Ask Yourself...

I want to become a match with a life partner. I feel life will take off at that point and I can't seem to shake it no matter what I do. And I've done everything I've ever wanted to do, I've immersed myself in rich experiences and I'm proud of how far I've come. But it's like I'm waiting for someone to turn the lights back on, and the waiting is sad because I've been waiting my whole life. This was always the missing element. 

Raising a child you have no good connection with due to past circumstances. All on your own, with zero financial or emotional support is in and of itself unfullfiling and sad.

Edited August 18, 20224 yr by LucyMad
Because.

Knowing what I want and letting myself wait until it is 'safe' to go for it, or until I'm healed enough, or sure enough, or whatever I use to delay something I feel

Everything. What doesn’t make me feel unfulfilled and sad in the life “I” am “currently” “living”?
 

Not a damn thing. 

Edited September 29, 20224 yr by Physical Human

Not accepting my reality. 11:11 I choose free will. I’m happy but when I’m around jealous unsupportive people I start to move around work environments like a fight for survival. I am worthy. When I walk into establishments and I’m paying my money I want to walk out if I’m not greeted properly. And when I’m in these environments it makes me want to do everything by myself which I didn’t see was hurting me. I lost my love from learning from people because there’s a lot of people who want to be mean and gossip about you. I refused to get help from people who can down you. But I can walk away from them and that will do more than staying and showing people I’ll win despite your opposition. I couldn’t fathom for a long time an environment that helps me grow and express myself freely. I paid for CP and invested in my broken heart💔 the same heart people don’t seem to want to be loving too. 

Lack of connection, feeling a specific one energetically though they are yet to be seen physically and it constantly tugs at me. Always have been tied to them somehow. Stuck at home, unable to find work, and not doing what I've felt has been my purpose since a child is killing me. Have tried to change my situation yet constantly hit walls that shut me back in. 

What makes me sad the most that is I didnt met my husband yet 😞

Not feeling like I have power or free will.

Knowing the love of other humans is conditional. 

Not having unconditional love for myself. 

Being disconnected, how the human species is. 

People not understanding love and connection but continuing to do toxic things thinking they do. 

How restricted and inhibitad I am and feel. (sometimes) 

It's like I'm (socially) tired (sometimes). Feel like I need to keep my walls and also pretense at the same time up. To keep my life functioning. 

And I feel tension in my body. 

It's like a needs conflict, and an authenticity problem. I have a strong need, but I have to do something entirely different. I don't know what to do else or differently about it. 

I don't like doing something just cause I have to, and not beeing open to the experience of what I do actually have in that given moment. Not beeing open to the actual situation to social interaction. 

Feeling depleted, not refreshed. After. 

Also at the same time, subconsciously, bulldozing my boundaries a little, stretching them alot. To have my actual needs met (better sooner than later). This also causes tension. 

And it's alot. XD 

Gaining clarity as to why I feel this way is though very helpful.

Alot of pulling yourself together tension + intense boundaries stretching subconsciously. Feels Chaotic and like driving on a foggy highway, while someone behind is almost running into you, and is forcing you to get faster. 

And it's a relief to understand what is actually going on. Understanding even acknowledging my own needs. Is a relief in and of itself. Why I feel what I feel. 

And I have a bad tooth, Wich inhibits me of expressing heartfelt true joy. Because if I do, it hurts badly. And it keeps me miserable (and the pain is giving me headache) and it ads to the tension. 

Edited March 15, 20242 yr by LucyMad
Important thing!

I don't like how I choose to be more open in real life, only to realise I'm more pretending and socializing on that pretense. 

I don't like how overwhelmed I am. I'm fighting my demons keeping up with day to day dutys. Not having enough energy, not grounded enough, to level up and change some things to the better. Lacking resilience. 

I hate how I don't have the energy to be present with my child. I'm only doing it if he needs it. But what if our relationship needs more than that , what if this is hurting. 

I hate how I want to change everything but than I feel like it's in vain and I have no motivation or energy to go forward.

I hate how I feel like I'm holding myself hostage and on the evening as I go to bed I actually get to breath. Really sometimes in between I'm so upset my body reacts like I've been held under water drowning or beeing strangled, grasping for air. 

Ecclesiastes 1 "chasing the wind" 

Twentyonepilots - car radio

Third eye blind - jumper