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#35

What pain from the past am I still holding on to that is holding me back today?

(Answer In The Comments Below )
From "100 Of The Most Powerful Questions You Can Ask Yourself"

Nothing has the power to completely alter perspective and therefore your thoughts and actions and life quite like a question. Inquiry leads to understanding. The quality of the answers we arrive at, correspond directly to the quality of question we ask. The better the question, the better the answer. One of the most important things to realize about a question is that a person learns far, far more from the process and work involved in answering a question than from the answer itself. This is why spiritual teachers throughout history (including myself) have tended to pose so many questions to their students rather than to simply offer a direct answer. For this reason, I have selected a collection of 100 of the most powerful questions that you can ask yourself.

Make sure to take time to carefully consider each question that is posed in order to meaningfully answer them. And don’t forget to come back to these questions again and again throughout your life, especially whenever you are feeling stuck, because the answers will most likely change over the course of your life and also cause you to change your course in life.

- Teal Swan


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confusion, not knowing how to rectify all the years i’ve spent in pain. it almost feels like a disservice to myself to be happy because if being happy was so easy, what was all that suffering for? i can’t let it be easy because that means that life doesn’t make sense. it means that the suffering has no purpose, or worse, that i chose it. i’m also scared that if i get to the state where it does all make sense, that it will be this sort of ended-ness and life will lose all excitement, i don’t want to be some enlightened being, i’m only 22 i’m too young to have figured out this much. i want to have normal 22 year old problems, not “figure out the meaning of existence” problems. it’s like i can’t be happy because then my past and life itself won’t make sense, and if life makes sense then i’m fucked because i know i’ll just desire more expansion and so i’ll force myself to suffer in ways that are even bigger. i just want to back it up and undo all these questions and fears, i want to unthink the thoughts that got me here. i went too far down the wrong hole. i need to back it the fuck up. 

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Losing that art competition as a kid. Damn that really had me believing I'm not good enough, not talented enough, that I will fail in my artistic pursuits. And I haven't been disciplined at all in developing my skills since I left college. Feels like so much wasted time. And yet I'm sitting here still afraid to start, thinking "what's the point? It won't get me anywhere." Still doubting my abilities and at the same time I know drawing is what I'm talented at but I never practice. Why have I been avoiding it? My avoidance is making it so that I will never improve. That's obvious now that I'm writing this but I have had such an aversion to drawing because of the pain of my insecurities that I haven't even been thinking about it lately, even though there have been SO many obvious signs telling me that art is my calling. Wow okay. Now that I'm aware of this I just need to follow through and make changes. Idk why it feels so hard to discipline myself outside of the context of a classroom and create consistency in my life. I think I've just been holding on to a lot of self doubt and not believing in myself. Okay it's time to do something different cause I can't ignore this. I am afraid but I am going to take a step in the direction of pursuing art, starting with creating a daily routine to practice drawing. I don't know where it will lead but I've got to start somewhere.

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Edit to my last post: I just realized that the reason I fail to implement new routines in my life is that I expect too much too soon and then get overwhelmed and quit. So with this in mind I am going to start by creating a drawing once a week not every day 😀

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I have found I hold a lot of shame and resentment within me
I am the scapegoat of the family, and I am still a victim of gaslighting, deflection, and triangulation to this very day
This is how I found Teal on YouTube, since I was looking for the right words to describe my situation
And because I am still learning to express my personal truth in a way people are open and willing to hear it and take it in
This pain is holding me back in regaining autonomy over my own life, and puts a break on my self development
Even though it stems for the need and desire to become autonomous and to develop myself

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On 4/4/2021 at 5:29 AM, Ellieaj said:

Losing that art competition as a kid. Damn that really had me believing I'm not good enough, not talented enough, that I will fail in my artistic pursuits. And I haven't been disciplined at all in developing my skills since I left college. Feels like so much wasted time. And yet I'm sitting here still afraid to start, thinking "what's the point? It won't get me anywhere." Still doubting my abilities and at the same time I know drawing is what I'm talented at but I never practice. Why have I been avoiding it? My avoidance is making it so that I will never improve. That's obvious now that I'm writing this but I have had such an aversion to drawing because of the pain of my insecurities that I haven't even been thinking about it lately, even though there have been SO many obvious signs telling me that art is my calling. Wow okay. Now that I'm aware of this I just need to follow through and make changes. Idk why it feels so hard to discipline myself outside of the context of a classroom and create consistency in my life. I think I've just been holding on to a lot of self doubt and not believing in myself. Okay it's time to do something different cause I can't ignore this. I am afraid but I am going to take a step in the direction of pursuing art, starting with creating a daily routine to practice drawing. I don't know where it will lead but I've got to start somewhere.

Dear Ellieaj, I have a lot of struggles with discipline myself. One thing I noticed is that people called me fickle and adviced me to be more consistent. However, there is more nuance on the spectrum of adaptability than those two qualities. Fickle is a more detrimental expression of being mutable, while flexible is a more beneficial expression. On the other side of the spectrum you have consistency as the beneficial expression of being fixed, while the people who adviced me to be consistent often were rigid themselves: A detrimental expression of being fixed. What is currently helping me, is exploring which nuance of adaptability to apply in different scenarios. So I have more authentic ways to be disciplined, instead of have being discipline create resistance in me. I hope this anecdote will be of service to you. With love, Jimmy Biemans

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On 11/22/2020 at 8:09 PM, mschwab said:

confusion, not knowing how to rectify all the years i’ve spent in pain. it almost feels like a disservice to myself to be happy because if being happy was so easy, what was all that suffering for? i can’t let it be easy because that means that life doesn’t make sense. it means that the suffering has no purpose, or worse, that i chose it. i’m also scared that if i get to the state where it does all make sense, that it will be this sort of ended-ness and life will lose all excitement, i don’t want to be some enlightened being, i’m only 22 i’m too young to have figured out this much. i want to have normal 22 year old problems, not “figure out the meaning of existence” problems. it’s like i can’t be happy because then my past and life itself won’t make sense, and if life makes sense then i’m fucked because i know i’ll just desire more expansion and so i’ll force myself to suffer in ways that are even bigger. i just want to back it up and undo all these questions and fears, i want to unthink the thoughts that got me here. i went too far down the wrong hole. i need to back it the fuck up. 

Dear mschwab, It feels like you have two polarised fragments within you with different needs and desires. I had Teal's video about 'The Healing Trap' in my Let The Universe Choose Your Message lottery draw today. She explained exactly this scenario in the video. I will share the link with you: https://tealswan.com/videos/emotions/the-healing-trap-r228/ I hope this will be of service to you. With love, Jimmy Biemans

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