Ask Yourself...

Shame fear guilt disappointment 

disullusionment 

Edited November 2, 20205 yr by Sarah Mohamed
Forgot one

confusion, not knowing how to rectify all the years i’ve spent in pain. it almost feels like a disservice to myself to be happy because if being happy was so easy, what was all that suffering for? i can’t let it be easy because that means that life doesn’t make sense. it means that the suffering has no purpose, or worse, that i chose it. i’m also scared that if i get to the state where it does all make sense, that it will be this sort of ended-ness and life will lose all excitement, i don’t want to be some enlightened being, i’m only 22 i’m too young to have figured out this much. i want to have normal 22 year old problems, not “figure out the meaning of existence” problems. it’s like i can’t be happy because then my past and life itself won’t make sense, and if life makes sense then i’m fucked because i know i’ll just desire more expansion and so i’ll force myself to suffer in ways that are even bigger. i just want to back it up and undo all these questions and fears, i want to unthink the thoughts that got me here. i went too far down the wrong hole. i need to back it the fuck up. 

Lost friendships, and sad childhood memories 

resentment for not getting what I wanted, fear of being hurt once again, feel shame and guilt of being vulnerable 

Fear of upcoming abandonment. Fear of being utterly alone in harshness, completely unprotected.

Fear of intimacy, vulnerability

Shame, guilt, misunderstanding, fear, dyslexia & the big one.....dyscalculia .

Losing that art competition as a kid. Damn that really had me believing I'm not good enough, not talented enough, that I will fail in my artistic pursuits. And I haven't been disciplined at all in developing my skills since I left college. Feels like so much wasted time. And yet I'm sitting here still afraid to start, thinking "what's the point? It won't get me anywhere." Still doubting my abilities and at the same time I know drawing is what I'm talented at but I never practice. Why have I been avoiding it? My avoidance is making it so that I will never improve. That's obvious now that I'm writing this but I have had such an aversion to drawing because of the pain of my insecurities that I haven't even been thinking about it lately, even though there have been SO many obvious signs telling me that art is my calling. Wow okay. Now that I'm aware of this I just need to follow through and make changes. Idk why it feels so hard to discipline myself outside of the context of a classroom and create consistency in my life. I think I've just been holding on to a lot of self doubt and not believing in myself. Okay it's time to do something different cause I can't ignore this. I am afraid but I am going to take a step in the direction of pursuing art, starting with creating a daily routine to practice drawing. I don't know where it will lead but I've got to start somewhere.

Edit to my last post: I just realized that the reason I fail to implement new routines in my life is that I expect too much too soon and then get overwhelmed and quit. So with this in mind I am going to start by creating a drawing once a week not every day 😀

I have found I hold a lot of shame and resentment within me
I am the scapegoat of the family, and I am still a victim of gaslighting, deflection, and triangulation to this very day
This is how I found Teal on YouTube, since I was looking for the right words to describe my situation
And because I am still learning to express my personal truth in a way people are open and willing to hear it and take it in
This pain is holding me back in regaining autonomy over my own life, and puts a break on my self development
Even though it stems for the need and desire to become autonomous and to develop myself

On 4/4/2021 at 5:29 AM, Ellieaj said:

Losing that art competition as a kid. Damn that really had me believing I'm not good enough, not talented enough, that I will fail in my artistic pursuits. And I haven't been disciplined at all in developing my skills since I left college. Feels like so much wasted time. And yet I'm sitting here still afraid to start, thinking "what's the point? It won't get me anywhere." Still doubting my abilities and at the same time I know drawing is what I'm talented at but I never practice. Why have I been avoiding it? My avoidance is making it so that I will never improve. That's obvious now that I'm writing this but I have had such an aversion to drawing because of the pain of my insecurities that I haven't even been thinking about it lately, even though there have been SO many obvious signs telling me that art is my calling. Wow okay. Now that I'm aware of this I just need to follow through and make changes. Idk why it feels so hard to discipline myself outside of the context of a classroom and create consistency in my life. I think I've just been holding on to a lot of self doubt and not believing in myself. Okay it's time to do something different cause I can't ignore this. I am afraid but I am going to take a step in the direction of pursuing art, starting with creating a daily routine to practice drawing. I don't know where it will lead but I've got to start somewhere.

