sugarplum

Suicide

8 posts in this topic

My life situation is quite complicated and from my stand point I don't see a solution or steps towards it. I need your help. In a nutshell I live with my emotionally and physically abusive mum who has narcissistic tendencies. My feelings are like shit for her. I am 18 yo and I am not financially independent otherwise. My dad doesn't want to have a contact with me. My mum violated his personal life and that is his reasoning (on the surface) of why he avoids me. He lives in a foreign country anyway and I have never met him. Another thing my mum has prevented me from doing when I was little. My school life also isn't nice. I go to some grammar school and the school system kills me. I have no idea of what I would like to do in life and I have almost no one to connect with. My mum said she will kick me out if I leave school. Suicide seems to be the best option so far ... I feel so powerless and that is my biggest shadow, but trying to heal yourself in the same environment people hurt you isn't a smart idea. What can I do?

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Would you be able to join an after school club/extracurricular, or be able to volunteer somewhere on a regular basis? It by no means solves your issues completely, but it gives you a break from your house environment where your mum is, and opens up a possibility for creating connections. Also maybe you could try and use school counselling services if your school has them.  And you say 'almost no one to connect with'- maybe that one acquaintances  or friend might be worth investing in connection wise? :)

I realise this advice doesn't seem like much but I thought maybe easily achieved ideas would help you move through the feeling of powerlessness into an improved place.       

 

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we are all here for you, I'm thinking at night when everyone else is asleep go deep within yourself, it doesn't have to be the completion process but sit with those feelings. Another thing to do which you honestly don't have to straight away because I know the feeling of wanting to commit suicide is big, is to raise your vibration. I'm saying this because I just watched Teal's video today on creating your own reality then how do you explain suffering in the world. She was able to escape because she started focusing on positive things and that can even be such very small things like the carpet, cus that's literally what she did when she was being abused. For me personally, I know raising my vibration and finding anything that is self loving has changed my life, it completely changed who I was when I moved into university because I could finally escape my household and my parents. If you can, I recommend her book on self love its one of the best books ever. Not only this but you can also contact any practicioner and they would honestly keep in touch with you and help you out.

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 Was in a similar situation that never got better no matter what I tried. Reached out for help it got worse. Suicide honestly might be your best option

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Suicide is always an option.  And, I know it feels like it, but as of right now (esp w a narc mother),  its not your only option.  Do you have brothers/sisters or are you an only child?

I remember what I went through when I got out.  When I moved out of the house just before my 19th birthday.  I agonized over it all day every day for almost a year.  I felt so guilty.  She wouldnt hardly let me out of her sight except to go to school.  If I went out for an errand or to the movie, and I was on such a tight leash.  It felt like there was no escape....

I found an expensive summer school course that i wanted to do, that there was no way we had the money for.  This gave me the excuse I needed in order for her to allow me to get a job.  I got a job waitressing.  it was slow going, because now that I was making some money, of course, I was expected to contribute here and there else I was a selfish better-than-thou money hoarding snooty bitch.  I saved and saved and saved.  I had to make sure to hide the money---after the first time she "borrowed" it without asking.  

When the time came, almost a year later, and I found a cheap room I knew I could afford it----ugh, it was still so hard.  I wrote her a very nice letter.  But I didnt tell her.  Yet.

I smuggled my things out 1 load at a time, in laundry baskets, with the excuse of doing laundry.  Then, after I had the keys, had my lease signed, and had my things moved in---thats when I  made a very nice dinner, and gave her the very nice letter.  

Holy hell.  She almost killed me.  Emotionally first, then, when that didnt work--- physically.  I think my brother, or maybe it was one of the neighbors, who called the police.  I dont remember.  I do remember the look on her face and the police officer explaining to her that I was over 18, and she had to let me leave if I wanted to leave.  

That wasnt the end of the story.....more like a beginning.  But it was also the beginning of a new life.  A week or two in, you get the weirdest feeling.  When you're not captive to someone whose entire being is dedicated to making you feel like complete and total dog shit 24/7/365---its an incredible feeling.  Lots of ups and downs, but its WORTH it.  

Oh, and you're right---you CANT heal in that environment.  In order to heal trauma, you have to be SAFE.  Nobody gets PTSD in a war zone......it happens after they get home from the battlefield.  

Edited by WildSage
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My heart goes to you man. I had a loving mother and I cant imagine what's like to be in your shoes, I took it for granted. If I were you I would get a job and save up the best you can and get the hell out.  Personally, I think you should just finish your last year, and yes i know it's hard but that diploma can be useful, just to have something to fall back on. Just a suggestion.

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You appear to have good insight into the psychological dynamics that have made you feel stuck in this situation.  At 18 I didn't have the awareness you have and it's only now in my 30s that I have realised my mothers narcissitic personality and the overall dysfunctional environment of my family has left me with huge feelings of emptiness. For you to have already worked out you need to free yourself of your dysfunctional family is very progressive. Many people stay trapped, often unconsciously for their entire lifetime.

I really like the tool Teal uses to increase your self compassion. Get a picture of yourself as a small child. Spend time thinking about what that small child has been put through and how they did not deserve any of this.

I hope you keep fighting for the better life you deserve.

Edited by Open_Eyes_Say_Yes
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On 8/29/2016 at 9:03 PM, WildSage said:

Suicide is always an option.  And, I know it feels like it, but as of right now (esp w a narc mother),  its not your only option.  Do you have brothers/sisters or are you an only child?

I remember what I went through when I got out.  When I moved out of the house just before my 19th birthday.  I agonized over it all day every day for almost a year.  I felt so guilty.  She wouldnt hardly let me out of her sight except to go to school.  If I went out for an errand or to the movie, and I was on such a tight leash.  It felt like there was no escape....

I found an expensive summer school course that i wanted to do, that there was no way we had the money for.  This gave me the excuse I needed in order for her to allow me to get a job.  I got a job waitressing.  it was slow going, because now that I was making some money, of course, I was expected to contribute here and there else I was a selfish better-than-thou money hoarding snooty bitch.  I saved and saved and saved.  I had to make sure to hide the money---after the first time she "borrowed" it without asking.  

When the time came, almost a year later, and I found a cheap room I knew I could afford it----ugh, it was still so hard.  I wrote her a very nice letter.  But I didnt tell her.  Yet.

I smuggled my things out 1 load at a time, in laundry baskets, with the excuse of doing laundry.  Then, after I had the keys, had my lease signed, and had my things moved in---thats when I  made a very nice dinner, and gave her the very nice letter.  

Holy hell.  She almost killed me.  Emotionally first, then, when that didnt work--- physically.  I think my brother, or maybe it was one of the neighbors, who called the police.  I dont remember.  I do remember the look on her face and the police officer explaining to her that I was over 18, and she had to let me leave if I wanted to leave.  

That wasnt the end of the story.....more like a beginning.  But it was also the beginning of a new life.  A week or two in, you get the weirdest feeling.  When you're not captive to someone whose entire being is dedicated to making you feel like complete and total dog shit 24/7/365---its an incredible feeling.  Lots of ups and downs, but its WORTH it.  

Oh, and you're right---you CANT heal in that environment.  In order to heal trauma, you have to be SAFE.  Nobody gets PTSD in a war zone......it happens after they get home from the battlefield.  

Suicide is not an option. Stop promoting it in such a way

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