Deciding that I really wanted to live but just didn’t know how to

Quitting law school at the end of sophomore year to pursue my dream of becoming a teacher, even though my father threatened me.

I entertained at parties and corporate events where I drew people's cartoons digitally. While I draw people can watch every second happening on big screens. Inside of the field of the interaction of the person and myself a connection would open up and there would be more information available at either a different or much deeper context. I would ask what ever question that popped into my awareness and the person would feel an immediately feel seen and heard.  The cartoon would often take a different trajectory than what they thought or strategized it would be. The person would open which would cause the onlookers to open as well. I feel my energy shift and change to meet and match each person who sits before me and often track the energy of the crowd watching simultaneously. 

Dedicated myself to weight loss, just because it was something that required hard work and high levels of commitment that is not for the weak,, even if I’m fat again lol 

Going to see Teal Swan! 

Everytime I've had my heart on my sleeve for everyone to see, and made an effort to see another beings heart & soul.

Open my heart 

Surviving in an extremely severe harassment situation and grew from it. Crucible experiences. 

Being born

Truly loved

dedicating myself to something without giving up 

I carried my son. That was most meaningful because for the first time in my life, it wasn't just me to look after. But unlike other relationships, I was happy to look after him. It didn't make me feel trapped it made me feel nurturing and I didn't know I could do that until I was pregnant with him

On 11/8/2020 at 1:29 PM, ToonIn2U said:

I entertained at parties and corporate events where I drew people's cartoons digitally. While I draw people can watch every second happening on big screens. Inside of the field of the interaction of the person and myself a connection would open up and there would be more information available at either a different or much deeper context. I would ask what ever question that popped into my awareness and the person would feel an immediately feel seen and heard.  The cartoon would often take a different trajectory than what they thought or strategized it would be. The person would open which would cause the onlookers to open as well. I feel my energy shift and change to meet and match each person who sits before me and often track the energy of the crowd watching simultaneously. 

Cool!  What a gift you have!!

Not been afraid to change course, considered the possibility that maybe I was wrong, remained hopeful through tough periods in my life, let myself loose hope so I could refind it, tried giving old relationships another chance but with renewed boundaries so as to not shut love out completely and been willing to see different perspectives so as to not continue criticizing myself .

Making decisions to further my adventuring.

Absolutely nothing. I stayed alive.

I think the things I did wrong where the most meanignful and impactful.

And that I tried beeing a decent human beeing toward others, throughout my life.

That I have loved. It was reciprical and a secure and long lasting relationship. But the fact that I loved someone. 

That I kept parts of myself a secret. That I was able to stay who I am for the most part. (inspite of adversity) 

I dont feel staying alive or beeing good at something was actually impactful or meaningful.

Adapted to a self destructive mind game and fought it with everything i have. Still fighting.  

Committing to my autonomy, and taking actions to increase it.

Im almost 30.

If not everything I did in my life was a failure. There would be something meaningful. 

But Im so fucked up, I choose to fuck it all up. Since a long time ago.

Still I have to answer this question. What have I done in the past that is the most meaningful to me?

I have another question. Who am I? Do I even exsist, is this for real?  If so please someone end it all, and hit the reset button.

This is not real, this is not me. This is a nightmare, Im gonna wake up. One day, Im gonna wake up.

I never wake up even if I hit the wall, I make my way through things staying a failure.

A failure wich wont die and wont change. One day Im gonna die, as a failure.

And it makes me sad and bitter and lost.

I dont allow myself to exsist. Because I dont deserve it because Im bad. On the other hand Im full of rage and bad, because I wont let myself be. Its a push and pull.

Its the consequence of betraying myself. (And having nacisstic psychopathic parents)

Noones life can be a complete failure without self betrayel, letting oneself down, and down and down, pushing oneself to the edge. 

How much can I take, when will I be worthy. 

I dont want to be alive my whole life doesnt make any sense and is a lie.

I dont want things to have a meaning, because Im done.

That I ate ice cream has been the most meaningful I did, because it made me feel goodXD

What I did in the past that was most meaningful to me was was attending school for art. I hadn’t ever done that before, and I’d often wreck myself for poor behavior on my part. But it was the events that turned me around which made me feel like life was worth living and presently in the moment. It was when I could be still and relaxed because drawing, making videos, doing yoga, and taking walks all alone in a place (with other girls) were all things which made me feel like I was for real healing. 

On 6/23/2023 at 1:54 PM, DavidaNimway said:

Im almost 30.

If not everything I did in my life was a failure. There would be something meaningful. 

But Im so fucked up, I choose to fuck it all up. Since a long time ago.

Still I have to answer this question. What have I done in the past that is the most meaningful to me?

I have another question. Who am I? Do I even exsist, is this for real?  If so please someone end it all, and hit the reset button.

This is not real, this is not me. This is a nightmare, Im gonna wake up. One day, Im gonna wake up.

 

I never wake up even if I hit the wall, I make my way through things staying a failure.

A failure wich wont die and wont change. One day Im gonna die, as a failure.

 

And it makes me sad and bitter and lost.

 

I dont allow myself to exsist. Because I dont deserve it because Im bad. On the other hand Im full of rage and bad, because I wont let myself be. Its a push and pull.

Its the consequence of betraying myself. (And having nacisstic psychopathic parents)

 

Noones life can be a complete failure without self betrayel, letting oneself down, and down and down, pushing oneself to the edge. 

How much can I take, when will I be worthy. 

 

I dont want to be alive my whole life doesnt make any sense and is a lie.

I dont want things to have a meaning, because Im done.

 

That I ate ice cream has been the most meaningful I did, because it made me feel goodXD

I relate to the feeling of not allowing me to exist. It’s like what didn’t I do to deserve this?   It’s like, the sense of rage and badness increases the fuel that I feel to find my mission on earth, which seems to be almost futile.