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  2. We are all endowed with lots of power, when you think a critical thought towards another being it does afflict them, even if no one sees. Why chase answers from a guru if you feel the need to be skeptic of the teacher. Well that's just who you are right now. It's ok we are ALL doing the absolute best that we can at every moment. Teal is doing the best she can at any given moment. Trillions upon trillions of alignments all manifesting in the moment strongest vibe wins the moment. Its what's there in the physical for all to see. So basically if all of the skeptics are in a room with teal they will be tearing her up because she is 1 and they are many. Same thing happened to Jesus. He tried to perform a miracle in his home town and the skeptics doubted, jesus marveled in their lack of faith, then they exploited him. He was just like any other human all the same abilities. He just knew it and they didn't know. We are all gods. If you feel your godly duty is nitpicking praise be to you. Her arms were folded omg lol someone looked toward her lol wordy wordy wordy. Thank you.
  3. Today
  4. Everything is going exactly as it should. Be courageous. Your fear and courage are friends. Your courage helps your fear feel safe. Love your fear and your courage. You need them both they are both a part of you. Everything you do is truly right. It's what you did, it's been lived now, good job creating a new experience that hadn't been lived. You are unique so are they. They are doing everything truly right, they are living an experience that was only known as possible but now is reality. They deserve all credits for their portion. All ways must be lived and more ways to live keep being created thru desire and then lived and on and on and on. Be grateful that you will always live and continue to have new experiences infinitely.
  5. If you are a sin eater it happens continuously. No need to think about it by force. It will just happen. You will clean the space with your presence it's what you do.
  6. There are a actually trillions of entities inside of every being. Trillions of beings inside you. It's hard to conceptualize. Just be welcoming you are the leader of your universe even when it doesn't feel like it. All beings serve each other. Those beings are serving you. Everything is serving you that's what all their intentions are. You are always serving others to. You do your portion always. Even when you think you're being mean you are serving someone. It's all going to be ok. Just live. That's what we are here to do. Let it be just that simple. You are safe.
  7. You have no obligations of any kind. If you desire hair and have a way of giving it to yourself why not. Feeling good is nice. Just let yourself be and do what you feel like.
  8. Yesterday
  9. Does anyone know the music being played at the end?
  10. Merci pour les mots qui viennent du coeur. 💜
  11. Come here baby :)))
  12. Maybe your ultimate workshop :P Maybe you dont like her coping mechanism, makes you cringe. I would have also felt the same some time ago, i had an aspect despise her now, but i see her pain. It's just a defense mechanism, we dont know any differently, why we go to Teal for gods sake :))) Also, it's her, you are maybe also reflecting her, it's her, she doesnt feel comfortable in her own skin, see... its the self hate and all that, what makes HER cringe too... :**
  13. Thank you Ale for these very deep and important insights.I will read this several times ,a lot to ponder on. Bless you and dear Teal . lOTS OF LOVE .
  14. Ale, I can feel the immense pain in this and am happy for all the new insights coming in from it. I feel so personally connected with you all, and being the empath I am, I have been “feeling” a lot of the strife you’ve mentioned within the inner circle, even from afar. It’s hard to care so much for you all and to feel powerless to be able to reach out to offer support because of the fame bubble that protects you. Please know, that there are people out here following your journey, who care, and are tuning in deeply to you even though you are far away. I have personally shared several intimate experiences with you that have been life changing and regardless of the things that are coming up in you that you may see as negative, you seem very committed to healing them and learning. That’s all that there is, that willlingness is beautiful. I didn’t take my role as an attendee at your wedding lightly. I love you guys so much and just want you to know that no matter what peaks or valleys your relationship may take, I am here. Please feel the blanket of love I’m wrapping you all in. 🙏🏻❤️🙏🏻
  15. All I can say is thank you for reflecting this to me. Of course I want to believe in certain ideals again. I'm glad I put my honest raw thoughts about this though, rather than pretend I see women as more than pieces of meat by default. I'm fully aware that I'm way more fucked up than I realize. I even know some of the places I picked up these mentalities (porn addiction, past negative experiences with women, observing breakups, divorces, and failed marraiges). I'm in the process of adopting new beliefs and mindsets that serve myself and others better, but I'll always be honest about how I feel, no matter how fucked up. Edit: Hey wait a second, I don't actually believe women are just pieces of meat. I do however believe that they're sexual beings. Furthermore, of course I know it's not all about me (after all there is no separation). Didn't I say I want to give the gift of orgasms? I'm very serious about that. My first priority in sex is to GIVE first. Even if she's hellishly ugly I'll make her cum if it's the last thing I do!
