonna try to not tell you to stop doing what you're doing because that can send you into a spiral of confusion and frustration. Because then any time your fear comes up or desire for punishment comes up you will tell yourself you're not allowed to feel that way, even if you continue to feel that. You don't have to meditate on compassion. If that's not a part of you right now, that's alright. Not because I think so, but because that's what your soul, I guess, is telling you. I'd say it's also telling you that it's not time yet for you to think back in the past to figure out how these events trigger you. You can think about your past, and you'll be brought back to the present like you said. So focus on what's present, that's fine. That's what your soul is telling you it wants. You're allowed to do whatever you want spiritually. You don't have to follow Teal's or any other spiritual guru's methods by the book.

7 hours ago, Abc said:

Maybe I need proof after proof that I won't be punished after expressing myself? That feels artificial to me though, as if I tried to cover poo with a blanket. So, is there an other way?


I can relate to this in a way. I've also wanted to convince myself to believe something, and I tried using Teal's method of changing by belief, but it felt just like how you said it felt. So we can go about it differently. This might trigger you..... you probably can't prove to yourself that you won't be punished for expressing yourself because it could happen. I think here, you're relying on and hoping that other people will act in a certain way so that you can feel a certain feeling. So what is that feeling that you want? Maybe it's the compassion. What you can do is understand the moment when people punish you. I'm sorry if this hurts you, that's not my intention. Be there and sit there with the pain when you think about your abuse. Remember that validation means that there is a reason for why something's happening or why you are feeling something.

You were abused, but you don't have to blame it on yourself. Even if you allowed it, there's a reason why you allowed it. What's that reason? Do you allow it now, why? Let yourself feel the self hatred, because it will give you answers and allow you to learn about yourself. Be an observer and ask yourself questions as you go through this process. Remember, there's a reason why you're feeling this way, but that doesn't mean it's true. Keep asking yourself questions. If none come up, sit through the emotions and learn about what you're experiencing and why.

I just want to convey to you that there's nothing wrong with you. Sorry to be cheesy, but people have made you feel that way because they thought there was something wrong with themselves. It doesn't mean what they did was okay, but you can try to understand it more if you look at it that way. You're allowed to accept the undesirable parts of yourself.  There's no right way to do these things. Like Teal said, you will learn no matter which path you go down. From one human being to another, you've got this.

:yin-yang-yahoo-emoticon: .

Edited by Kikipocodot
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