greyswan

the original trauma

10 posts in this topic

I remember forgetting. An action taken over and over again, as I was moved from one childhood "home" to another, several times a year sometimes. There was no time to assess each trauma, so as each happened, I put them away safely, where they couldnt hurt me. I would deal with them when the trauma stops. The trouble was, the trauma didnt stop. Not for years, and years. SO each trauma remained unresolved, locked away, layers of crisis moments. it was only after whitnessing patterns in the trauma that I realized I had to make it stop, and it wasnt going to resolve on its own. there was a lesson to be learned from each event.

Its been almost 3 years since my life felt trauma. I have feared trauma a lot during that time, but nothing has manifested. During this time of peace, unknown to me before, I was able to unravel my real past. To explore how my consciousness has evolved. Its been painful, and much has been filled with self doubt... Now I come to the realization that to be "healed" is not an achievement that I get, and that before when I had been on my path of healing all I was doing was reconnecting with myself. Reconnecting with a self I had fragmented and chipped away in an effort to self preserve.

I realize that by telling myself I needed healing that I created more distance from those aspects of myself still fragmented.

something happened. my adult mind tells me it already happened, so i can accept it. but the little girl who I locked in a box, is still having that moment of panic. I locked myself in that moment, not realizing how hard it would be to reconnect with her.

I am identifying this as an original trauma, but I honestly dont know how many more boxs I have hiding in my metaphysical body. I know where this memory is stored. I can feel it, pulling me into a fetal position. I have been looking for her for so long, like a missing child is looked for by their mother. frantic, not willing to believe she is gone. and now I found her, and I dont know how to bring her back. it hurts so much...

how can I have this experience? I cannot be both mother to my real daughter, and experience whatever I am experiencing as that fractured part of myself(not to mention my duty as female adult). I need space to be alone, but my environment just doesn't allow aloneness. it is "unsafe" and i would "worry and inconvenience them". proof, as I am holding back tears and overwhelming grief, my kid who I love dearly keeps running up to me wide eyed and smiling to tell me of her minecraft experience about every other sentence. I cannot immerse myself into this experience, but my soul is dying from the pain of holding her locked in hell. it is hell. a prison of self hate, pain. it is a bad place, and to force a child to spend years there is cruel. my neglect of myself is nothing less than cruel. and I cant do a damn thing about it.

I have to make dinner now and make peace with my choices. when the time is right, the memory will resolve. I cannot be so acutely aware and yet be unable to let go. patience. kind thoughts.

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Dear @greyswan. Thank you for sharing this. Your story has touched my heart very deeply. I could have written this myself. I just want to let you know i think it's amazing that after everything you have gone through and everything that you feel, you're an incredible and wonderful person just the way you are.

Hugs and love ❤

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I have wondered this...when do you know you have resolved a trauma for good? That it wont repeat when you get out in the world.

A trauma can only truly be resolved when the root cause has been present with so how does that feel when you have reached such a root?  

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thank you for supporting me @Garnet. Its so comforting to be able to put these feelings into words and not be ridiculed... Teals interview video yesterday really touched me. This summer has touched me lol. I feel raw and wonderful. I cant hold onto the guilt of hiding my inner child.

@Jerry Tyfting my guess is that when all the trauma is resolved that you can talk about each event without the feeling of having your heart ripped out. I dont know if that is possible though...

this root cause remains buried. I hold the memory in my psoas muscle, in my hips and pelvis. I just have to hold off my feeling of grief until I have time to delve into myself. I am not willing to meditate, find her, then get interrupted and have to keep  her locked up. I know this is an abstract idea, that I have a girl hidden in a box in my pelvis. but it feels so real to me that way. quite literal.

again thank you. <3 you all know how it feels to keep this in. to hold the pain in solitude because there is not a safe outlet.