  16. Healing Most of us on the spiritual path say that we are after awakening, the end of our suffering, reaching transcendental states, understanding the nature of reality or coming face-to-face with God. These are big words that our ego loves to share with other spiritual seekers. But we can make it much more simple. Aren’t we just looking for healing so that we can live a happier life? What is healing? Healing is to become whole again. The traumas we experienced in our life, especially the ones from childhood have fragmented us. As a result we feel a void, which is a constant feeling that something is missing. We have created personalities, altars, coping mechanisms to deal with our fears and our lack of emotional nourishment. These fragments have separated us from our true essence that is love and connection. Our spiritual journey is about peeling all these layers so that we can reunite with our true essence. When we are in a state of complete openness and vulnerability, we can get deeply hurt so this is why we have developed all these inner walls. Until I got exposed to Teal’s teaching, my spiritual journey was all about feeling good and succeeding. I saw my progress on the spiritual path as my ability not to feel or experience any negative emotions such as anger, disappointment, depression, frustration, hate, conceit, envy, guilt, anxiety or shame. I was only fine with sadness because of my French background. We, the French, are very fond of desperate and sad love stories and you will notice our movies rarely have a happy end. So I used spirituality to repress most of my negative emotions and instead of coming closer to my essence, I was going further away from it. My practice of spirituality was making me more fragmented instead of whole. We all know this famous sentence in the gospel of Matthew from the bible “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven”. Contrary to this advice, I was developing strong and effective adult personalities while I buried the pain of my inner children. It seemed to work on the outside as I created a successful career, improved my ability to manage my emotional states or conflict, almost never felt out of control though my relationships lacked intimacy. I realize now that I had shut down my inner guidance system through spiritual fragmentation and the best of intent. I was not feeling these emotions, not because I had transmuted them but because I had buried them deep into my subconscious as I had selectively identified with my transcendental self. The law of attraction will however reflect back to you what you have repressed. I became a match to one of the most painful ordeal a father can experience: parental alienation and I effectively lost my two children. They reflected on the outside the loss of my own lost inner children on the inside. On a positive note, I am convinced that I bring back my children in my life by reversing this process through increased awareness of my repressed parts and owning the shame associated with each one. Along the same lines, you will often see a trail of tears near spiritual teachers who have selectively identified with their divine self and buried the unacceptable ones. Sathya Sai Baba, Robert Earl Burton, Baba Muktananda, Swami Nithyananda are such examples but there are so many more that are just wolves in sheep clothing. They all started with the best of intention and their light side and spiritual abilities were undeniable. They had not conquered however some of darker desires in particular in the field of sexuality. They repressed it until they could not anymore, and became the slave of their own addictive patterns, which has hurt millions. This is why brutal honestly about oneself and authenticity is so critical in this path. Many teachers have claimed they have found a magic bullet to heal that does not involve pain. EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), giving your life to Christ, taking pharmaceutical pills or being blessed by a saint like Amma are such attempts. My experience has been different unless these practices come with deep emotional transformation. It is first about experiencing the deep pain of our condition, past traumas with full awareness, reliving the difficult memories and this experience is often both excruciating and unpleasant. Our body plays a unique role in this process of healing. These emotions need to be experienced in the body as sensations rather than thoughts in the mental sphere for genuine healing to occur. The more relaxed our body, the slower our breath can be as we go through this internal torment, the more profound the healing will be. Sitting with mindfulness and experiencing our raw emotions physically is critical. Healing is a lot about creating a safe container for our hurt parts to emerge without shame. In addition to presence and stillness, I have found that kindness is critical to the container. Kindness is what prevents shame to emerge so that these hurt and repressed parts of ourselves can surface in a vulnerable, open and non-judgmental way. After the initial grueling phase of making space for our painful feelings and emotions, true healing comes from receiving the missing experience that came from this increased awareness. Ideally, other people in your life will