Misdirection, half-truths and carefully constructed appearances

"I can do it myself."

"I'm fine." 

"I got it."

My anger and aggressiveness, no one is gonna walk over me attitude... I don’t need you, fuck you...

Thoughts like ‘I am never gonna be loved,  I am just gonna wait until this is over since I feel I am never gonna be loved as I am’

Also, kindness and sensual attractiveness

Masculinity. Being independent, responsible and fine. Get lost in the masculine and switch off. 

Silence

• anger

Avoidance & blaming.

silence, dissociation

Get hurt armour is

Then shut down rebel against all do anything do everything sexual give away body if tears come don’t feel 

help others give advice pick the worst n try to fix focus on others

caretake everyone

be a body only give it away

run

fill life up

shut the voice in head off

more now stay away from relationships stay single stop all sexual promiscuity 

draw paint write study learn something new 

trust only a dog

talk bout it easy show survival help them open up keep them away

divert attention

don’t trust 

run 

Work get heaps work exist

work on me get aha moments 

see others at their age  explain the whys where they were coming from to myself 

it’s still in me 

exercise

get healthy

still everything keep from flooding 

Being always in a bad mood around others, and being overly logical/mental

Pretending I'm not bothered. Pretending I'm fine being alone, being dismissed, unseen, unheard. Pretending pain doesn't bother me as much as it does. Keeping things to myself. Keeping people at a distance by not showing all of myself to them. Showing myself in increments and compartmentalized versions. Keeping myself small and not going for things or doing things I want to do bc that means being vulnerable. 

a facade of manliness and sickness

Thinking of myself as worthless 

cynicism and bitterness, skepticism, sarcasm, humor, rationalizing and intellectualizing things, physically isolating myself from people, trying to do things perfectly or be perfect in some scenarios, avoiding responsibility and commitment, eating not very healthy food and self-distraction, changing topics, coming up with excuses, postponing things and procrastinating, telling myself how people suck, withholding information about myself or affection, not showing emotions, pretending like everything is fine

Age regression, anorexia, marijuana, non commitment, isolation, codependency 

Being overly analytical

How I protect it from myself is by being always busy, always moving and on the go

Perfection, no space, reserved, controlling, holding tight, resistant to receive

when in fact I only want to love and be loved.

Sarcasm, anger, numbness.

Being too nice, avoiding conflict and isolation.

Having no space for others

I armor my vulnerabilities by overcompensating for what I feel I lack:

Things like perfection, confidence and perfect clarity (in regards to stuff I actually am not experienced in).

Independence, isolation, false confidence, not asking for help when I need to. Keeping myself boxed in a bit so I can't see the bigger picture and keeps me safe, assuming without questioning or clarifying.

My armour is that I'm a puppet, to give an illusion to others, so carefully constructed to respond to everyone I meet. Underneath, I am just a fragmented self uncertain of my own identity.

In simple words-Fight or flight