Abundance!

Relationships... Can't get deeper connections. Struggled with that all my life. Familys ok but nobody's spiritual. Hearing disability has isolated me from everyone. I tired something's but I get discouraged easily. I think I'm really not committing to life completely, like, I gave up long time ago and forgot about it.

I feel like I have too many blindspots and I avoid feeling and doing shadow work, because I dont have the energy. My mindset is really negative. 

Disconnection. No matter how I'm doing with any process, good or bad, at the end of the day (or a lesson), I still turn off the light. New day is a restart. Feels like every experience is like a chapter in a book and after finishing it Ill return back to where I came from.

My relationship is the biggest rut. The difference in the frequencies are astonishing.  I cannot leave for she is not my enemy and that would kick the chair out from under her.  So now, i am here for now,  i also have a high functioning autistic 11 year old duaghter that needs both of us. But she needs both of us functioning and that is like a flickering light bulb.

Addiction

I want to change in that, I become more responsible and trustworthy to others in order to have actual relationships, cause I don't enjoy being alone, also I'd like to experience less friction or tension in my body, and let go of control. All of this I think is tied to anxiety. 

The thing is if I'm beginning to be trustworthy and responsible, people will probably like me, I possibly end up in relationships and I will feel loved/love, wich will hurt alot. It will possibly kill me. And how am I going to protect myself from people? 

Cause my current truth is love is fragile, love don't exist.

If you move without love you move with control, and it will literally physically destroy you from the inside out. That's the problem. 

My rutt...besides finances. Me personally, I feel like I am too hard on myself. I feel like I ponder on things and give power to things that don't serve me. Naturally this "double edged sword" narrative that I've been playing in my entire life is slowly eating me alive. I decipher this belief in me by my parents that were instilled in me in my early childhood years, especially by my dad, that the only way to be loved is to chase after it. Whole this created envy and jealousy in my life. While not ever feeling worthy of such love. Even though I know I am love and made from a piece of love...that I chose to break that chain and be what I want to manifest into the world. As difficult as that may sound in this very given moment and time. My ultimate rutt is giving too much of my power away to a someone that I though I use to know. 

Interesting:

guilt and shame.

standing my ground, meeting my needs, beeing myself and true to myself and others. self love. 

Health, energy, motivation.

Sometimes things theme written down alot easier. 

I feel very unsafe, and I scare people away. (Cross my boundaries doing so, I confuse crossing my boundaries as gaining closeness, because I learned it this way?) Better to relate in a shitty way, than not at all? Im also very passive aggressive.

(Even someone who wouldnt harm me, and comes with a beautiful gift.)

And I regrett this because it has further ruined my relationships, also the relationship with myself.

Deep down I dont believe im worth a relationship. Because I dont have a relationship with my mother.

Beeing the odd one out, the evil one, also makes shure Im staying close to her.

Another way to put it is:

I dont want to resolve the conflict I have with myself because I meet my needs through this conflict. 

Such as closeness, getting empathy and attention, safety, control, defending my boundaries, the list could go on.

On 8/21/2021 at 12:27 AM, lightworker said:

Literally everything. I'm blocked at every turn. Everytime I try to make progress I'm blasted backwards. I don't get it. My life is just one epic failure after another. I can't even kill myself properly. 

OMG I'm in such a different place now than when I wrote this. I ended up starting two businesses, one of which I now do full time. And it's EASY. I literally get paid to exist it's fun. I did have to move back in w my mentally abusive parents. It was that or be homeless. They're still unsafe people mentally and emotionally, but I mostly try to ignore them. I realized it was my own inner self sabotage that was keeping me from succeeding. My inner parents. I had to work w my inner saboteurs like Teal talks about. I realized most of them have good reason for not wanting to "succeed", and so I worked with some, repurposed some. It takes effort and consistency and self-discipline, and it's a slow process. It takes a lot of belief work and inner work. I'm still struggling, just not with this. When I first wrote the original comment, I was living with abusive roommates, who were heavily gaslighting me, and I'd just lost all of my friends so I had no support system.

2 hours ago, lightworker said:

OMG I'm in such a different place now than when I wrote this. I ended up starting two businesses, one of which I now do full time. And it's EASY. I literally get paid to exist it's fun. I did have to move back in w my mentally abusive parents. It was that or be homeless. They're still unsafe people mentally and emotionally, but I mostly try to ignore them. I realized it was my own inner self sabotage that was keeping me from succeeding. My inner parents. I had to work w my inner saboteurs like Teal talks about. I realized most of them have good reason for not wanting to "succeed", and so I worked with some, repurposed some. It takes effort and consistency and self-discipline, and it's a slow process. It takes a lot of belief work and inner work. I'm still struggling, just not with this. When I first wrote the original comment, I was living with abusive roommates, who were heavily gaslighting me, and I'd just lost all of my friends so I had no support system.

That is so awesome! So happy for you!