meet this missing need. For example, the missing need could have been to be taken care of, and be loved unconditionally. If this is not feasible with your current situation, it is then up to you to create the environment you need for your own healing. For example, to heal from her childhood abuse and the ostracization she experienced, Teal needs containment with love & safety, to be seen, cherished and cared for. On my side, to heal the neglect and isolation from my childhood, I need to be pulled, wanted and to be loved and mirrored for who I am. Through this experience with others, we will heal our unresolved fragments into an integrated self. I also realize that I developed an addiction to stress, adrenaline and risk not to face my shadows. Living on the edge was helping me not to face my inner void. After I transitioned out of my software company, I felt it was very hard for me to slow down. Doing and “working hard” had been a coping mechanism not to experience difficult inner feelings. We live in a society where feeling good is our priority, not authenticity or human connection. This is why our society is riddled with addiction. Activities are actually only meaningful if they are associated with a connection of some kind. Next time you are doing something mundane and on the surface unimportant, look for meaning. You are making this dinner for bringing the family together and have interesting discussions. You are washing the dishes to support overworked family members so that they can feel more supported emotionally. You are picking-up a friend at the airport to make them feel cared for. You are helping your child with his homework so that he feels owned and cared for. You are going to the gym to be more energized, healthier and prettier for the benefit of yourself and your close ones. I am learning to slow down and finding meaning in the small things of life instead of the risky challenges that put me on the edge. Many of us think we have healed aspects of ourselves when this has not been the case. There is a way for all of us to stay honest with the following test. If you have actually healed a fragment, you will help other people to feel better in this area otherwise you will keep creating pain. Let me give you a couple of examples. Example 1 (negative): I see myself at times not being emotionally available to Winter, Teal’s son because I have not healed the pain of separation with my children. If I had, it would be effortless doing things to make his life better. Example 2 (positive): I have healed the scarcity mentality of the family I was born into. It is natural for me to help my closed ones to live more abundantly. Example 3 (negative): I have not fully healed the shame related to my self-concept. I get sometimes defensive or I deflect back when people give me personal feedback or I feel ganged up against. So I create pain onto others by pointing out what is wrong with them instead of taking advantage of the feedback. Example 4 (positive): I have healed the part of me that is feeling powerless with others. When someone gets triggered and is overwhelmed with strong emotions, I can create a safe container to validate and help them emotionally regulate with patience and understanding instead of reacting. If this were not the case, I would just escalate the argument further instead. I encourage you to use this test to see if you have truly heal a fragment or not. This will keep you honest. Ultimately, our external life is a perfect mirror of our inner world. It takes a lot of bravery to adopt this belief. Self-love as a fraud? I have often observed in spiritual circles individuals stating that all they want more self-love. In most cases, what I see is individuals wanting and needing to be loved by others but felt this is impossible. Sometimes, because they feel they are unlovable due to childhood trauma, other times, they are afraid to get hurt again by getting close to someone special. So they have repressed this deep need to be loved by others. They would only allow themselves or God to love them. Everything else feels too unsafe. Why are most spiritual people like us so damaged? If we had not been damaged, we would not have to look for a world outside of this physical reality, a spiritual reality that feels better than this world. We have used spirituality to escape our world and the pain of our life. We can now complete the process of healing by using everything we have learned and apply it to our relationships. This is the healing that the earth needs. Bringing the wisdom to our higher self into this material reality is what we are meant to do. To live a happy life, we have many needs to fulfill but the most important one of all is to enjoy a safe & secure relationship, and to belong to a family where we take care of each other, grow, love and be loved. Life is made first and foremost of relationships. This is why our accomplishments fade away quickly while we remember our meaningful connections with someone far after this loved one has passed away. Parenting Raising a child is probably the most important and the most difficult thing we will ever do. I see how I have passed on to my children many of my own traumas. Now, I can see I am only faced with two choices. With the first one, I will expect my children