Ask Yourself...

I'd say self harming, but I think it's worse that I don't have the willpower to force myself and move on. To progress, to work for a better future. I don't feel like it. So I maybe shouldn't... But then I feel like my existence is pointless. I'm guessing, if I follow my emotional compass... that I don't want to work. I want comfort. But even though it feels okay now, in the long run, I know it will just make me suffer. So I think this is the worst I'm doing to myself right now.

I guess complaining. A little background story: I got into this prestigious highschool a few years ago and just graduated, it's one of the best school in my country, so my experience with my classmates and working with each other were amazing. And now, I'm currently a freshman at a great university too. The problem is, right before my first day at college, I had this huge fight with my mom, which was horrible, she wanted to kick me out, hence my bad mood. After a few weeks of college, things got worse because of my negative feelings, now I feel extremely lonely, my anxiety is getting worse, I can't meet my old friends, and I'm not close enough to my college friends to talk to them about my abusive househole or my mental problems. And I kept complaining although I know that it won't fix things and that it will just make things worse. But I feel like everything in my life is going wrong and I feel totally powerless... I know that things will be better but right now I just want to put these kinds of thoughts to one side and cry myself to sleep.

Edited October 29, 20205 yr by thaohinnn
Typo

I feel a little better now that I got to express these thoughts but I will try my best to understand myself better and dive into these feelings.

Edited October 29, 20205 yr by thaohinnn
Typo

Force myself to be someone and have traits I am not, don’t have. Instead of discovering genuine authenticity and desire. 
keeping obsessing over making things come true for me that I don’t actually desire but only want to keep me safe because “it’s more superior”

Expecting love

I don't do anything bad to myself but the universe does. 

Act like I can't take care of myself or live my life.

Not resolving the conflicts in my internal parts and maintaining an internal atmosphere of distrust and win-lose scenarios

Isolating myself

I'm too considerate...wen there's no need to be even...just to appear good...I should just be more selfish or self full or whatever 

Putting off going to the dentist. 

Avoiding everything that would cause me pain

Wallow in goddamn self pity all day long

Relationships,

They way I try to build connection. Also sabotage it. 

Im afraid and alone and overwhelmed and stressed alot, but I wont communicate that, I react in a way that people find scary I think. 

Sometimes when Im just somewhere outside random strangers waiting in line, I want to talk and say: I'm afraid. 

But as our society aint that empathic also ignorant and judgmental. 

Me trying to keep it all together, also cause I dont want to scare anyone (I cant allways), and possibly I come across as if beeing possessed or whatsover like I want to not see people and also want them dead or something. I dont know.

People do react on it sometimes, some people are more sensetive. And they reflect to me that somethings off with me. 

It makes me afraid again, also disappointed in myself. But also it makes me feel seen, somewhat. 

I need therapy.

Continue breathing at all when I know I deserve the gift of suicide

Beat myself up....torture myself for not being better or doing something wrong

I hear what I tell myself, but only for a moment.... do the Shadow Work without making any changes..... succumb to fear of change, of the brave conversations 

Not believing that I deserve good things to happen or expect things to turn out the way I want 💗

Dont know what the future brings or where to start or how to go about things, have little to no faith, so I just kinda quit on everything.

This in turn stresses me out so much Im unable to think probably, so Im stuck in a feeling of dispair. Ma<be one could call it anxiety. 

but I know Im also angry alot on other people and actually Im not angry at them again Im afraid od them hurting me like Ive been hurt way too many times.

Staying in same patterns.

I submit to inauthentic ways of being. I don’t honor my own boundaries first and foremost. I’ve developed a habit it seems, of betraying myself…. Saying yes when I’m very unsure. Living from fear, not honoring who I truly am. 

After all the way with Teal's guidance. I'm still sometimes finding myself in the old tracks of disconnection. It feels awful and coming out of it feels equally awful.

I'm acting and pretending to be someone I'm not because I'm afraid my parents will dissaprove of me, shout at me because I have different needs than them.. I'm afraid to feel hurt and rejected. 

Going a loop with my twin sister at the end of each loop i’m picking my self back up 

Stay in a marriage that was begun on a foundation of deception and insecurity. Stay in it for pity of the other person and fear what the divorce would do to her. Continue to walk on eggshells because of her fragile emotional stability, and my depleted energy. Sacrifice all of the potential that is waiting for me to grasp it, waiting around for something to change for me. Not using the vehicle of expression that is incarnate to the fullest it should be used in this lifetime. Wait around instead of do the act which I know is karmically before me as a final symbolic transformation from a negative mode of relationship to a positive one in terms of polarity of force.