The pain of losing  a zero sum game.

Grief an despair to see, weaker than other people so they can feel strong and empowered instead, loyalty in that way?

I dunno....amm maybe I didnt't want to lose connection with this woman I really got on with and so I allowed myself to get destroyed for a year pretending I wasn't fully besotted by her..I let the trxts come with no boundaries..they would raise my hopes everything only to be reminded of the fact...we couldn't be together because she was with someone else...and didn't admit my real feelings to her until recently...because as soon as I wud it would change the dynamic of the relationship and it would risk loosing her....or loosing that connection which was important to me...

Surprisingly enough, I have been holding on to pain for the love of music. During my childhood, all I had was music. Music was the only thing that I could count on when I was in pain. I made a strong bond with music through pain. There was nothing more gratifying than being in pain with music because there was no way out of that pain at that time so it was way better to be in it with music than to be in it alone. I instinctively relate music with the feeling of catharsis. I feel like I am going to lose that gratifying feeling I get when I listen to music when I'm in pain if I let go of that pain. I feel like I need pain in order to keep that strong bond with music. Music is all my life. I am afraid to lose that. Now that I'm aware of this, I want to talk to that part of me who's afraid of this to understand her better.

The pain of being less than, so as to make the other person feel superior or loved.

 Right now im actually in the process of letting go of some pain as a testament of my love for my mental health lol. Im about to give y'all a good laugh cuz my little story is stupid as hell, but its the truth..so here we go.

So, I developed quite an infatuation for this writer that I really like. I started out just admiring her work/skill, and before I knew it that admiration spilled over into a MAJOR crush on her. These kind of crushes are normal, but the state of delusion that i've dipped into recently is not normal or healthy at all. I saw some pictures of the writer with her girlfriend today , and I FLIPPED OUT. I was just drenched in jealousy, and can y'all believe that I actually felt betrayed as if this writer was my gf in real life?!?! I don't even know her! Lol. My little meltdown was a clear message to me that i've kinda gone off the deep end here, so now im workin on it.

I am holding on to the pain of leaving a home I loved. The pain of not allowing myself to access my own feelings and desires. The pain of not speaking my truth and putting my foot down for what I want. The pain of leaving someone I love. The pain of leaving somewhere I love and being asked to never return. All of this pain I am holding on to for the love of the people, places, or experiences. I now let go of this pain and allow myself to integrate the lessons of these experiences and remember the joy. Thank you. I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me.

The pain of not feeling my mother’s love. 

Expansion. Let go to expand my horizons. 

Abandoning 

I'm holding on to the pain of not taking a step forward for myself and my career in order to prove my love to my family as a sacrifice of my own dream for the sake of the good relationship between us. 

The pain of not being good enough. Of not being loved. Pain of abandonment and lonelyness. 

Loving me, is an equation of destruction.. As far as I get is the best I got.

A worn-out body to help with the support our family.

Myself. I have lived most of my life unseen and unheard, if I let go of the pain do I release the recognition that I exist and matter since no one else has? I hold onto my pain in fear that without it I won't have a purpose, an origin, or will cease to exist. 

Oh this is huge. But I don't know if it counts. 

My mother did alot of shit (nothing minor, we talking many vile, adverse things) in her life, and many of those things she masked as if I had done them (and blamed me for things she did). And as a child I didn't understand that, and believed I was evil and that there's something wrong with me, and my brother who was her golden child (still my younger brother) believed her too and we never had a healthy relationship. Due to believing there's something wrong with me, that's what everyone got to see in me and what I put out. (and I got extremely bullied anywhere I went, school, church ect.) both me and my brother grew up very isolated we were socially handicapped through that relationship with our mother. (and we are still) 

This pattern stayed the exact same in adult life, only it gotten worse. And I've kept it not purposely to maintain a relationship with my mother. And my brother. I somehow had to decide a few times between homelessness and beeing part of that disfunction. But even if I could break that trauma bond, I can't, it scares me to death. If I did that I could actually live and breath, and it's fucking scary. 

If I tell her the truth that She was a physically violent parent. Her reaction: I'm sorry I didn't realise earlier in life, how mentaly I'll you are, I would've gotten you help. I'm such a bad parent.

And it has been like this ever since, only back than she was less clever in masking her bs and more direct.

I feel like I'm not only doing it out of "love" but it's a way I get revenge on them. Cause if I drown, the others are gonna drown too, they just don't realise it.

The problem with this, I don't want to drown. If I where a boat there would be people rowing into opposite directions. 

I'm heartbroken because of this, because it effects my life and all my relationships (also the relationship with my child) 

I lived with my mother during pregnancy and she treated me very very badly during pregnancy while behaving as if she was having a baby. I tried to get away from her, but she did alot and eventually she got her way and was back in the scene after I gave birth, and she dominated and got abusive since the beginning. I feel completely traumatized. I can't even talk about all the things that happened. And I don't feel like this is my child, I feel like it is hers. 

And I want to kill my mother. 

I literally hate myself and destroy my life for my mother and for our relationship. 

I once read a teal quote that sometimes staying in a family makes things worse and so that patterns for all members even fester or worsen. (I 100% quoted teal wrong, sorry.) 

You not only have to leave physically, you'll have to leave, mentally, emotionally, spiritualy, and it's a journey seldomly a thing you can decide over night. And also leaving in these other ways, is in the best interest of all. 

I'm still in the process of leaving. In some ways I haven't even started. 

The separation and the "loss" from my child, when I gave birth. (this is blocking me, from giving all my heart to him and to our life) when I feel joy and look at him, I also start to cry exactly the same way, like few days after giving birth. And I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't want to stress him out. He was 3 weeks early but he's 3 month old now. (I should've been over it by now, but somehow this emotional imprint stayed with me) 

The pain of the forgotten one, the one we forgot that existed and felt once, now that I've realised this within me I finally am allowing to be me and express for myself and Moove with this overall energy of feeling heavy voices who are conscious thought at large to create  for myself and for them like a promise to rest in peace and love for their sore souls... 

It's painfully and heavy but I can feel the desire to just being heard and being seen, regconosed.

If you read this message will you allow me to take this pain with you,  it's helping me feeling connected, I  I want you to feel this warm relief that I feel, we care about how you feel. So please don't hold it only alone because you're not (I say this for myself too because I do this alone and it felt terribly lonely and it helped me to see that some people really cared the way I felt ) 

Thank you very much for your genuine interest to get yourself better. It'll may off don't worry

The pain of the forgotten ones , the ones we forgot that existed and felt once, now that I've realised this within was reflecting through me, I finally am allowing to become myself and express & Moove with this overall energy of feeling heavy voices who are consciousness thought at large who were begging for attention 

Using that informations and voices Like a promise to create for their sore souls relief and compassion they once needed... 

It's painfull and heavy but I can feel the desire to just being heard and being seen, regconised.

If you read this message will you allow me to take this pain with you? ,  it helped me feeling connected, I  I want you to feel this warm relief that I feel, we care about how you feel. So please don't hold it only alone because you're not

Ps:(I say this for myself too because I do this alone and it felt terribly lonely and it helped me to see that some people really cared the way I felt ) 

Thank you very much for your genuine interest to get yourself better

Hmm. Maybe I hold on to not wanting to change because so many People always wanted to mold me into their versions that I resist change into my billionaire version I am like ,,no i will Love that version of myself that much as it need to because I dont wanna be like that People who was rejecting me and treated like shit because I didnt had status yet". I see Beauty in that pain. Changing is hard when someone Press you to that constantly. It become unpleasant even if it is better serving you.