to back-up some of my own dysfunctional behaviors and life decisions even if they were done to their detriment for the sake of feeling good about myself. In exchange, they will get belonging, which is synonymous to safety for a child. For example, it could read like “Papa was so busy to make money for the family” to justify the lack of quality time I had with them. “Papa really deserves to be happy” to justify my leaving them. “Papa had so much responsibility on his shoulders that he was very stressed” to justify my lack of connection even where we were together. “I was lucky I had such good parents” when we actually passed on so many traumas to them. With this approach, we feel good about ourselves but we actually damage our own grandchildren, the children of our children. The only way for our children to make what we have done OK is for them to become like us so they will then continue the cycle of pain to their own children. The second choice is difficult and requires a lot of courage, but it is the only loving one to the future generations. We need to own our shame and be brutally honest with our children of all the times we have failed them. We need to share our regrets in a sincere and authentic way so that they have a chance to learn from our mistakes and live a more integrated life. We have to trust them they will be able to learn from our mistakes, and as such they will become our expansion, living the life we wished we had lived. When we are abused as a child and did not receive the nurturing or care that is so important to a healthy development, the child in us is incapable of making his parents responsible for the emotional damage. Our parents are like God and if they are not perfect, it means we are completely unsafe as we are dependent upon them. As a result, we make ourselves bad as it feels safer. We believe we deserved the painful treatment because we were bad. We carry immense shame of being bad. This is why when a parent can own their mistakes and weaknesses, we free our children from the belief that they are bad, and support them to live a more fulfilling life. Sociopathy Teal and I watched recently together the 1995 movie Rob Roy with Liam Neeson. Tim Roth plays the role of Archibald Cunningham, the villain of the movie. Archibald is a Machiavellian sociopath and people are just objects in his reality. Teal compared his energy to mine and I felt badly triggered. How can she compare me with this psychopath? I am a good guy! Anyway, there was no way out so I had to own my shame. Archibald is a bastard in the movie. He had a fling with a young woman who was madly in love with her. She gets pregnant and he abandons her. In her despair, feeling heart-broken and carrying the bastard of a bastard, she hangs herself. Interestingly enough, my dad holds a lot of shame of being a bastard himself. He was an absent father to me and never gave me the ownership I desperately needed from him. Though he was sometimes around and he recognized me, he made me emotionally a bastard, as he never healed his wound about being a bastard himself. The movie made me realize that sociopaths are hurting other people as an indirect attempt for connection as they feel they can only get connected to people that can feel the pain they are repressing. Sociopaths and psychopaths feel so isolated and disconnected from their own pain that they need to externalize their own torment into the suffering of others. They get a high this way and it is very addictive as it is the only time they feel alive through connection. This aspect is very common with people with absent father figures and overstressed mothers. This is an extremely difficult upbringing for a child. We fragment to become the parentified child that our mother desperately needs so we actually become the abandoned wife’s husband at a very young age. I believe that our aspiration to enlightenment and merging to our transcendental self comes partly from the pain coming from this upbringing. We were never owned as children so we are seeking God to finally belong. This is the pain that many cults use in order to recruit us. Co-dependency The work on my co-dependency has been a life long journey, and this endeavor has accelerated since sharing my life with a conscious woman. I can see now that the co-dependent builds rapport through opposition. The co-dependent has a different story for every person in order to be a people pleaser. He will tell you exactly when you want to hear to look good, to build rapport with you at the detriment of the person in the conversation. He will do the same with the person in the conversation at your detriment. These people will resent each other as a result. The co-dependent does not understand why there is so much drama and conflict in his life while he is just a good guy, and trying to help everyone! He does not understand that he is the one creating conflict by playing sides against each other and building rapport through a common enemy. Let me give you some examples. My dad would visit rarely my sister and I after the divorce and explained to us how his wife would make things so difficult for him to fly, that he wanted to visit more often but it was not possible because of her neurosis. When he would come back to his wife, he would dwell on his pain