Dear Ellieaj, I have a lot of struggles with discipline myself. One thing I noticed is that people called me fickle and adviced me to be more consistent. However, there is more nuance on the spectrum of adaptability than those two qualities. Fickle is a more detrimental expression of being mutable, while flexible is a more beneficial expression. On the other side of the spectrum you have consistency as the beneficial expression of being fixed, while the people who adviced me to be consistent often were rigid themselves: A detrimental expression of being fixed. What is currently helping me, is exploring which nuance of adaptability to apply in different scenarios. So I have more authentic ways to be disciplined, instead of have being discipline create resistance in me. I hope this anecdote will be of service to you. With love, Jimmy Biemans

On 11/22/2020 at 8:09 PM, mschwab said:

confusion, not knowing how to rectify all the years i’ve spent in pain. it almost feels like a disservice to myself to be happy because if being happy was so easy, what was all that suffering for? i can’t let it be easy because that means that life doesn’t make sense. it means that the suffering has no purpose, or worse, that i chose it. i’m also scared that if i get to the state where it does all make sense, that it will be this sort of ended-ness and life will lose all excitement, i don’t want to be some enlightened being, i’m only 22 i’m too young to have figured out this much. i want to have normal 22 year old problems, not “figure out the meaning of existence” problems. it’s like i can’t be happy because then my past and life itself won’t make sense, and if life makes sense then i’m fucked because i know i’ll just desire more expansion and so i’ll force myself to suffer in ways that are even bigger. i just want to back it up and undo all these questions and fears, i want to unthink the thoughts that got me here. i went too far down the wrong hole. i need to back it the fuck up. 

Dear mschwab, It feels like you have two polarised fragments within you with different needs and desires. I had Teal's video about 'The Healing Trap' in my Let The Universe Choose Your Message lottery draw today. She explained exactly this scenario in the video. I will share the link with you: https://tealswan.com/videos/emotions/the-healing-trap-r228/ I hope this will be of service to you. With love, Jimmy Biemans

Rejections, all of them. Even ones from elementary school. I haven't let them go. 

Releasing motherhood

Rejection, sometimes…but if I realize my past is not me anymore, because I have worked thru it, I-understand it more.

Shame for manipulating a girl....shame for falling in love with her...shame for trying to.take her for my own....not revenge my defeat...

Being rejected, manipulated, attacked, criticized, and others thins, by people - since I was 4yrs old, possibly younger.

Which eventually lead me to stay away from people. I lost all interest in people. And stopped expressing myself around others or to others.

Love always ends with pain.

Tf I dont know, Im almost constantly in physical and emotional pain. The pastXD the past is in my here and now and in my future. Holding on toXD

My attempted suicide.  

fear, fear of being rejected and of the adventures that are coming soon. Was relieving to see that it is exactly that, 

fear from past experiences. And it is not the truth of what is coming actually. The future might be amazing too! 🎉✨😊

The pain I experienced beeing scapegoated bullied and ostracized, by various groups. Always ending up beeing villainized. Ending up beeing damaged when I try to find belonging in a group. 

The relationship or more like the none exsistant relationship, with my mother. (who one could consider my first bully) 

The impact of our family dynamic. 

Enmeshment trauma 

Generational trauma, shame, guilt, poverty, violence, incest, mental illness, the list goes on.. 

I'm totally entangled in these often on. A subconscious levrl, to the degree that I'm unable to figure things out, without hard work.

