Ask Yourself...

Maybe I would stop trying to find ways to fix myself, and just go about my day. If I had less fear, I would feel better. And Ide enjoy my life more.

Ide try to heal my life. 

Heal myself

Heal my relationships

Maybe also, just try to be myself, and you know more authentic, there is alot of dignity and integrity in authenticity. 

I actually most of the time believe I can't actually do this. (but that's also fear, strong fear, I guess) 

I tell myself I'm a bad person, I do things to prove to myself I'm a bad person both unpurposely and by choice, and than that's the reason I can't heal. Because bad people get ill, and can't heal, and die.

And the reason I can't be myself is, because I can't heal and there's a blockage.

I would take revenge on all the institutions, destroy buildings. 

Love my child 

Edited July 19, 20224 yr by LucyMad
Because.

Tell people what I actually think about things. Tell people how I actually feel, and what I'm actually going through. (I think they will cut me of)

Beeing open to connect with people, especially men. (I think they won't like the real me) 

Asking others for help. (I'm afraid this will backfire, and cost more than it's worth)

Physically torturing most “spiritual teachers/gurus/leaders for as long as humanly possible.

Feel things. 

Come into a state of allowance more often, and feel physical sensations in my body, such as rain and wind ect. And also be brave enough to Feel feelings and emotions. Brave enough to feel hurt by others if I'm hurt. 

Be friends with many people. 

I would initiate the difficult but necessary conversations with people in my life, and I would set/reinforce my boundaries when I feel them getting violated.

I would take a lot more risks.

Going up to people at events and networking, socializing for both friendship and business fearlessly.

I would try to be that version of me I was the time after, when I birthed my child. Full of purpose, 100% commited, disciplined, safe. Full of unconditional love. Owning our life, taking responsibility. 

I'm afraid of failure, everything only getting worse. 

And another thing I would try is, just to be myself. Accepting myself, beeing way more relaxed. Treating myself like a flower Wich just is and just grows in it's own pace. No controlling or forcing, I have to be something (I have a hard time to know how I should be doing that) 

I would like to try a mix of these both elements. I miss those parts of me. 

I'm afraid of other parts of me, sabotaging me. 

I prefer to build walls to keep pain in and to have my more difficult parts be in the front, so that they don't subconsciously pop up to sabotage me.. Until I figured out what to do with them.. 

But it's not really getting ne anywhere.. It's making things worse... It's like I've focused and lend my energy to these parts way more and build them bigger and stronger. 

Maybe I overall need to treat myself differently.. Reject neither part of me, work with them all, become more fluid and integrated. 

It's like I wanted to harshly split myself up to resolve the one part I want to have resolved so only the other parts I like and want to have are left. 

So far... It didn't work that well.. 

Maybe teal is right and I am not very self loving and in resistance and this is why it persists and gets worse..... Like in her video: do you do shadow work for or against you. 

I've been on this road long enough to know it doesn't work. And as much as I've deemed parts of me unlikable and wrong... 

It is what it is. 

And I know I still do feel shame somewhere. 

But part of me is also able to say, it's okay. We take more of me from here on.