on visiting us, and how difficult we were with him, that he did not feel he belonged with us and that she and their new son was his true family. So of course, my stepmom and I resented each other as we thought the other was hurting my poor dad or husband. We saw each other as the reason why we could not have him fully while it was completely his own doing! One of our community member is very close to Teal and also engaged another lady who adores Teal. He makes her girlfriend feel he cannot fully present to her because of commitment he has towards Teal. He makes Teal insecure that telling her that he cannot be really for her because his relationship to his fiancée is the most important thing to him. As a result, two ladies that really adored each other feel now feel threatened with one another. I am also guilty to have played the same codependent game with my company executives in the past. A VP would come in my office complaining about the behavior of another executive that they would consider bossy, disrespectful and unprofessional. I would empathize with her and would confirm the flaws she had noticed in him. Then the other executive would stop by my office complaining about the immaturity and lack of experience about the first one. I would validate the same way, happy to get rapport through opposition. I felt good and important as the rescuer. However I was undermining my management team spirit and cohesion. Then I was acting surprised why these grown-up executive cannot get along and keep fighting! Overtime, they lost trust with me as they could feel my lack of authenticity. Final words Sharing my life with Teal has brought me so much awareness. I am so grateful that she has accelerated my spiritual journey. I will hold a workshop at Philia at the end of June on creating your dream life by healing the relationships in your life. The truth is that ultimate healing will come through relationships, and real integration will be reflected by supportive and loving relationships. Our passage on earth will be judged by the quality of our relationships alone, and this also includes our relationship with animals, plants, our environment and everything we come into contact with. This workshop is for anyone, man or woman, single or attached, that have relationships to heal and believes in the power of healing through soul retrieval, intimacy and authenticity. We will use advanced tools that were developed by Teal that actually affect the fabric of reality so that you can fully transform your life for the better. As you are a premium content user and took the time to read this blog in this entirety, I would be happy to offer you a $150 discount to the workshop by using the discount code "15JULY".
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  18. I agree, the last women, she sort of forced herself up there. I don't know why but I had a really hard time watching it as well. very uncomfortable.
  19. I like what Brene Brown said about boundaries and trust. Boundaries is one of the components of trust. -I won’t be able to trust you if you won’t respect my boundaries. And if I won’t respect my own boundaries then you can’t trust me. So setting and respecting boundaries is really important. But here is a related thought: walls are bad. Walls keep us separate... keep us from connection. We should let the walls down to experience connection. On the other hand boundaries need to be respected otherwise we can’t trust each other. So what is the difference between a boundary and a wall? I think each person might have to figure that out for themselves.
  20. What's the best song to serenade her? Two weeks from now, my wife and I will be celebrating our first anniversary. I’m thinking about preparing for a dinner date, which many couple loves, it’s also very romantic. While looking for some suggestions for our dinner date, I saw this foreign date live which suggested on doing a serenade for our partners. That was actually a good idea. It’s my edge also since I like playing the guitar. Now tell me, what’s the best song to serenade her?
  21. Hitting my fourth travel to the Philippines Later this month, I’m going to visit the Philippines for the fourth time. This time, I’ll be with my two friends. We decided to join the dating tours organized in the Philippines. Aside from touring the country we also get the chance to meet some women for date. This is a big break for us actually. All of us are single and I think it’s time for us to be in a relationship! What do you guys think about it? Is this dating tour a great help for us? I mean, if we get a girl in that event we will have our own personal guide. Would that be a great idea? Thanks!
  22. Hitting my fourth travel to the Philippines Later this month, I’m going to visit the Philippines for the fourth time. This time, I’ll be with my two friends. We decided to join the dating tours organized in the Philippines. Aside from touring the country we also get the chance to meet some women for date. This is a big break for us actually. All of us are single and I think it’s time for us to be in a relationship! What do you guys think about it? Is this dating tour a great help for us? I mean, if we get a girl in that event we will have our own personal guide. Would that be a great idea? Thanks!
