Being silent for most of my life.

My terrible looks and lack of talent and social skills. 

My feeling of worthlessness and unsafety

For my lack of scientific or spiritual knowledge -> for feeling like my opinion is invalid 

for the feeling of being behind in life, not "succeeding" in the way others and to a degree I myself expect it; for the feeling that im never going to get to a place of satisfaction or more...

Trying so hard to reject my sexuality that I am trying to become like a man and like a "saint"

Doing masculine things because there is no man around to help and support and protect me.

Being masculine because................ I've chosen to hate my femininity.....~~~~ as a coping mechanism?...........

Becaaause I'm scareeeeeeeed people will think I'm insane. My femininity is like a black hole, soo wild and kaleidoscopic......

I overcompensate for the pain of rejection in my childhood by trying to be all things to all people. I overcompensate for the rejection of my femininity by becoming hyper feminine. I overcompensate for feeling and being invisible my whole life by being loud and outspoken.

I overcompensate with finding meaning in almost all things+beings as I used to be someone who didn't pay attention at all to signs and circumstances. This happens at the expense of ease and lightness, everything becomes serious and potentially important.

Feeling broken. I try so hard because the idea that I am broken, that there is something wrong with me no matter what I do, or don't, is extremely painful. I got the message that there was something wrong with me constantly growing up, and I still get that reflection from time to time and I got it stuck in my habitual thinking that I need to be better, different than I am to have a semblance of acceptance, which actually is more like tolerance, not acceptance or inclusion. I am constantly wanting to be seen as good enough, as okay, as at least putting effort towards improving. I really appreciate this space to answer these questions, it's assisting me in gaining a lot of clarity.

My resistence

Being the baby in the family and the “favorite” and not being able to excel in school and not wanting to be there. A lot was given materialistically, and how I was seen and represent the family was always a theme.  Insecurities about my self worth and being approved of.  Picking an overtly narcissistic partner to have a child with and the fallout, and overcompensating in guilt for what happened with our son, and taking on my own behaviors and patterns to heal while blaming myself for my own codependency and being selfish.  Constantly feeling like I have to fix myself.  

Unfulfilled false desires.

Giving up upon trying to have my needs met. Holding myself accountable for things wich are not my responsibility. Instead of actually being empowered and responsible. Im afraid of failure or pain, and have anxiety, so I have these days where I binge watch Teals Videos.

Growing up poor. Being fat. 

I overcompensate in order to avoid acceptance. 

Trying not to fall in love (even when I do). Its become somekind of instinctive reaction I haven't found solution.

That Im not the person I want to be and Im not a good person.

Also lonelyness

Also to avoid pain (feeling traumatizing things experienced again)

My mental image of myself does not match the actual image of my stature. So i try to make myself larger in my mind which intimidates others because i am larger then i realize. 

I have always felt a need to prove myself and appear more intelligent, wiser, and more mature/spiritual than I actually am. Acting this way usually got me some kind of approval from parents, teachers, and older siblings. I also am trying to grow beyond my capacity financially at the moment. I suppose I'm overcompensating for a lack of patience from primary caregivers (and now from myself). I want to have everything figured out as quickly as possible but deep down I feel genuinely lost and incapable.

Edit: I subconsciously try to convince people that I have a plan and know exactly what I'm doing, which could not be further from the truth. Even when I'm asking for help, I end up giving people the impression that I don't need it. I'm terrified of admitting how incapable I feel, so I overcompensate by giving people the impression that I have it figured out sometimes even more so than they do, which is not the truth of my reality at all.

My chronic pain symptoms for the past 2 decades… 

my anxiety around feeling good enough, being rejected by people i trust

I don't know, Im running from something. Some truth inside of me. I'm procrastinating trying to have the consequences somewhere in the future, instead of now. Im in real emotional pain, I feel something is utterly wrong, but can't say what. And I also feel resistance to knowing. 

This is the moment for introspection, and bravery, just owning my feelings, listening to what my subconscious already knows.