Every pain/trauma I ever suffered! When my husband left me 6 years ago, it opened pandora's box. I was so devastated I stopped functioning. I fell into a deep depression and my mental & physical health were failing.  I eventually even had to quit my job because of a chronic illness. My life began to fall apart around me & I lost everything that was important to me. I so was overwhelmed by grief, loss & sadness that I could hardly get out of bed. I was in a terrible relationship & ended up in an even worse one.  Then repressed memories from childhood came flooding in. It was more than I could handle so to avoid further heartache, I turned so far inward that I completely isolated myself to the point that I lost contact with friends and family and developed agoraphobia. I was left with no support system. I felt completely alone in the world trying to navigate all this horrible stuff. It was just one even more horrible thing after another. Trauma on top of trauma til I just wanted to give up. I had an existential crisis. It was such a dark, scary time that I didn't want to live anymore. And several years later, I'm still trying to process everything while simultaneously fighting my way back from the brink. On the bright side, I've learned SO much about myself through all of this. More importantly I've learned not to take anything for granted because I had no idea how good I had it until it was all gone. So I keep trudging forward in spite of the fact that most days I wonder how I'm still able keep one foot in front of the other.  But for some reason my warrior spirit just will not give up. Even when everyone in my life gave up on me including myself. I've even become comfortable being a lone wolf mainly because I now suffer from complex ptsd because of everything I've been through. And even though  I feel like I'm finally coming out of the darkness, I struggle with getting the help that I know I desperately need because of my self-worth issues.  Thats one important thing I've learned about myself; is THAT (self-worth) is what it ALL boils down to for me. Always has  & probably always will.

Every pain/trauma I ever suffered! When my very loving, kind, gentle, patient, righteous & steadfast husband of 11 years left me 6 years ago, it opened up 'Pandora's Box' like you would not believe. I was so devastated I stopped functioning. I fell into a deep depression and my mental & physical health were failing.  I eventually even had to quit my job because of a chronic illness. My life began to fall apart around me & I lost everything that was important to me. And I mean everything! I was so overwhelmed by grief, loss & sadness that I could hardly get out of bed. I remember most days waking up crying & crying myself to sleep at night. I was in a terrible relationship & when I somehow managed to get out, it was no time at all before I was out of the frying pan and into the fire, becoming a victim of narcissistic abuse. It was constant psychological warfare beyond my worst nightmares & I sank even further into darkness and depression. And if that weren't enough, it triggered repressed memories from childhood that came flooding back in. It was more than I could handle so, to avoid any further heartbreak, I cut myself off from the world & turned so far inward that I completely isolated myself to the point that I lost contact with friends and family and developed agoraphobia. I was left with no support system. I felt completely alone in the world trying to make sense of & navigate all the horrible stuff constantly coming at me from all directions. It was just one even more horrible thing after another. Trauma on top of trauma til I just wanted to give up. I had an existential crisis & devolved into this this sad little fear-driven, belly-button focused creature. I did not even recognize myself anymore. It was such a dark, scary time that I didn't want to go on living. And several years later, I'm still trying to process everything while simultaneously fighting my way back from the brink.  I honestly had no idea pain like this existed. But on the bright side, I've learned SO much about myself through all of this. More importantly, I've learned not to take anything for granted because I had no idea how good I had it until it was all gone & I never want to go thru anything like that again. So I keep trudging forward in spite of the fact that most days I wonder how I'm still able keep one foot in front of the other. But for some reason my warrior spirit just will not give up. Even when everyone in my life gave up on me,  including myself. I've even become comfortable being a lone wolf, mainly because a) there's less chance of being hurt &/or traumatized but mostly b) because I now suffer from complex ptsd due to everything I've been through & it's REALLY not pretty or fun. And even though  I feel like I'm finally coming out of the darkness, I struggle with getting the help that I know I desperately need mainly because of my deeply rooted self-worth issues. Thats definitely one of the most important things I've learned about myself through all of this.  Is that, for me, self-worth is what it ALL boils down to. Always has & probably always will.

The pain that I am holding onto is the fear of rejection of the love of my life. I've been waiting. I've been so patient with her. I've been trying to help her. I've been trying to appease to her every want, desire and need. But, only whenever I felt like I needed to feed into that very "happening". This hook that you speak of. I feel it tugging on me like I am a fish flopping out of water. Probably not the best analogy that I am using, while she isn't to blame for my pains and hurts that I have caused. Or things in life that have happened for me and not To me. I have learned further independence...however my soul binding contract by soul source says. I will spread the message of love regardless of hurts and pains. This fear of rejection or let me downs. Although I'm clearly feeling that pain right now because I'm not together with the love of my life. The utter pain and fear of rejection and abandonment is my ultimate burden that I'm holding onto.