  23. Maybe someone out there has the ultimate answers to life, the universe and everything but everyone I have talked to may have some good ideas but nobody I’ve met has all the answers. And I know I don’t. So maybe someday mankind will have all the answers. Until then, I think we have to live life, explore, try new things, find people to do them with. However, we need to have respect for other people’s boundaries and for our own boundaries.
  24. Moved to our new house Hi all, It is going to be a new beginning in my life. We have shifted to our new house at Halifax. My husband got a new job here. He joined the new company last week. We got settled into our new house comfortably. We have updated the address and checked the street number and verified our shifting to the new house. Everything is fine. Our new house is small, yet convenient for two people to survive. I want to decorate my home to make it look trendy. Can you share some ideas to decorate the house? Most of the furniture we have at home is old, especially the couch, dinette, and the chairs. I want to buy new furniture. I am looking for the best furniture shops in Halifax. Can you suggest a few?
  25. Hello everyone Hello everyone. I am a newbie to this forum. Happy to be a part of this forum.
  26. Day 170 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? Accept healing nightmares. I went to a social gathering for the first time in months. It was a group of four of us raw vegans sharing our stories about fasts and cleanses, opinions on popular fruitarians in social media. It was so amazing to forget about how I am a feeling and how worried I am for two straight hours. Between us there was so much knowlege in the room that I just kept asking questions. I hope I didn't dominate the conversation, but I was blissed out by the company, let alone the amazing food. I ate fat for the first time in a long time too. It's probably because I know what a delicate state I'm in, but I didn't feel the need to over indulge. When I eat fat I get nightmares. What's coming up for me in this stage of cleansing is inappropriate sexual behavior from my father that has become glaringly obvious to me since I have made some improvement in my self esteem. The fat induced nightmare that followed was about being groped. I was tired and wanted to lay down but an overweight Albanian man was trying to feel me up. I went to a different bed, or came back at a different time of night, but my boundaries kept getting violated by horny guys who had zero respect for me. After a while I went to lay on the couch to finally pass out since a bed was not an option. Three feet in front of me is another girl trying to sleep on the floor. She's looking right at me as these hands come over me and start groping my breasts. I'm in this state of agonizing paralysis despite fighting to break free. Oblivious to the terror in my eyes, and what I think is my mouth agape expelling this immense effort to scream, she looked right through me. No sound was coming out of my mouth. Nothing. I don't even know if she could see me struggling. In these moments of true powerlessness I'm wondering if she's even smart enough to see these are not my arms; surely she knows. I'm left alone in my terror observing her until I finally wake up. My father's abuse was so much more covert than this dream. According to my sister's effort to confide in my mother and save me from him, groping happened when I was very young, not when I could communicate effectively. He's an intelligent man. I remember at 15 I came home from school and walked in on him jacking off in the living room. He didn't even stop when he saw me. Upon confrontation of my 'inappropriate reaction' he boasted, 'Who are the cops going to believe a troubled teen or a adult?' I think this was the blow out fight that led me to go live in a storm drain to get away from him. Within a short time I was calling the cops for a different reason after having extremely blurry lines of rape with with a 24 year old. A hundred yards or so from my drain, he took me to a dirty mattress, on the ground and women's clothing tossed amongst beer bottles, garbage and drug paraphernalia. I knew if I fought him it was going to be a loosing struggle that would prove physically and emotionally painful, so I'm not proud to say, I didn't fight him. It's my many experiences of total naivety when I put myself in sexually dangerous situations that I am reminded of the girl in my dream laying on the floor watching me. I think she is me before I became self aware, and despite being strong, was still largely unaware of the many ways I was being manipulated and taken advantage of by my father and other men. The time this incident happened was about the age of the girl watching me in my dream.
