Ask Yourself...

Being silent for most of my life.

My terrible looks and lack of talent and social skills. 

My feeling of worthlessness and unsafety

For my lack of scientific or spiritual knowledge -> for feeling like my opinion is invalid 

for the feeling of being behind in life, not "succeeding" in the way others and to a degree I myself expect it; for the feeling that im never going to get to a place of satisfaction or more...

Trying so hard to reject my sexuality that I am trying to become like a man and like a "saint"

Doing masculine things because there is no man around to help and support and protect me.

Being masculine because................ I've chosen to hate my femininity.....~~~~ as a coping mechanism?...........

Becaaause I'm scareeeeeeeed people will think I'm insane. My femininity is like a black hole, soo wild and kaleidoscopic......

Edited March 10, 20215 yr by Mirosława

I overcompensate for the pain of rejection in my childhood by trying to be all things to all people. I overcompensate for the rejection of my femininity by becoming hyper feminine. I overcompensate for feeling and being invisible my whole life by being loud and outspoken.

I overcompensate with finding meaning in almost all things+beings as I used to be someone who didn't pay attention at all to signs and circumstances. This happens at the expense of ease and lightness, everything becomes serious and potentially important.

Feeling broken. I try so hard because the idea that I am broken, that there is something wrong with me no matter what I do, or don't, is extremely painful. I got the message that there was something wrong with me constantly growing up, and I still get that reflection from time to time and I got it stuck in my habitual thinking that I need to be better, different than I am to have a semblance of acceptance, which actually is more like tolerance, not acceptance or inclusion. I am constantly wanting to be seen as good enough, as okay, as at least putting effort towards improving. I really appreciate this space to answer these questions, it's assisting me in gaining a lot of clarity.

My resistence

Being the baby in the family and the “favorite” and not being able to excel in school and not wanting to be there. A lot was given materialistically, and how I was seen and represent the family was always a theme.  Insecurities about my self worth and being approved of.  Picking an overtly narcissistic partner to have a child with and the fallout, and overcompensating in guilt for what happened with our son, and taking on my own behaviors and patterns to heal while blaming myself for my own codependency and being selfish.  Constantly feeling like I have to fix myself.  

Unfulfilled false desires.

Giving up upon trying to have my needs met. Holding myself accountable for things wich are not my responsibility. Instead of actually being empowered and responsible. Im afraid of failure or pain, and have anxiety, so I have these days where I binge watch Teals Videos.

Growing up poor. Being fat. 

I overcompensate in order to avoid acceptance. 

Trying not to fall in love (even when I do). Its become somekind of instinctive reaction I haven't found solution.

That Im not the person I want to be and Im not a good person.

Also lonelyness

Also to avoid pain (feeling traumatizing things experienced again)

My mental image of myself does not match the actual image of my stature. So i try to make myself larger in my mind which intimidates others because i am larger then i realize. 

I have always felt a need to prove myself and appear more intelligent, wiser, and more mature/spiritual than I actually am. Acting this way usually got me some kind of approval from parents, teachers, and older siblings. I also am trying to grow beyond my capacity financially at the moment. I suppose I'm overcompensating for a lack of patience from primary caregivers (and now from myself). I want to have everything figured out as quickly as possible but deep down I feel genuinely lost and incapable.

Edit: I subconsciously try to convince people that I have a plan and know exactly what I'm doing, which could not be further from the truth. Even when I'm asking for help, I end up giving people the impression that I don't need it. I'm terrified of admitting how incapable I feel, so I overcompensate by giving people the impression that I have it figured out sometimes even more so than they do, which is not the truth of my reality at all.

Edited June 30, 20224 yr by Ben K
Adding more info after additional reflection on the question

My chronic pain symptoms for the past 2 decades… 

my anxiety around feeling good enough, being rejected by people i trust

I don't know, Im running from something. Some truth inside of me. I'm procrastinating trying to have the consequences somewhere in the future, instead of now. Im in real emotional pain, I feel something is utterly wrong, but can't say what. And I also feel resistance to knowing. 

This is the moment for introspection, and bravery, just owning my feelings, listening to what my subconscious already knows. 

Edited October 22, 20232 yr by LucyMad
Details

The lack of healthy masculinity in my life. (generational trauma) 

Intense Systemicall issues (generational trauma)

Abandonment/orphanhood/widowhood (generational trauma)

Like why for 3 generations me included (me, my mom, my grandma) all of us looking alike having the favorite color green. All of us made BAD choices when it comes to who we have our offspring with. Hansome, intelligent, physically strong, gifted, witty.. Psychopathic, Psychotic, alcoholic, Schizophrenic young men. 

Why didn't I learn from them. I tell myself that I made the difference by not beeing with that man, choosing to be a single mom. Cause the 2 generations before me stayed until the bitter end. Also I chose a smoking rock instead of someone to depend on financialy, like they did. 

I understand why they did. Those men provided atleast something even if they did more damage than good. Becoming a mom a single mom doesn't ultimately bring out the best in you. It's not allways better to be a single mom. You're more likely to have your kids taken away by cps. Much more likely. Atleast yall know if a guy beats you behind closed doors, he can beat others who want to beat you. 

Atleast something rather than nothing. 

Don't get me wrong. Im not regretting my choice to be single mom. I vividly remember my fucked up childhood. 

But oh how stupid have I been to think this was all going to be fun and "easy". And I would easily find healthy people who want us and cater to us. Like where was my brain in LA la Land. And why the fuck did I choose THIS man to be the father of my child. 

Why did I do this to myself. 

This is like bad juju. Or karma or something. 

I didn't even want to get pregnant. I didn't even want to be with that guy it was kind of a hostage like situation. 

Shure I love my child. But Some days it's like I don't feel his cuteness and look right through him. And l feel depleted and like complete trash. And guilty. And bad and wrong and like miserableXD

I keep trying to prove that I’m worthy and lovable enough for people to devote considerable time and energy into me by being hyper fixated on their wellbeing and the needs I can fulfill, but it’s coming from a place of desperation and causing my pattern of codependency to flare up and I end up losing myself, depleting myself and given them the message that they are not okay as they are and that something about them needs to be fixed.