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What is the worst thing that I do to myself right now in my life?

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From "100 Of The Most Powerful Questions You Can Ask Yourself"

Nothing has the power to completely alter perspective and therefore your thoughts and actions and life quite like a question. Inquiry leads to understanding. The quality of the answers we arrive at, correspond directly to the quality of question we ask. The better the question, the better the answer. One of the most important things to realize about a question is that a person learns far, far more from the process and work involved in answering a question than from the answer itself. This is why spiritual teachers throughout history (including myself) have tended to pose so many questions to their students rather than to simply offer a direct answer. For this reason, I have selected a collection of 100 of the most powerful questions that you can ask yourself.

Make sure to take time to carefully consider each question that is posed in order to meaningfully answer them. And don’t forget to come back to these questions again and again throughout your life, especially whenever you are feeling stuck, because the answers will most likely change over the course of your life and also cause you to change your course in life.

- Teal Swan

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I'd say self harming, but I think it's worse that I don't have the willpower to force myself and move on. To progress, to work for a better future. I don't feel like it. So I maybe shouldn't... But then I feel like my existence is pointless. I'm guessing, if I follow my emotional compass... that I don't want to work. I want comfort. But even though it feels okay now, in the long run, I know it will just make me suffer. So I think this is the worst I'm doing to myself right now.

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I guess complaining. A little background story: I got into this prestigious highschool a few years ago and just graduated, it's one of the best school in my country, so my experience with my classmates and working with each other were amazing. And now, I'm currently a freshman at a great university too. The problem is, right before my first day at college, I had this huge fight with my mom, which was horrible, she wanted to kick me out, hence my bad mood. After a few weeks of college, things got worse because of my negative feelings, now I feel extremely lonely, my anxiety is getting worse, I can't meet my old friends, and I'm not close enough to my college friends to talk to them about my abusive househole or my mental problems. And I kept complaining although I know that it won't fix things and that it will just make things worse. But I feel like everything in my life is going wrong and I feel totally powerless... I know that things will be better but right now I just want to put these kinds of thoughts to one side and cry myself to sleep.

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I feel a little better now that I got to express these thoughts but I will try my best to understand myself better and dive into these feelings.

Edited by thaohinnn
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Force myself to be someone and have traits I am not, don’t have. Instead of discovering genuine authenticity and desire. 
keeping obsessing over making things come true for me that I don’t actually desire but only want to keep me safe because “it’s more superior”

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They way I try to build connection. Also sabotage it. 

Im afraid and alone and overwhelmed and stressed alot, but I wont communicate that, I react in a way that people find scary I think. 

Sometimes when Im just somewhere outside random strangers waiting in line, I want to talk and say: I'm afraid. 

But as our society aint that empathic also ignorant and judgmental. 

Me trying to keep it all together, also cause I dont want to scare anyone (I cant allways), and possibly I come across as if beeing possessed or whatsover like I want to not see people and also want them dead or something. I dont know.

People do react on it sometimes, some people are more sensetive. And they reflect to me that somethings off with me. 

It makes me afraid again, also disappointed in myself. But also it makes me feel seen, somewhat. 

I need therapy.

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