 

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@greyswan i wish for you to make peace with your past, so you don't  miss out what's ahead for you. I believe that children  give us  opportunity to re-live our own childhood the way we've always wanted. You can be a child and an adult at the same time ❤

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whew good update today. I have been meditating as often as possible, mostly on this topic, for a while now. Just kind of being consistent and honest with myself. learning and accepting. Today I did a tarot reading for myself, which was great fun, and it gave me some excellent insight into how to go about integrating my inner child back into my person. I can go into that if anyone wants, but I was meditating on what the cards told me, when I had this feeling like everyone was mad at me. my inner voice(s) were just so nasty sounding! and I realized I hadn't felt this in a long time, but I had felt it before. when I went to ask when I had heard or felt that first I got this image of a deep crevice with a small voice echoing out the scary mean words, but from close up the threat was obviously a deterrent, not a real threat, not real anger. I believe that voice was that of my inner child. The crevice began to shrink as I observed it, bringing the bottom closer until it was smooth and no longer deep, merely a ripple on what I realized were my own lady parts. As I was reintegrating this crevice that had swallowed my inner child, I realized I was reintroducing consciousness into my body. I am realizing that the leftover pain, that i attributed to fibromyalgia, are muscles that have been healed in fight or flight tension readiness for years and years and years. my body is tired and is supremely ready to relax.

thank you all for making this a safe place to express this. I really appreciate it. <3

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Ok, this is a crazy idea....but is it possible maybe to include your (real-life) child?  A big reason to become integrated in ourselves is to be the best parent we can be to our current (or future) children.  Like Teal said; even the best parent can"t shelter their child from the experience of trauma in this life.  So what if you modeled for her what to do when that happens?  

After that, maybe you communicate with her and can set aside a time where thats your time to do the completion process work, and during that time, Mommy is going to be in the bathroom.  And then when thats over, Mommy cant wait to hear about ALL the wonderful things that happened on Minecraft.  Learning how to harness our feelings when people arent available is also an important skill.   Maybe you can ask her, during that time, anything she wants to tell you or ask  you, have her write it down.  

Maybe you can even turn it into something where SHE gets an "appointment" with you later on, and during that time, she gets your 100% undivited attention to talk about anything and everything she wants.  IDK thats just one idea......and I dont know your daughter, or your relationship.   But I DO know that kids can handle a lot more than we often think, and they have a VERY strong sense of wanting to contribute.  Allowing her to give to you in this way, and to be transparent about YOUR journey of healing and self improvement, and treating her like shes a helper to you in this----its hard for me to imagine how that would be bad for a kid.  

Ok, this is a crazy idea....but is it possible maybe to include your (real-life) child?  A big reason to become integrated in ourselves is to be the best parent we can be to our current (or future) children.  Like Teal said; even the best parent can"t shelter their child from the experience of trauma in this life.  So what if you modeled for her what to do when that happens?  

After that, maybe you communicate with her and can set aside a time where thats your time to do the completion process work, and during that time, Mommy is going to be in the bathroom.  And then when thats over, Mommy cant wait to hear about ALL the wonderful things that happened on Minecraft.  Learning how to harness our feelings when people arent available is also an important skill.   Maybe you can ask her, during that time, anything she wants to tell you or ask  you, have her write it down.  

Maybe you can even turn it into something where SHE gets an "appointment" with you later on, and during that time, she gets your 100% undivited attention to talk about anything and everything she wants.  IDK thats just one idea......and I dont know your daughter, or your relationship.   But I DO know that kids can handle a lot more than we often think, and they have a VERY strong sense of wanting to contribute.  Allowing her to give to you in this way, and to be transparent about YOUR journey of healing and self improvement, and treating her like shes a helper to you in this----its hard for me to imagine how that would be bad for a kid.  

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20 hours ago, WildSage said:

Ok, this is a crazy idea....but is it possible maybe to include your (real-life) child?  A big reason to become integrated in ourselves is to be the best parent we can be to our current (or future) children.  Like Teal said; even the best parent can"t shelter their child from the experience of trauma in this life.  So what if you modeled for her what to do when that happens?  

