Treesarestill

Deep shame

4 posts in this topic

I have painful anxiety. But I didn't realize how bad it really was until I went to an orientation at work yesterday.

 

When I first got there, I was soo stiff and slouched. I tried soo hard to relax but I couldn't. At that point I realized that I didn't feel safe. The environment was safe, however, emotionally I didn't feel safe. My chest was tight and painful, my throat was closing up and I was shaking really bad. And I'm not exaggerating. 

 

At that moment, I realized that I have really deep shame that's rooted in me. I've experienced a lot of traumas in my childhood. Being made fun of throughout middle school and high school. Along with covert abuse from my mother and my little brother that eventually had me believing that I deserved to be treated that way.

 

And til this day I still believe that I should be treated that way, because I am bad person. (This makes me want to cry. ) I can't afford therapy. And I need help. I want to believe that I'm worthy and good enough.. And that I'm not a bad person. But it's soo hard when everyone that I'm surrounded by (family and family friends)  treat me otherwise.

They kick me when I'm down. They talk bad about me when I'm not around. They try to bring me down when I'm happy. They make jokes that aren't really jokes, but are insults disguised as jokes. I could feel completely grounded one minutes, and then the next minute I'm crying because someone ignores me when I talk or they talk over me. I'm fed up.

 

I feel like it's me against my family. If I'm happy, then they get offended. If I'm depressed, they kick me down even further and condescendingly talk to me as if I'm the pessimist of the house. 

 

I want to  believe that I'm worthy, I want to believe that I'm good enough. I want to live a great life. I want to believe that there are good relationships out there. and I want to live peacefully. ....But I'm starting to loose hope. 

 

If you have any advice, opinions, questions, comments feel free to message me or comment below. I look forward to hearing from you. 

 

Edited by Treesarestill
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19 minutes ago, Neptune said:

I feel for you, trees. I don't know why you think you are a bad person. I don't know you but I already know you're not a bad person. If anyone is "bad", it's those who care so little about thier impact on you.

In reality they arent "bad" either, just oblivious.

Life gets crazy and really strange. I don't understand some things that people do, but my job is to just be me. That's all I can do, and IT IS enough, for me. Others can disagree that I am awesome, and they can lick the bottom of my shoe. That's totally thier problem. However, when they make thier problem my problem, I get a little angry. Maybe that's the next step up for you.

But dont mistake anger for the highest power (it does feel powerful). Anger is just a necessary feeling to pass through in order to get to higher vibrations. But yeah. Get pissed off and see if that feels like an improvement. If so, share these feelings with your family and friends. I'm excited for you.

 

Some other advice I can give is to immerse yourself in self-help literature. Read about the Law of Attraction, read Wayne Dyer, read Abe Hicks. Just soak it all in, soak up the positivety. Louis Hayes has a book called "You can heal your Life" (I think that's the name), and I have heard amazing things about it.

Yeah. I think my problem is that it's hard for me to distinguish which problem is mines and which is theirs. 

Getting angry sounds easy, but sharing the feelings with family is what I need to think about.... I suppose it's better than leaving and not saying a word to them. 

I was thinking maybe I'd gather the family together and ask them what they dislike/feel about me. Then I'll follow up with "I understand that you feel that way about me. I am angry. When things were said about me and not to me. And when you guys said insulting things, what was your intention behind that? I felt angry in those moments as well. "  

 

I appreciate the advice :-) 

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Thumbs up for sharing. I used to have terrible anxiety and depression. We all have personal boundaries that we have no idea have been crossed until we are triggered. Now, I feel anxiety is a wonderful thing. Look at your beautiful body, telling you that somethings not right, so that now you can deal with it.

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a lot of people are in the momentum of shitty parenting and not actually fixing the trauma that was done to them, just passing it on. so you have a bunch of unconscious people who are working with someone else's thoughts and beliefs. you think the rest of the world is like your family, and for the shitheads that were mean in school they were unconscious and insecure too. you are good enough and there are people out there who can love you for real who you are, everything, those people aren't your family, but there are people who can do that. you are worthy, of course you are. I'm not saying this to cheer you up its just true, everyone's in alignment self is fucking awesome and your family doesn't give you permission to be that person, but there's nothing wrong with you at all. fuck a low vibrational perspective, its just horrible momentum with low thoughts, but those thoughts about yourself aren't true, its just that low momentum from being around your family.

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