Ask Yourself...

To be able to have the awareness of wholeness. 

To have a healthy sense of self-esteem; to not feel unworthy; to feel confident to the point of being cocky.

Let myself of the hook. 

Care more about how I feel and what I need. 

Than functioning and have to. 

Drop living by societal Standarts. 

Drop passive suicidal lifestyle. 

Care bout what matters. Just live. Just breath. 

Even if everyone else thinks that's super odd and useless

Stop adopting societal values, adopt owning my best interests. 

Edited June 18, 20242 yr by LucyMad
Because, Details..

To feel somatically well,

To be abundant not like rich but more like emotionaly mature.

And abundant in that matter that I let myself breath, let myself have what I want and need, again not so much of importance when it comes to money, but really more like ALL aspects of life.

I'm "thriving" on draining, suppressing, rejecting, bulldozing, withholding, forcing, "disciplining", "critiquing" hating myself.

I'm not actually living.

Im afraid of beeing present. Noone ever was present me not even when I was suicidal. Most especially not my mom. And I didn't get to have any boundarys throughout my life ever, whatsoever. 

And this is probably the result. 

Mistaking self hate for self love, mistaking forcing for discipline.

Rigid unstoppable mind, tight body, rarely ever knowing what I feel.

Wish I was more human and grounded in the physical sensual experience of beeing human.

I'm always tired. This has been going on for years, and I think I learned this in childhood. Too much responsibility I didn't want to take, overworked, troubled, not allowed to be myself, scapegoated. Don't know how to fix it it has its roots really really really back than and it's like you know a spiders nest in a closet in a dark cabin, and now those spiders have hedged and layed more eggs that have hedged and everything is full of spiders in that cabin, all started with one spider in that cabin.

Yes I was troubled as a child, I was like Thaddäus from SpongeBob SquarePants or like Malcom from Malcom in the middle.

Unresolved issues only get worse.

I'm really disappointed that my mom never tried to resolve this with me, she was the one who broke this within me, had thousands of opportunitys to help me fix it. Used every opportunity she had to further break me. Really disappointed.

But she made Shure I didn't die a few times. (Although she also once almost could've killed me and wanted to kill us all in a car....)

I'm really negatively suprised by this woman. Really disappointed.

Exchange lives with a girl friend that I met solely online because I want to know what it’s like to have people in my life, just for a day. Certain people, feels like I’m living the dream life