  27. Day 170 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? Accept healing nightmares.

    I went to a social gathering for the first time in months. It was a group of four of us raw vegans sharing our stories about fasts and cleanses, opinions on popular fruitarians in social media. It was so amazing to forget about how I am a feeling and how worried I am for two straight hours. Between us there was so much knowlege in the room that I just kept asking questions. I hope I didn't dominate the conversation, but I was blissed out by the company, let alone the amazing food. I ate fat for the first time in a long time too. It's probably because I know what a delicate state I'm in, but I didn't feel the need to over indulge. When I eat fat I get nightmares.

    What's coming up for me in this stage of cleansing is inappropriate sexual behavior from my father that has become glaringly obvious to me since I have made some improvement in my self esteem. The fat induced nightmare that followed was about being groped. I was tired and wanted to lay down but an overweight Albanian man was trying to feel me up. I went to a different bed, or came back at a different time of night, but my boundaries kept getting violated by horny guys who had zero respect for me. After a while I went to lay on the couch to finally pass out since a bed was not an option. Three feet in front of me is another girl trying to sleep on the floor. She's looking right at me as these hands come over me and start groping my breasts. I'm in this state of agonizing paralysis despite fighting to break free. Oblivious to the terror in my eyes, and what I think is my mouth agape expelling this immense effort to scream, she looked right through me. No sound was coming out of my mouth. Nothing. I don't even know if she could see me struggling. In these moments of true powerlessness I'm wondering if she's even smart enough to see these are not my arms; surely she knows. I'm left alone in my terror observing her until I finally wake up.

    My father's abuse was so much more covert than this dream. According to my sister's effort to confide in my mother and save me from him, groping happened when I was very young, not when I could communicate effectively. He's an intelligent man. I remember at 15 I came home from school and walked in on him jacking off in the living room. He didn't even stop when he saw me. Upon confrontation of my 'inappropriate reaction' he boasted, 'Who are the cops going to believe a troubled teen or a adult?' I think this was the blow out fight that led me to go live in a storm drain to get away from him. Within a short time I was calling the cops for a different reason after having extremely blurry lines of rape with with a 24 year old. A hundred yards or so from my drain, he took me to a dirty mattress, on the ground and women's clothing tossed amongst beer bottles, garbage and drug paraphernalia. I knew if I fought him it was going to be a loosing struggle that would prove physically and emotionally painful, so I'm not proud to say, I didn't fight him. It's my many experiences of total naivety when I put myself in sexually dangerous situations that I am reminded of the girl in my dream laying on the floor watching me. I think she is me before I became self aware, and despite being strong, was still largely unaware of the many ways I was being manipulated and taken advantage of by my father and other men. The time this incident happened was about the age of the girl watching me in my dream.

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    1. Pastor George

      Pastor George

      Having been used as a sex object at a young age causes us to believe that if we want to be attractive we must be willing to be exploited. Not true. The two are separate and exclusive. Arousal is a physical state that results from stimulation, physical and emotional. Exploitation is a feeling of powerlessness brought on by being used by others for their arousal without any consideration for your feelings. Forgive yourself! You did nothing wrong even when you chose to allow it to happen. Forgive the abuse as the unfeeling actions of an unwell, self absorbed and sick selfish individual. you have the power to choose your own sensuality. It's ok to be aroused, it's ok to desire physical stimulation and release! You choose what satisfies you and whether you let it be dominating or submissive see yourself as having the power to choose. What your Father and other abusers did was not OK and not your fault. That's between them and their God, between them and the universe. Let it go, you did nothing wrong! Let them go, they are not in charge of your feelings, you are. You have all the power of the universe at your disposal. Use it to rise above the hurt and pain and be the beautiful, powerful, sensuous person that you are. Be Blessed!

  28. While reading I forgot to breath. My birth experience wasnt by fae as bad as yours, but it was still very traumatizing. I am feeling soo angry at the cruel nurse and doctors who scared you during your pregnancy. I am so so sorry that you went through this shit. Soo sorry and angry that we women are being denied natural birth experience. I love you.
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