After that, maybe you communicate with her and can set aside a time where thats your time to do the completion process work, and during that time, Mommy is going to be in the bathroom.  And then when thats over, Mommy cant wait to hear about ALL the wonderful things that happened on Minecraft.  Learning how to harness our feelings when people arent available is also an important skill.   Maybe you can ask her, during that time, anything she wants to tell you or ask  you, have her write it down.  

Maybe you can even turn it into something where SHE gets an "appointment" with you later on, and during that time, she gets your 100% undivited attention to talk about anything and everything she wants.  IDK thats just one idea......and I dont know your daughter, or your relationship.   But I DO know that kids can handle a lot more than we often think, and they have a VERY strong sense of wanting to contribute.  Allowing her to give to you in this way, and to be transparent about YOUR journey of healing and self improvement, and treating her like shes a helper to you in this----its hard for me to imagine how that would be bad for a kid.  

took me a while to know how to respond to this. at first I was super sad, feeling like I was keeping her out of my life and not sharing my experiences with her. I felt really overwhelmed with self doubt, until I meditated and showered and really thought about this situation thoroughly.

 I keep my kiddo well informed, she knows more about metaphysical truths and reality that isnt what is being sold on tv, she has an understanding of global politics, an understanding of basic economic policy, is able to reason and speak with me at any time, about any topic she wants to bring up, school academics, extradimentional questions, body concerns, sexual contact with other humans, imaginative stories, anything. me and her have what I consider to be a fantastic relationship. That is not to say perfect, or that I actually know what I am doing, but I think for the most part I am successful at being a honest guide for her, helping her shape who she wants to become in this world.

that being said, as a mother, I do not believe sharing with her my own process of healing from sexual abuse as a child is beneficial for her, in any way. she has not been abused in that way, so bringing up this topic in detail would only lead to trauma in itself. She is not emotionally capable of handling this, as I was unable to as a child. So I appreciate your idea, and I agree completely that keeping a child informed and in the loop is vital to raising a healthy adaptive person. 

I realize I was nonspecific as to what sort of trauma had occurred. I am not normally used to sharing such personal stories. The reason I do not involve my child is because she does not need to know exactly how many times I was raped, by who, or with what. Those are the things being brought up by my past and reintegration of my inner child. it is explicit, and frakly horrifying. I am surprised regularly at how "normal" I am, with what has happened. These are not things to be shared with a 7 year old girl, any more than you would play graphic porn for a young child.

also, just an fyi, my withoholding tear face has been in use most of my life. im not like sobbing in front of her with no explanation. I do my best to share my feelings, even if its only a I am not feeling well to day. she doesnt normally want to listen to me lecture anyway lol

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Thank you for sharing your story, @greyswan .  I love reading about how you are being guided by your intuition to know how to go about integrating your inner child and heal the present you.  Please continue to share your journey with us.

Sending you lots of love and support.

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Beautiful. 

I just wanted to say, as a side note, that you might enjoy playing Minecraft with your daughter... It's a really fun open ended game. I know this is somewhat straying from the topic at hand but in my life personally I've found that sometimes doing something fun helps me integrate trauma further than if I was soley focused on the things that happened to me. So long as you're not avoiding the trauma altogether, I think play is the best way to get in touch with your inner child and show them that you are in a safe place to be whoever they want. <3

Either way though, you've gotta take a look at what she's made on there, it's certain to take your mind off of such heavy things for a moment. It's nice to be reminded that no matter what is happening in your life, you can create something beautiful.

Also... You don't need to be too specific about what happened when talking with your daughter. Just let her know that some really sad things happened to you that someday you will be able to talk about without feeling worse but that day is not today.. But that your pain has nothing to do with her. Or something like that. I'm sure she is able to pick up at least somewhat on your distance and a little bit of an explanation would be better than nothing...

Hope you are doing well and taking care of yourself. <3

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